1000 Things We Hate #14: Andrew Lloyd Webber

4 01 2010

ASSHOLE

Alright, I have a major bone to pick with this man: Andrew Lloyd Webber. That’s right, the fucker who wrote Cats and defecated all over The Phantom of the Opera. Let us, for a moment, take a gentle stroll down memory lane and into the PITS OF HELL; in chronological order of course.

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat:

He's pondering life right there, and Marie.

Anything that STARS Donny Osmond is automatically a steaming pile of shit and should never be whole-heartedly taken as anything more than that, and certainly not as fucking art or musical expression by any means. You kind of lose all respect, whatever ounce you had left, when “Go, go, go Joseph” comes on shattering all dignity with its disco-style riff. The only good thing that has ever come out of this mess is the creation of the evil character named Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Nightmare Coat in Venture Bros. Other than that this show can rot right alongside that incestuous Donny Osmond and his sister.

Jesus Christ Superstar:

The ladies are clearly loving this.

I mean, come on! Alright guys, I have this awesome idea, what if, now stop me if I’m getting’ too crazy here, but what if… Jesus comes out in a leather jacket in order to win the hearts of all the ladies. He’s got to be a total stud, right? What the fuck is this? I mean, seriously. They actually break out into song when Mary Magdalene is rubbing ointment all over his body. Jesus was clearly far too sexy to say no to. I was also unaware that the Last Supper was actually a simple musical interlude; and he’s still singing while he’s being hammered onto a fucking cross and dying!

Seriously.

That’s not something that just takes some stamina, that’s just plain ri-goddamn-diculous. Everything about this play just sounds like something a bunch of high schoolers came up with in ten minutes for an improv sketch that they desperately needed for a school-wide assembly.

Cats:

Why?

Need I say more? Honestly? A bunch of fucking assholes running around dressed up like cats licking their twats, that’s all it is; seriously.

They definitely just got done lickin' cooch; you can tell.

My question is, what kind of cracked out mother-fucker named all of those goddamn cats? I mean, Rumpelteazer, Rumpus Cat, Mr. Mistoffelees, Grizabella, Old Deuteronomy? Need I go on?!  No one would ever consciously name their cats any of these things. It just doesn’t make sense! How it’s been magically running for nearly THIRTY YEARS, and won a million fucking awards at the same time, is beyond me. I mean, what exactly is the purpose of all of this nonsense? Is it supposed to be some sort of deranged social commentary, an in-depth look into the complicated lives of cats? People! It’s already been done! Did anyone see An American Tale? Because I did; enough said.

The Phantom of the Opera:

Major creep.

I don’t think I’ve encountered anything possibly more 80’s than this; self-obsessed older men with self-esteem issues and foul, slicked back hair creepin’ on much younger females and synthesizers with plenty of backing electric drumbeats; there was probably a lot of coke shoved in there too. There were already two brilliant versions made, one with the ever-changing Lon Chaney and the other with the genius stage actor Claude Raines; there was no need for the horrifying addition of synth! Whatever music of the night that existed before this wretched musical, was mutilated, raped, and slit from navel to nose as soon as it hit West End.

I’ve also just received word that a little musical entitled Phantom: Love Never Dies is scheduled to be released this year. That’s right, The fucking SEQUEL to The fucking Phantom of the fucking Opera. I think my eye actually started twitching when I found out.

To sum it all up, my hope is that this man gets drug out into the street and shot, to put it lightly. I could go on as to the multiple blood-soaked ways I imagine him dying by my hand, but that would take far too long. So, for the sake of being precise, most variations include hammers.

Everyone knows that being knighted is a total joke anyways.


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17 responses

4 01 2010
William Skiles Danger Wienert

I have never been so offended in my entire life, Andrew Lloyd Webber has given this world more entertainment than any THREE people combined… Jesus Christ Superstar is not only a great musical, but a great reimagining of the life of Christ… I propose an 11th commandment (or 16th if Mel Brooks wrote your bible) “Thou Shalt Not slander A.L.W.” What Do you think gives you the right to say such terrible things? I hope you remember that God is watching you… All the time… Especially when you slander Broseph Webber.
So the next time you close your eyes, just imagine J.C. Superstar up on that cross, dying for your sins with style, and musical flare… and you just try and make a joke, you bellicose truncheon, you prancing kingfisher… Just you try.

3 02 2010
Ma’am, You’ve Got Yourself a Healthy Blog! « MechanisticMoth

[…] Popular Posts: – J. Scott Campbell with 685 views – Andrew Lloyd Weber with 419 views – Super HeroiHot She-Hulk with 144 […]

7 02 2010
Lindsey

I don’t mind that you dislike Lloyd Webber (although to wish him a very gruesome death may be a bit much), but all of your cracks on CATS are actually insults directed toward T.S. Eliot, not Webber. He wrote the book that the show was based on, which means that HE came up with all of the ridiculous cat names and stories. Careful with insulting people like Eliot…he’s great for a reason.

