1000 Things We Hate #213: Sex Tours

Some people like to brag.  It’s an easy thing to do.  Such as me bragging at being better than you at reading comic books.  Miniscule but effective.  It’s just a natural thing to like to talk about yourself on occasion.  Sure, some people are “brag-less.”  They’re few and far between, but these modest-ers do show up now and again.

People who brag about sex are not modest.  In fact, they often go into full detail after saying “we had sex.”  They could elaborate into what positions they did it in or whatever, but it’s bragging.  Some people are unrestrained.

This post focuses on those people who brag about sex, but not just about sex – about where they’ve had sex.  This post is inspired by my friend Autumn who was in the unfortunate position of being stuck in a car with a former housemate who drove Autumn all around to the places she had had sex in.

The problem with Autumn’s experience was that she was trapped inside this person’s car.  Autumn was getting a tour of Tacoma via sex.  It seems like the whole purpose of the trip was for this girl to show off.  It’s just not very cool to do that to someone when you’ve barely hung out with them before.  It’s as if she had nothing else to talk about other than sex.  Talking to someone about sex when you’ve barely talked to them before is intimidating.  Why would you do that to someone?  Really, why?

The person trapped has no way of getting out of the conversation for fear that they may be driven off a bridge.  It’s just not cool.  Now, if this was your new best friend who you’ve spent time with before and were comfortable at this stage to talk about sex, then it’s okay.  Basically, when both parties are consenting to the conversation then it’s accepatble.  Don’t traumatize the trapped person on your first real time spent together.

Driving around from place to place just to brag is ridiculous.  So, keep it in check.  I do not want to hear about you doing it in that parking lot, or under that tree, or on the beach, or inside that K-Mart, or in the Subway bathroom, or at that person’s house, or that person’s house, or that person’s house.

Fun fact, the girl then forced Autumn to talk to her mom.  I met her mom, she was a crazy cat lady.

Another fun fact, I am partially responsible for this event between Autumn and this girl because I was invited and said no.  Autumn was too nice to say no, and ended up getting stuck in the situation one-on-one.

Lesson: Never say ‘yes’ unless you know what you’re getting into.

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Hopefully, you’re ready to ‘get into’ more 1000 Things We Hate!  Hilarity and Hate are just around the corner over at our archival MASTER LIST!

1000 Things We Hate #212: Bent Cards

How decrepid

Lately, my housemates and I have been playing many games.  These range from board games, to word games, to card games.  They have now been initiated into the world of “ELLIOTT FREAKING OUT ABOUT HIS CARDS”.  What is this world, you ask?  Well, it is by far one of the most dangerous places ever.  Once, a baby fell into the world and it came back with a severed head… BUT IT WAS STILL ALIVE.

I suppose my aversion towards bent cards began in the classic Pokécraze of the late 90s.  I collected the cards like every young child, and I put all of the foils into a special folder.  When I saw other kids cards with scratches and bent edges, I freaked out.  Granted, I wasn’t planning on making a fortune off of the things, but I like things that look tidy and well-kept.  I was a child of PERFECTION.

The beginnings of it all

When the Pokémon craze died out, so did my desire of keeping the cards.  I no longer cared about the quality of them.  I didn’t go out and throw them down a sewer drain.  Instead, I gave them to my Mom’s co-worker’s son who had autism.  I was nice once…

I like order.  So, when you mess with my cards, I still want them to look good.  Sure, having a nice well-worn deck of playing cards is nice – there’s history to them.  But, there’s also nothing better than a fresh deck.  They’re so hard and difficult to shuffle.  They make you work to play your games.

Part of the reason I don’t want my cards to be bent is because I don’t want any tactical advantage for myself or others.  I’m the type of person that will remember “the one with the slightly bent corner is a 4 of clubs” even if it’s not intentional.  Plus, I want my cards to lay flat and look nice.  If it’s a game like Munchkin or Catan, I also don’t want to pay for more (replacement) cards.  I popped $20-40 for those puppies, please don’t suck me dry further.

