1000 Things We Hate #13: Short Coats

22 12 2009

So, you’re just heading out for a day out on the town, but you notice that it is a bit of a blustery day. You reach into your closet to pull out the only thing you’ve got, that cute little leathery number that cinches at the waist that you thought would go so well with your skinny jeans and those ridiculous furry boots you bought for someone else, but secretly decided to keep for yourself. Well, don’t you wish you had bought a REAL FUCKING COAT?! I bet you do.

She clearly looks chilly.

Short coats capture no heat, and is that not the entire point of a coat, to retain heat? Heat retention gets to be wildly impossible when only one quarter of your body is actually covered up. I hate to break it to you folks, but heat escapes, it’s all really a simple matter of the first law of thermodynamics, “in an isolated system the heat is constant”; and within the concept of the “short coat” the isolation is clearly broken, morons.

It's all quite simple.

I’ve been asking myself for years, what might be the practical uses for a “short coat”?

  1. Dogs – When their fur is short, and that’s the way their genetics have built them. Now if we put them in actual little coats, that’s when shit goes south. I mean, let’s face it, little dogs looking all uncomfortable in miniature coats?

    He looks so sad.

    For some reason, we love that shit. We can’t get enough of all of those pictures of all of those poor dogs squeezed into misshapen crocheted pieces of trash that aren’t good enough to use as potholders.

    I certainly wouldn't pull a tray of cookies out of the oven with that shit.

    But, I suppose that what I mean when I refer to this is a sweater; this is slightly more acceptable than a “short coat”, because it actually fits them. Now, see, if dogs were to actually wear “short coats”, rather than sweaters, it would be 100% completely impractical. I mean, they simply don’t have long enough front legs to accommodate for the ridiculous length of the sleeves. They would be walking on the sleeves all day, which would really just wear out the material. This brings me to my next point…

  2. Gorillas – This is really the only reasonable option for the concept of the “short coat” (other than my next point). First off, their arms are ridiculously long, thus giving them the perfect advantage for the long sleeves of the “short coat”.


    As my sister Natalie once wisely told me, Mighty Joe Young would feel right at home in the arctic wearing one of those, and he would be looking quite fashionable at that.

  3. Dwarves – That’s right, dwarves, like Snow White and the Seven Fucking Dwarves. Only their awkwardly proportioned bodies could possibly handle the equally awkward proportions of the “short coat”. Did anyone else notice that all of the Munchkins in the Wizard of Oz were wearing them? Probably not, because they looked like normal-sized coats on them. I know that Verne Troyer has quite the collection of them tucked away in the drawer beneath his crib. It just makes sense, does it not?

    See?! It works on him! I probably couldn't say the same for the lady.

Now, things get to become a real issue when larger people think that it is also fashionable to wear said “short coats”. But they simply don’t have the same structure as gorillas or dwarves to be able to pull it off; and they certainly don’t have the same genetic makeup as dogs. So, in all reality, they’re simply out of luck when it comes to this frightening fashion trend.

Tried, and failed.

I mean, when they force the zipper to connect, it really only pushes up and covers the chestular area; and I make it a personal rule that whenever an outfit allows you to lick the crumbs off your tits, you probably shouldn’t be wearing it. Larger people were licking their chops while they leapt for the gravy train on this one, but I’m afraid they missed it by a couple hundred yards.

Isn’t the whole point of a fucking coat that it protects you, dare I say it, from the cold?! When it cuts off in the middle, it is really defeating the entire purpose of the concept of the coat. And when the sleeves are longer than the coat, I think you’ve got some issues.


So, let’s try and stick to dogs, gorillas, and dwarves with this one; let’s give them the pleasure of wearing something that actually fits them, rather than us raping something else for them, as we so often do.



One response

22 12 2009

Wonderful. I couldn’t agree more!

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