1 03 2010
1000 Things We Hate #25: Dick in English Class « MechanisticMoth

[…] hated someone and had to seethe it all over you.  Partly, I blame Monique for writing about Andrew Lloyd Weber so eloquently, and, partly, I blame… the dick in my English class. Even with his identity […]

3 03 2010
Gunslinger Online » Blog Archive » 1000 Things We Hate #25: Dick in English Class

[…] hated someone and had to seethe it all over you.  Partly, I blame Monique for writing about Andrew Lloyd Weber so eloquently, and, partly, I blame… Well, the dick in my English […]

22 03 2010
Cassi Anderson

Just so you know, The Phantom of the Opera is based off a book that was written in 1910 by Gaston Leroux and around that time I’m pretty sure it was okay for older men to be in love with 17 year olds.

28 03 2010
mickie213

I think that all the people who are hating on Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musicals need to go get a life. Seriously? who spends their time hating on awesome shows. it’s fine if you don’t like them, but to publically diss the shows AND the artists is just rude and offensive. Get a life.

14 12 2010
Cheese

Hi. Welcome to the internet.

5 05 2010
richard

i find this stupid like the part about “cats” the cats belong to a lot of people and they meet 1 every year so one person didn name them and the film “An American Tale” is about a mouse not a cat so get your facts straight. and then the phantom of the opra is a world renownd book that he put in to a play format so if you are saying you dont like it you wouldnt like 70% of allfilms made or TV shows

11 05 2010
Alice

There’s nothing wrong with the 80’s. There is nothing wrong with Love Never Dies – I’ve heard all the soundtrack and if you don’t like the 80’s then you’ll like this as there is more or less no synth whatsoever – a lot of it is classical actually, so maybe you should try that.
There is most definitely nothing wrong with the world’s greatest composer. At least he has a sense of humour.
P.S I don’t trust anybody who can’t even spell sequel.

15 07 2010
1000 Things We Hate #67: Lindsay Lohan « MechanisticMoth

[…] we here at MechanisticMoth taken stabs at real people for 1000 Things We Hate.  These occured with Andrew Lloyd Weber and English Class Dick.  However, it’s high time someone faced our wrath.  And, as Monique […]

30 07 2010
Hannah Haugen

I agree Andrew Llyod Weber blows. I particularly liked it because it brought me back to old childhood memories of watching They Nanny where they constantly bashed on Mr. Weber. Though I must say Phantom of the Opera is a guilty pleasure, but I cannot take Andrew Llyod Weber serioulsy because CATS… are you fucking kidding me…. who the fuck invests in that shit!

23 11 2010
LJ Levy

You know what? You’re the one who’s an asshole. For one thing, in not one production of Cats did you see any of the characters “licking their twats”. How can I possibly take you seriously after a remark like that? I mean, you didn’t even come close to “getting” the point of the story, did you? Obviously not. You’re a moron, ripping something you don’t even try to understand. I’m betting you’re probably some Glenn Beck ass-licking Tea Partier. I’m rather amazed you spelled Mr. Webber’s name properly, though I note that some of your adherents did not. There’s a reason why Cats had the second longest run on Broadway. People liked it. They understood the message. They enjoyed it. Oh, and by the way, I currently have two cats. Their names are Mungojerrie and Rumpleteaser. Better known as Jerrie and Tease. I did have a Jennyanydots, but she passed away a few years ago. My only advice to you would be to quit running off at the mouth about something that most other people love and appreciate.

23 11 2010
Yung Klark

“People liked it. They understood the message. They enjoyed it. Oh, and by the way, I currently have two cats. Their names are Mungojerrie and Rumpleteaser. Better known as Jerrie and Tease. I did have a Jennyanydots, but she passed away a few years ago.”

As I can tell by your cat’s names, you’re obviously a big fan of “Cats”, so I don’t think you have any room to tell people to re-evaluate something you have a clear bias to. I agree that Andrew Lloyd Webber makes terrible plays, and I’ve never even seen CATS, but it’s clear enough from the costumes and songs that it’s something I wouldn’t even be remotely interested in. Millions of people did love him. In the 80’s. I think he has largely become irrelevant. (Thank god.)

Also, I don’t know why you drag politics into a blog post about the play “CATS”. This clearly isn’t a political discussion, and you have no other ammunition other than to accuse someone of being a “Tea Partier”. Get a life. If you stop to look around on this blog for something other than the play “CATS”. (Something tells me you were mindlessly googling for any new info on “CATS” as you do everyday when you stumbled upon this site.) you would see that the writers of this site are anything other than “Ass licking fans of Glenn Beck.”

Fuck CATS.

12 06 2011
Jaydee

Finally! An accurate assessment of webber’s garbage! One thing, the names of the cats are from a great book of children’s poems by T S Elliot. Unlike webber Elliott was talented. Webber needs to learn basic orchestration too! Typical brit mediocrity like the beatles. Brits do not do music well!

11 11 2011
1000 Things We Hate #201: Etc. «

[…] harpooning Etcetera and putting her on a spit.  Then, Monique can shove the toasted remains of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s into Etcetera as […]

30 03 2013
Lance

You can have your opinion, but Webber is solely responsible for bringing musicals into the modern age and allowed other shows like Les Mis. Superstar is one of the most powerful shows in the last 40 years. All of Webber’s music was extraordinary. I suggest you actually see one of the shows before you tell lies.

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