Nice and orderly, please!  Or, I may murder your family (or feed you to the Plutonium Dragon in Munchkin).  It’s true, I’ve done it before.  Haven’t you ever heard of Steven Jenkins IV?  That’s right, you haven’t because I killed him… with my teeth.

Not bending cards is practical.  It allows for the cards to stack much more nicely and be played with more fairly.  So, don’t fuck it up for the rest of us.

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Don’t stray too far away from your computer! Many more 1000 Things We Hate await your viewing over at the MASTER LIST!

UPDATES! Yay!

Hope your newly found winter is shaping up to be a grand one.  We here at 1000 Things We Hate have been updating things for your benefit.

First off, I’d like to mention that I tried updating the Master List, but I need a special font to make the little icons.  I tried downloading this font (I had to have my computer rebooted thus I am now reinstalling EVERYTHING), but it wouldn’t unzip properly.  So, it may be a bit before I update the Master List which is rather unfortunate.  Nevertheless, there’s a huge backstock at your disposal to unleash/relish in y/our hates.

Now, onto the exciting part!  Monique’s sister, the wonderful Natalie, has been doing custom drawings for some of our 1000 Things We Hate to which I have colored.  More of these will be popping up as we go, but, for now, we have the initial seven. (Fingerless Gloves previewed above)

Check the custom drawings out at:

FINGERLESS GLOVES
DOLPHINS
OIL SPILLS
CROCS
PAULA DEEN
TOXIC SHOCK SYNDROME
WET SOCKS

We hope that you dig our new art in our attempt to make this site even better and more unique for your reading/viewing pleasure!

Thanks again for your support, too!

1000 Things We Hate #211: Inevitable Christmas Music

Have I made it clear how much disdain I have for Christmas?  Well, just holidays in general.

This hate seems more of a practical one.  Even people who like Christmas may get sick of Christmas music.  It’s just one of those things that radio stations starting the day after Thanksgiving are like “FUCK YEAH! WE GET A BREAK!”  So, they just put the Christmas music on repeat, sit back, and smoke weed.  Seriously, that is what happens.

Shopping is the worst.  You go into the store and you are guaranteed to be infected with holiday cheer as if it were a new STD… minus the sex.  It’s like a shot in the arm and a blow to the head.  If I’m about to be attacked by Christmas music, I decide to fight back.  Normally, I mock the music in my contempt.  But, when I’m feeling rambunctious, the fucking music gets stuck in my head.

Are we programmed to respond to this music automatically for a month out of the year.  They breed us at birth to fall under the preconceptions set upon us by Christmas.  If you were born in December, you came out of the womb whining the tune to “Jingle Bells”.

I understand, people like their Christmas music.  If it makes them happy, then… okay, let them have it.  But, they should have to seek out this music rather than it being forced upon us by EVERY department store.  I honestly cannot escape… and, when an animal is cornered… and it has rabies… and hasn’t read a comic book in a week… IT STRIKES OUT.

Hence the blogging… I’m just here to make a difference.

Now, go celebrate the holiday and suck Santa’s dick.

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For more on Christmas, check out Christmas Wreaths and Fake Snow.

And, of course, you can pop on over to our MASTER LIST and enjoy our large back stock of numerous hates.

1000 Things We Hate #210: Fake Snow

This is by far the funniest thing I've seen all day...

Fake snow is so stupid.  I understand, people are all like “ooohhhh, I want snow for Christmas, please!”  Well, you sound like a whiny bitch.  If you live in California, chances of you getting snow are almost nil.  So suck it up or go to a place that does have snow.

Trust me, after spending my younger years plodding around in it, the magic of snow is gone.  To be honest, I just want to dropkick snow in the face… hard.  Or, I’d like to make it melt with my sexy new pair of underwear (trust me, they’re hot).  Or, I could just stare at it long enough until it disappears (Superman, anyone?).

