1000 Things We Hate #29: Sidewalk Curbs

9 03 2010

The lovely cement beauty of the ages

Tacoma, you are the one that is most at fault for this hate.  Granted, Bend does not have many curbs where I live, but I did grow up in the Portland area.  I have learned to care about how the… sorry… I lost my train of thought, someone just walked by (I’m in the library) with cigarette smell off their clothes, dirty fuckers.  Fuck… this is totally distracting me.

I hope they die from smoking.

Soon.

*big smile*

Anyway, I have learned to care about how a city takes care of its sidewalks.  Even more importantly, I have learned to care when the city actually lowers the curb down to the street level (in a gutter-type design) so bicyclists can ride on the sidewalk… because, you know, they don’t really have that simple thing called a bicycle lane.

So, if you’re riding along the roads and you face this:

That's 3-4 inches of death, right there

while on your road bike… well, you’re fucked.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate sidewalk curbs for their irrigation and separation properties.  They help draw the line for where a car’s lane ends to that of the casual walker, but you think that a city could at least be considerate to people in wheelchairs, on crutches, on bicycles, on a whole number of things by creating sloping curbs.

The holy grail of sidewalk curbs

If every curb could be replaced with the above picture, I would seriously pee in the mouth of Senator Ashburn of California… I mean, if he wanted me to.  The curb has a wide area in which to exit or enter the sidewalk, the corners are painted yellow so no goddamn cars will get in the way of you innocently trying to travel on something that gives you exercise, and the slope is gradual so old people in wheelchairs won’t get halfway up and then start falling backwards.

I understand that cities really can’t afford to go back and tear out every corner on the sidewalks to replace it with the casual slope… still, fuck you guys for not doing it in the first place.  Especially along main roads that don’t have bike lanes… like Union… or S 19th.  I mean, really, what the fuck were you thinking?

However, the best thing curbs have done for us was the invention of the curb stomp:

Because my teeth need a good chatter every once in awhile


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3 responses

10 03 2010
Sam Ryals

Your ‘Holy Grail’ of curbs lacks the anti-slip texture for when it is slippery.

10 03 2010
MechanisticMoth

You are so right. However, those are primarily found around elementary schools, and I make it a rule not to go near them. Partly because of painful memories, and partly because I might get the cops called on me as I growl at the children to scare them.

I wish the anti-slip texture wasn’t yellow.

18 04 2011
1000 Things We Hate #153: Jonathan Pierce « MechanisticMoth

[...] made me want to grab him by those little fucking blonde hairs on the back of his neck and repeatedly bash his face into a cement sidewalk screaming “EAT SHIT CUNT!” over and over again until blood starts dripping out of the corners [...]

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