1000 Things We Hate #222: Man Ass

Let me begin with a story of a sweet, studious girl trying to do her homework in the library.  She’s trying so hard to write her three essays (!) due within the next two days, but something keeps distracting her.  Hmmm…what could it be?  What could distract such a stressed person?  The answer: man ass.

Not good man ass!  Rather, the hairy ass crack.

No one wants to see this.  It is not sexy.  It is disgusting.

Don’t men feel a breeze?  Isn’t it uncomfortable?  Can’t they simply pull up their pants or underwear?

Usually, on men, boxers or briefs come up past their pants.  This is acceptable. I’d rather look at their underwear than their hairy ass.  But wait!  Like in the picture above, what if you can’t even see any tiny snippet of underwear?  What if they simply aren’t wearing any?  This is a bad mental image; not because I’m against anyone going commando, but if it’s a guy wearing normal clothes there’s probably going to be a zipper rubbing against their junk.  This can’t be good…

Ass crack on anyone is awful.   However, men are a tad bit more disgusting simply because they’re so hairy.

Some of you might be wondering what became of the hypothetical girl in the library.  Well, after seeing the two man ass cracks in front of her she packed up her stuff to move to another table.  And, while walking past the male offenders she memorized their faces so that she could forever judge them.

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Not a fan of man ass, what about female ass?  Check out previous posts: Jeans with No Back Pockets, Pantylines, Whaletail, and Tramp stamps.

If in doubt, check out the master list.

1000 Things We Hate #215: Dirty Glasses

Less than half of you readers will be able to relate to this, but that doesn’t matter.  Those who have glasses have more than enough hate to cover the entire world population.   Dirty glasses suck.

Maybe the Chineese will come up with a solution.

Perhaps you, the glasses wearers, are super obsessive or paranoid like me.  Obsessive because I always have to have clean glasses.  Paranoid because I’m always afraid of eye gunk and wipe my eyes causing glass smudges.  The combination is a vicious cycle between beauty and vision.  However, even if I stopped wiping my eyes I’d still have dirty glasses.  Why?

1. Rain.  It leaves horrible spots and is practically unavoidable.

2. Food.  Juicy fruits, which I eat daily, that love to squirt.

3. Dust.  Impossible to avoid.

4. Many, many more.

Well, why are clean glasses so important?  That’s a stupid question.  Those with impaired vision want normal vision; we try to see the world for how it is not how the dirt makes it.

Smudges, dots, haziness.  It’s all bad.

I’m a perfectionist and I need perfect vision.  I’d like to take my eyes through a time warp to before they started going all wonky, but that isn’t possible.   I need the aid of glasses.  But, when perfection is challenged (through glasses) multiple times a day I get angry.  When I don’t have my microfiber wipe around I get even angrier.  You might want to stay clear on one of those days.

In conclusion, dirty glasses suck.  It’s one of the most tedious annoyances I can think of.

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For all your hating desires check out the master list.  I’d suggest reading about those “cool” hipsters that wear fake glasses.

1000 Things We Hate #207: Manure Covered Dogs

Dogs.  I’m not exactly a fan but I don’t completely hate them either.  What I do hate is their compulsive desire to roll in anything smelly.  My home (or I should say my parent’s home) is located in the country with cow, horse, and plenty of other manures readily available.  So of course, every time the dogs go out they find a present to bring home to the family.

You might think the dog is cute but that's just because you don't have smell-o-vision...yet

Not only do dogs covered in manure smell like crap but their happiness also seems to increase exponentially.  This correlates to an increase in jumping on everything from furniture to the other dogs to me.  The smell spreads everywhere.

If the dog decides to roll in manure when you’re far away from home on a walk (which happens quite often with my family when we go to the river) they smell up the car on the way home.  This concentrates the smell for those unlucky enough to be riding along and leaves the foul odor for later car rides.

The final horrifying gift the lovely dog grants you is the pleasure of cleaning the manure off of them.  I absolutely refuse to do this by exaggerating my dislike for dogs, but I know from others’ experiences it is not pleasant.  If you don’t have a dog brush, you have to rub the shampoo in with your hands.  Yay, crap on your hands.

In conclusion, Dogs + Poop = Gross.

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If you (dis)like poop check out more hateful posts about bird poop, dog poop, and human poop.  Or maybe you (dis)like dogs; check out dog barking.  If all else fails consult the Master list.