The last time I had fun in the snow was when we attempted to play Ultimate Frisbee in it.  That was a frigid experience, but enjoyable and rambunctious.  So, what is all of this desire about?  Some stupid fantasy about getting a stupid weather ailment?  Hmmm?

Soon, that cat will be engulfed and held by the terrorist snow tree

The worst thing possible with fake snow is fake snowing up your goddamn Christmas tree.  Do you really need to recreate an outside phenomenon in the comforts of your home?  Isn’t it sort of a paradox having snow on the inside of a house where it would easily melt?  Let’s all just go put our yule log video on the tv and watch the fake snow stay EXACTLY the same.  This is a simulacrum at its finest.

Seriously, why do it?  You could put fake snow on your tree in Maui just because that will NEVER happen unless global warming fucks everything up.  So, give up people.  There’s no use in having snow for Christmas when it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to get on a regular occasion.

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For more on Christmas, check out Christmas Wreaths and Inevitable Christmas Music!

Woo!  That was a hard one.  Do you know what will also be hard?  Not your pants, silly!  Reading all of the 1000 Things We Hate we’ve written so far that you can find at the MASTER LIST.

Enjoy!

1000 Things We Hate #209: Christmas Wreaths

Christmas Wreaths cause families to die.  Entire civilizations have been lost to the unforgiving fright that is embodied in Christmas Wreaths.  They cause famine, AIDS, and cleft lip.  They have been known to sprout legs, hunt prey, and barbecue baby jerky.

Trust me, it’s all true.

The actual history of wreaths is rather interesting.  Apparently, they come from Greek mythology where Apollo wore a laurel wreath on his head after chasing Daphne.  They symbolize power, victory, and badassness.  They were also used to distinguish your rank in society.  Intriguing stuff.

Then, this little thing called THE BIRTH OF CHRIST had to fuck everything up.

Thanks Martha! Fake Snow, yay!

Have I made it clear that I do not like holidays (the exception being, on occasion, Halloween (another exception being the CANDY that comes specifically for certain holidays))?  Now, I’m not going to outright say “fuck Christmas” because I genuinely believe others should enjoy it… just not around me.  I don’t see why we should pick random days out of the year and hold them in such high esteem over the other days of the year.  EVERY DAY should be CELEBRATED.  Sure, these holiday things give you a chance for something to look forward to and they emphasize family.  However, do you really want to actually see some of these extended family members?  I sure as hell don’t.

Okay, tirade on holidays.  I understand that people like them, but I don’t.  I’ll try not to be a hater.

What I really dislike about Christmas is the inevitability of it all.  Particularly, I don’t see why we have to rip branches off of trees, warp them in some absurd way, and hang them on our doors (or trucks).  Let’s put a pretty bow on top of that and call it good.  OR, Ooh! Fake snow (I love making things look like Frosted Mini-Wheats)!

I’m picking out Christmas Wreaths from the Wreath crowd (“we’re the Wreathies, fool!”) is because the other ones have meaning that I can partially understand.  I still hate them, though.  They’re just a little bit more excusable.

I just don’t see why everyone should feel obligated to hang a wreath up around Christmas.  Or, to one up each other with the MOST EXPENSIVE WREATH POSSIBLE.  Showmanship with wreaths?  Seriously?  Oh wait, let’s celebrate the birth of christ (which isn’t even on Christmas) by kicking total ass with our tree remnants.  WOO! YEAH!

I used to sell wreaths when I was in Cub Scouts.  What the fuck were people doing buying them?  I could not understand.  They’re not pretty, they smell like Pine-Sol, and they may impale you.

End of story.

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For more on Christmas, check out Fake Snow and Inevitable Christmas Music!

Tired and ready to relax?  How about celebrating in all things awful by checking out our MASTER LIST of things we hate!

1000 Things We Hate #208: Bull Horns on Trucks

Slick, Stylish, Lethal

Hay, I’m about the wonderful land of hix.  We do crazyyy things to cars.  LIKE PUTTING BULL HORNS ON THEM!

