1000 Things We Hate #238: Butt Lint

9 05 2012

Nothing this startling or beautiful comes from out of my butt crack!!! WHY NOT!?

I intend for this post to be HIGHLY embarrassing!  The problem is that I don’t get embarrassed easily.  So, this will be SHAMELESS.  I might cry a little afterwards, but that’s okay.

I have a problem people!  Basically, I am covered in hair from the lower back down.  Extremely hairy.  You could probably make a meal out of my hair if you’re desperate.  Or knit a sweater for some poor kid in Tibet… (HUMAN RIGHTS ABUSES CHINA!  Get it!?).  No matter what, I will startle you with my hairiness.  Luckily, I’m fairly hair free on my upper body besides my beautiful happy trail, decent chest hair, armpits, and, of course, my face and head.  I could actually use a little bit more hair on my face for my great bid to have a beard (not happening).  I could transfuse the hair I have to my face.  GREAT IDEA ME!

On a daily basis, I have to reach back to my butt crack and grace it with my index finger’s presence.  This is in an attempt to discover whether or not I have a massive storage of butt crack lint going on.  Butt crack lint isn’t much different than lint in your belly button.  The hair just traps it, and it’s really quite astonishing how much of your clothes rub off on you every time.  So, in theory, it shouldn’t be that big of a deal…

BUT IT’S MY BUTT CRACK PEOPLE!  That’s a very delicate and sad part of my body.  I really don’t want to draw extra attention to it when I bend over.  People will be like “homiieee g, your butt crack be bangin with hairrr!”  I’ll be like “uhhh… what?” because I can’t understand people who do not enunciate or have accents.  Eventually, through hand gestures, we will communicate with each other that, indeed, I am hairy.  In addition, I have a hairy blue linty thing riding through my ass crack.  GREAT EVERYONE!  Rice paper candy and Mountain Dew for you!

The worst part is when the lint attracts hair.  I understand that some butt crack hair is going to intermingle with the lint, but that just doesn’t make it any better.  Now, here’s the kicker: when ladies’ hair gets all up in there.  Let’s turn towards the incident that spawned this event today: I was taking a bathroom break during work.  I saddle up to the urinal.  Pee.  While peeing decide to check my butt crack for lint (this happens multiple times a day, guyz).  Begin pulling it out (not my penis, that’s already out, silly).  ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT ONE HAIR WILL NOT COME OUT FOR FOREVER.  I just kept on pulling and pulling.  I could feel the hair going through my butt cheeks like a snake slithering through the grass.  It was uncomfortable.  Eventually it came out.  It was awful.  It was a bad dream.  It was like seeing your great grandmother’s corpse naked.  I didn’t almost throw up.  I didn’t throw up.  I grimaced.

Butt crack lint, you are a blasphemous fellow!

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1000 Things We Hate has a MASTER LIST where you can check out previous posts and frolic knowing that there are things out there that piss us off just as much as it does for you!


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