1000 Things We Hate #205: Proactive Commercials

My ill feelings spur from sleeping in a New Zealand airport one night with Proactive commercials streaming for hours.  I’d rather they turn off the TV or put it on mute.  There was not one person there who cared about Proactive.  Plus, while you’re trying to sleep in uncomfortable chairs watching videos about acne isn’t exactly soothing.

What are the components of a proactive commercial?

1. Looking at acne…gross!  I was a teenager once and had to look at it in the mirror everyday; I don’t want reminders of that period in my life.

2. The Stars!  Avril Lavigne, Jessica Simpson, Justin Bieber, and Katy Perry! If I didn’t hate you before I hate you now.  I realize that it might be a good marketing scheme to humanize famous people to make acne seem normal (and it is normal) but who would really want their brand attached to an acne product, especially one so annoying. Additionally, it might just be me but when the stars talk they sound fake.  More fake than the usual commercials.

Am I the only one who finds it funny that JB is the only guy spokesperson? Is that good for his brand?

3. The “free” products.  Like many other commercials there’s always a free acne cream or whatnot.  They repeat over and over that it’s free, but is it really?  No, the price of the “free” cream is in the overpriced product itself.  If proactive is sooo great then why is it so expensive?  I don’t see any fancy ingredients (though I admittedly am not a genius on the subject) therefore I don’t understand why it’s so jacked up.  Then again, perhaps it’s expensive because famous people use it?  You’re paying a few extra bucks to brag about having the same acne treatment as Jessica Simpson…whoa, fancy.

4. Timing.  Proactive commercials aren’t normal commercials, they’re almost always paid programming.  That means 20 minutes of stupid, pus-y acne fun…or lack of fun.

5. The Music. Proactive commercials always have fast, upbeat music in the background.  Not only does this suck when you’re trying to sleep in an airport but overall it’s annoying.  It makes you feel anxious (obviously so you feel insecure about your skin) and gives rise to blistering headaches.

I can’t vouch for the quality of the proactive product, but I can say with absolute certainty the commercials are dreadful.

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Are you so enthralled with hating on things!  Alas, there’s a cure!  Check out the MASTER LIST of 1000 Things We Hate to get your hate on!

1000 Things We Hate #204: Apologizing again…and again…and again…

In order to not come off as a snob I’m going to try to set some hypothetical scenes for you:

You go over to your friends house so they can show you their new clothes and you mistakenly say you think one of the shirts looks hideous on them.  They get super offended (no one likes honesty these days) and say such things as “well, this is the last time I ask you to come over” and “if you’re going to be mean just leave.”  How do you handle the situation?  You either leave as your friend requested and cause your obviously fragile friendship to shatter or you apologize.  The apology isn’t sincere (both you and your friend know this) but it doesn’t matter.

Cut. Next Scene.

Your friend says something stupid.  You say, “You’re stupid.”  Okay, so maybe they’re not entirely stupid and rather they’re just being stupid at the moment, but why should you have to apologize.  Are you not being honest?  Did you not correctly use the word stupid in a short, grammatically correct sentence that fits the occasion?  Alas, your friend is offended and you must amend the situation with a simple, “I’m sorry.”

While “I’m sorry” may be simple I can’t be the only one who is getting tired of saying it.  I do have the emotion shell of a cockroach and am blunt but this issue goes beyond my own personal flaws.

I remember playing sports in high school and everyone (including myself) apologized for making a tiny mistake.  Seriously, all that talking was eating minutes away from my life.  Plus, saying I’m sorry does little to help the situation.

As I watch tv (both sitcoms and reality) I get fed up with the massive amounts of “Sorry.”  There’s always that character, usually a guy, that messes things up and his over-controlling girlfriend or wife gets super pissed.  They ignore or treat him like a dog (I’m all for woman power but it gets a little sickening) until he finally apologizes.  And then everything goes back to normal!  Seriously people?  Did anyone study psychology?  Can you not see all this conditioning going on?  The behaviour is going to continue in a cycle and the apologies go for miles.

Yeah...he's only apologizing to get sex tonight.

Apologizing is not inherently a bad thing.  When I truly do something wrong, I want to apologize sincerely.  However, all the insincere apologies from myself and everyone else in the world is devaluing the words.  Most of the time if someone apologizes to me I know it’s BS, but I accept it because that’s what society has taught me to do.