Yeehaw!!!

Alright, it has proven that people are under the assumption that they are wild mofos if they put horns on their cars.  In the picture above, you are presented with a stylish, metal set of horns. Well, where I come from, THEY USE REAL BULL HORNS.  Or, better yet, real motherfuckin’ skulls!  It’s scary seeing a large truck in your rear view mirror with the skull of something once living brazened on the front.

Seriously, it screams “Don’t fuck with that dude!” But, at the same time, it screams “YOU ARE A FUCKING DOUCHE, FUCKHEAD!”

My type'a folk right thar!

The worst part is that these are the people that probably drive around with guns in their cars or tailgate OR EAT BABY LIZARDS.  Overall, it’s obvious they are compensating for something… probably their small feet (OH NO! I HAVE SMALL FEET! Where’s my hood ornament!?).  I just don’t see the point.  Unless you’re a hunter celebrating your kill.  But, alas, hunting’s weird.  I like to eat all of my animals from their cages (just kidding PETA!).

What makes this hate even more disgusting (based upon my lack of holiday cheer) is when people put Wreaths on the front of their cars.

Smilez for all!

Okay, this aspect of the hate has a couple of things going for it.  One, I heavily dislike holidays. Two, I dislike things that relate to holidays.  Three, are you seriously putting a fucking pansy-ass wreath on the front of your jolly raised truck?  That’s like putting a cockring with faulty batteries on your dick.  Seriously, what the fuck?

Putting things on the front of your car is just ridiculous.  Stop it. STOP IT!

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For horrifying adventures with things adorning cars, check out Honor Student Bumper Stickers or Dogs Vs. Honor Student Bumper Stickers!

And, it’s always safe to take a gander at the MASTER LIST for all of your hateful needs.

1000 Things We Hate #207: Manure Covered Dogs

Dogs.  I’m not exactly a fan but I don’t completely hate them either.  What I do hate is their compulsive desire to roll in anything smelly.  My home (or I should say my parent’s home) is located in the country with cow, horse, and plenty of other manures readily available.  So of course, every time the dogs go out they find a present to bring home to the family.

You might think the dog is cute but that's just because you don't have smell-o-vision...yet

Not only do dogs covered in manure smell like crap but their happiness also seems to increase exponentially.  This correlates to an increase in jumping on everything from furniture to the other dogs to me.  The smell spreads everywhere.

If the dog decides to roll in manure when you’re far away from home on a walk (which happens quite often with my family when we go to the river) they smell up the car on the way home.  This concentrates the smell for those unlucky enough to be riding along and leaves the foul odor for later car rides.

The final horrifying gift the lovely dog grants you is the pleasure of cleaning the manure off of them.  I absolutely refuse to do this by exaggerating my dislike for dogs, but I know from others’ experiences it is not pleasant.  If you don’t have a dog brush, you have to rub the shampoo in with your hands.  Yay, crap on your hands.

In conclusion, Dogs + Poop = Gross.

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If you (dis)like poop check out more hateful posts about bird poop, dog poop, and human poop.  Or maybe you (dis)like dogs; check out dog barking.  If all else fails consult the Master list.

1000 Things We Hate #206: Scooting School Desks

Going for that CLASSIC Look

“Okay everyone! Time to circle up!”

THESE ARE DEATH WORDS.  Okay, obviously death words are words like “death,” “dead,” “fatal,” or “lycanthropy.”  Nevertheless, these words are THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE.  Why? Because they foretell what is to come.

Now, I don’t mind getting into a circle for class.  It promotes group sharing and camaraderie for all of the students.  Facing forward all eyes towards the teacher can be a little intimidating and most likely leads to a lecture-based class.  Which is all fine and good if you do not require a discussion.

So, my Lesbian and Gay Lit class is a dream.  One, interesting topic.  Two, we read some pretty powerful texts.  Three, I feel like I must be experiencing some terrible dream [read nightmare] at the beginning of the class.  We MUST circle up.  We respond to each other with the professor at the front of the class leading us into that wonderful dandelion field of knowledge.  Nevertheless, the first two minutes of the class are grueling.

(YES, I REALIZE HOW LONG IT’S TAKING ME TO GET TO THE POINT OF THIS HATE).

In order to circle up, we must move our desks.  Unfortunately, many people are not kind and decide to push/scoot their desks across the tile floor.  This creates a “BRRRUUOHHHHH BRUHHHRRRHHH BrrOUHGHHHH” noise.  That noise is TERRIBLE on its own, but when you have 15 people doing it at the same time, IT IS AWFUL.

What everyone SHOULD be doing with their desks!

I just do not understand what is going on!  Seriously, how fucking difficult is it for you to PICK UP YOUR DESK.  Are you quadriplegic!?  DO YOU HAVE NO SOUL!?  I don’t get embarrassed easily… so, I don’t get embarrassed in this situation.  BUT, I feel really terrible for all of the classrooms next door that are earnestly starting their classes off with “JRBBRRREGRGUUHGG BRREUUGGGHHRRRRRR!”

The thing is, I can totally hear other classes that do this, FROM TWO STORIES DOWN.  How fucking disruptive is that!?  Seriously!

So, take your wimpy little catgutmuscle arms and lift those goddamn desks and save us all of the painful noises that sound like someone put a thousand toothbrushes made of metal into a meat grinder and blender simultaneously!

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They may be entirely unrelated aside from “scoot” being in them, but check out this 1000 Things We Hate on Scooters!

Desks Scooting! School! Disaster! Romance! Leggings! HATES! Check out our MASTER LIST of 1000 Things We Hate for more things to tickle your fancy!

1000 Things We Hate #205: Proactive Commercials

My ill feelings spur from sleeping in a New Zealand airport one night with Proactive commercials streaming for hours.  I’d rather they turn off the TV or put it on mute.  There was not one person there who cared about Proactive.  Plus, while you’re trying to sleep in uncomfortable chairs watching videos about acne isn’t exactly soothing.

What are the components of a proactive commercial?

1. Looking at acne…gross!  I was a teenager once and had to look at it in the mirror everyday; I don’t want reminders of that period in my life.

2. The Stars!  Avril Lavigne, Jessica Simpson, Justin Bieber, and Katy Perry! If I didn’t hate you before I hate you now.  I realize that it might be a good marketing scheme to humanize famous people to make acne seem normal (and it is normal) but who would really want their brand attached to an acne product, especially one so annoying. Additionally, it might just be me but when the stars talk they sound fake.  More fake than the usual commercials.

Am I the only one who finds it funny that JB is the only guy spokesperson? Is that good for his brand?

3. The “free” products.  Like many other commercials there’s always a free acne cream or whatnot.  They repeat over and over that it’s free, but is it really?  No, the price of the “free” cream is in the overpriced product itself.  If proactive is sooo great then why is it so expensive?  I don’t see any fancy ingredients (though I admittedly am not a genius on the subject) therefore I don’t understand why it’s so jacked up.  Then again, perhaps it’s expensive because famous people use it?  You’re paying a few extra bucks to brag about having the same acne treatment as Jessica Simpson…whoa, fancy.

4. Timing.  Proactive commercials aren’t normal commercials, they’re almost always paid programming.  That means 20 minutes of stupid, pus-y acne fun…or lack of fun.

5. The Music. Proactive commercials always have fast, upbeat music in the background.  Not only does this suck when you’re trying to sleep in an airport but overall it’s annoying.  It makes you feel anxious (obviously so you feel insecure about your skin) and gives rise to blistering headaches.

I can’t vouch for the quality of the proactive product, but I can say with absolute certainty the commercials are dreadful.

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Are you so enthralled with hating on things!  Alas, there’s a cure!  Check out the MASTER LIST of 1000 Things We Hate to get your hate on!