As an extreme example think of all the times politicians say they’re sorry.  What do the words mean; will they change what they’ve done or is it a condolence void of any meaning?  I’m biased enough to chose the latter option.

A new sector of greeting cards: Diplomatic Apology

If you’re truly friends with a person you won’t make them feel guilty for the small things and compel them to apologize.  You’ll save the apologies for when they really matter.  I, for one, am really tired of muttering those two tiny words constantly.

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Did we neglect to mention how “sorry” we are for enrapturing you into our beautiful, spiteful, dream world!?  Well, we’re not, but we’d still like to suck away your time.  Check out the MASTER LIST for more 1000 Things We Hate!

1000 Things We Hate #187: Class Cougher

Being sick sucks.

Everyone pities the sick person while secretly thinking “Get the hell away from me!”  And then there comes a point when you begin to hate, I mean seriously hate the sick person.  The greatest example of this is the class cougher.

Imagine sitting in your class room listening to the lecturer talk and someone coughs.  Okay, no big deal. Then they cough again.  It’s getting a bit annoying but you just ignore it.  Then there’s a third cough.  At this point you’re seriously annoyed.  Why won’t the person just leave the room?  Obviously they’re not feeling well and they’re screwing up everyone else’s concentration while spreading their icky germs.

Then they cough again!  By this point everyone is shooting daggers at the cougher.  They’ll remember his/her face for the rest of the semester and will constantly hold a grudge against them.

Maybe they even look like a douche while coughing.

Also, consider the multiple sounds of coughing.  Sometimes it sounds like a rhinoceros being birthed.  Other times you can literally hear the phlegm rattling around or sticking to the sides of the throat like gooey silly putty.  But, no matter what it sounds like the cough makes everyone else shiver with the thought of infection.  I, personally, don’t want to be infected by the germs or the hatred.

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***Yet, I must add a disclaimer that I was inspired to write this post because I was the class cougher  a few weeks ago.  Hence, I must also argue the opposite position: being the class cougher sucks.

When you are the class cougher you feel insanely guilty.  My coughing attack started half way through class.  I wanted to leave the room but was in the middle of a row and couldn’t exit without making at least 5 other people stand up and move out of my way.   Instead, I tried to hold in the coughs.  This led to:

1) making myself literally tear up while trying to hold in the coughs.  Now if anyone did look over at me they’d also see tear stained cheeks which would make me seem more like a freak.

2) when I finally did cough they came out in semi-dog barks.  Yes, I was practically barking in class.

I suppose the message of this personal story is don’t judge the class cougher too harshly.  Yes, we can hate them with every fiber of our being during class but afterwards remember that they weren’t trying to be annoying.  It just kinda happened.

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For more about annoying sicknesses check out these 1000 Things We Hate:

Handkerchief Nose Blowing

Spit

Waking up to a Sore Throat

 

 

 

1000 Things We Hate #178: Dirty Kitchen Towels

I think we can all agree that when something is dirty it is also gross.  Therefore, it seems counter productive to use a dirty kitchen towel to dry clean dishes.  Are you not propagating the mess?

Why then is it still done?

Don't let the pretty basket fool you, those towels are covered in germs.

Not only do kitchen towels accumulate immeasurable amounts of germs from kitchen surfaces and people’s hands but they can also be stained by liquids and food.  Eventually, they’ll grow so disgusting that they start to smell like rotting eggs or spoiled milk.  And then you attempted to dry things with them!  What stupid logic is this!?!

If you let it get too bad the smell will never come out of your towels!  So, while they may appear clean one sniff and you’re looking for the toilet to puke.

I'm not sure why he's so happy about hiding under dirty towels. I guess he's naive.

My opinion is that kitchens should have a hook to hang towels or you can fold them over the oven door handle (This is more dangerous because if you end up opening the oven the towel might drag on the floor).  Towels should also only be used for a maximum of 3 days depending on the frequency of kitchen use.  And if you live with other people then everyone has to man up and take some responsibility for the mess!  You can never wash kitchen towels too often.

Don’t be a prat, clean your towels.

For more information relating to gross people and their kitchen messes click here.

1000 Things We Hate #168: Layovers

Perhaps sometimes I’m a little clueless because when I saw that I had a flight to San Francisco at 6:00am and a flight to New Zealand at 9:45 I assumed this second flight was also in the am.  It’s not.  Therefore I have an 11 hour layover; it’s awful.

First, I embarrassed myself as I asked someone for help in finding the check-in counter.  They not so kindly pointed out that I’m far too early.  Plus, they didn’t even tell me where the counter actually is.  Whatever, I have 11 hours to find it.

Second, I didn’t pack any food because I knew they were feeding us on the New Zealand flight so I didn’t think I’d need any (also because my backpack is completely stuffed with other stuff).

Third, I’m by myself so I don’t want to venture out into town.

Fourth, I don’t want to spend any money because I’ll be doing enough of that in New Zealand.

Fifth, my backpack and laptop case straps are killing my sunburned shoulders so I don’t want to carry them around too much.

Sixth, it’s boring.

Airports themselves are hectic and crowded so it’s overwhelming to have such a long layover.  It’s only been 4 hours and I’ve already watched five episodes of That ‘70s Show, played numerous games of Spider Solitaire, posted on the blog, explored the flight museum and library, and browsed through most of the book stores.  Thankfully, I was told there is a ‘Reflection Room’ by a kind worker which is where I now sit.

In this ‘Reflection Room’ it is far quieter than everything outside and I get to overlook the airplanes.  It’s pretty nifty and could actually make this whole 11 hour layover not so bad. BUT, we’re not actually allowed to have electronics in here (I’m alone now so no one can see me breaking the rules) meaning there are no plug-ins and my battery will surely die.   You’re also not supposed to sleep, but I think I’ll do that anyway because my 3 hours of sleep just aren’t cutting it.

In sum, layovers are not fun.  Within 4 hours I’ve nearly exhausted everything to explore at this giant airport and am just eager to get to my destination.  Uck, time pass faster, please.

Secret Pleasure #19: Blankie

Here goes a sort of embarrassing secret pleasure post: my blankie.

Everyone had one as a baby, some have them as adults.  And truly, I don’t think there’s too much to be ashamed of.

Originally, as a baby, my blanket was yellow like BJ’s from Barney.  I carried (or crawled with) it all around my house sticking it up my nose and drying my tears: all the classic kid stuff.  Eventually, my parents threw it away because it was so disgusting, but I was also at the age where I didn’t really need one anymore.  Yet, one day (I’d guess around the age of 6) I saw my brother’s Tweety Bird Blanket in his room and I had to have it.  It looks like this but with yellow trim:

Having my brother’s blanket made me feel closer to him (and I liked to think he was jealous that I had it – he wasn’t) and my parents in general.  I slept with that blanket all of my childhood.  Perhaps, around the age of 12 I had overcome my dependency on it (I didn’t take it to sleepovers or anything), but I still liked to have it around.  First off, I’d grown so accustomed to sleeping with the blanket under my head that, without it, I felt like my neck was cramping.  Also, it was a sign of comfort.

When I went to college I took my blanket.  No, I didn’t always sleep with it, but when I was having a good cry it was always taken out of the drawer.  I’d put it up to my face and inhale; it smells the same as it did when I was 6.  I’d snuggle with it under my arms; it’s still just as soft.  And, simply looking at it made me calm; no, it’s not as colorful as before.

Now, as I sit here writing this post in the middle of the airport on my way to New Zealand for 5 months I’m happy I packed my blanket.  Yes, I had to take out a few of my precious clothes in order for it to fit; however, on that one day that I’m feeling blue I know I’ll be glad to have it with me.

My Secret Pleasure: Taking comfort in my childhood and family

1000 Things We Hate #167: Laugh Tracks

 

I’m not one to usually laugh during movies or TV.  A lot of the time I get a wee bit annoyed at people who do so because then I can’t hear the next line and won’t know what’s going on.  But, realistically I can never stop (and I wouldn’t want to ruin the fun of) the people who do laugh.  BUT, laugh tracks are completely different!

Yes, apparently you can download a cd with the 10 most common laughs on it. Wow, sounds like fun.

Laugh tracks are disruptive and annoying.  Seriously, they’re all the exact same 3 laughs over and over and over and over and over again…

Most of the time I don’t even laugh when the track is playing.  Isn’t that supposed to be its purpose – get us to laugh more?  Or is it just to alert us to a joke the producers think we’re too stupid to catch on our own.

The worst thing about laugh tracks is that they’re on some of my favorite shows like That ’70s Show and The Big Bang Theory.  The first few episodes are such a pain to get through, but yes, you do eventually get used to it.  However, the quality of the show always goes down in my opinion.