1000 Things We Hate #16: Haircuts

7 01 2010

There are multiple ways to approach this one…

The Tools of the Hairstylist... Similar to the Tools used in the Inquisition

1.) The strange power dynamic that the hairstylist and you share once you enter that haircut seat making you feel weak, and that all of your suggestions and comments will casually be considered but eventually thrown out for the hairstylist’s expertise on the matter.

2.) Actually getting your hair cut and the strange amount of effort it takes to finally go and do it.

3.) The Post-Haircut what-the-fuck-is-all-of-this-shit-in-my-ear clean up effort.

There are more, but I’m going with these three.

Click for more of my thoughts and commentary on them:


I never had a stylist look so at peace.

I hate that feeling of first sitting in the chair as the drapery is thrown around my neck and the first words out of the person’s mouth revolve around “So, what are we going to do today!?”  Obviously, I’m here for a hair cut.  There’s your answer, dumbass.

Then, I go through the motions of stating that I like it longer on top and in front by I always seem to keep on going shorter on the sides because my head sort of looks like Sinestro’s when the hair’s longer there.

Fear the terrible hair style and stache!

You just sort of sit there as they work their perceived “magic.”  I don’t like this.  On one hand, I do enjoy them washing my hair and then serving my needs because it makes me feel better than them; I definitely enjoy that feeling.  On the other, you are at their mercy.  So, if the old lady who’s trying to help out her crippled husband by cutting hair for the rest of her life tells you war stories of friends… you listen.  I don’t want to talk, I just want my hair cut, dammit.

I went to Hair Masters recently partly because it was the first place I ever got my hair cut in Tacoma and I’m too lazy to find anyone else.  So, heading there I expect them to master my hair which my stylist successfully did, but not without bitter repose.

“I’d actually kind of like a little bit more off the sides, please.”

“Alright, I wish you would have told me that when you saw me cutting it earlier.”

“Well, sorry (bitch, you sort of spun me around so I couldn’t see myself in the mirror) about that.”

*She then proceeds to trim my bangs and let the hair drop into my eyes without cleaning it up.*

Then, in all the fun of it, its a service that you’re expected to tip at.  What the fuck is up with that!?  I tip waiters when they’re nice, but I don’t if I didn’t like you.  A tip is a tip because it’s to suggest that the person did a good job.  Waiters bring you food… Hairstylists provide you something that you’ll be stuck with for at least a month.  So, it’s really disappointing knowing that the quality of your hair cut is based on how much the hairstylist judges you’ll tip them.

Onto #2:

That's more like a real salon.

I’m a guy.  So, I’m totally speaking from that perspective.  However, like Dave Lizewski (the character, not the auction winner) in “Kick-Ass,” I consider myself a metrosexual.  Yes, I pluck my eyebrows.  Yes, I try to dress up really nice.  Yes, I embrace my feminine side quite often.  I’m not gay, but I like to take care of yourself (pretty dumb that gay has become synonymous for taking care of yourself and caring).

There’s a lot of preparation that goes into a haircut!

I get the same haircut nearly every time (except when I had hair down to my shoulders in high school), and yet I still find that once I head into a hair place, I’m not exactly sure what to do.  Out of nervousness, I always make the same joke about my sideburns being a jungle.

This has got to be much harder for women or men with longer hair.  Do you cut it all the way off?  Do you stylize what you have?  How do you tweak your current look to something fresh and original while still remaining you?

It’s your goddamn hair, but you love it all the same.

That doesn’t mean I don’t still hate the prep work involved.


Unlike most post-haircuts, the hair of this man in his ears is attached.

I just took a shower after my haircut… what do I still have clinging inside my ears and my face?  Oh yeah, my hair.

Hair salons should have wind tunnels that you can go in and get all of that loose hair off of you.  I’d prefer if you could do this naked… with the premium examples of perfection within the human race of the opposite sex helping you.

Alas, that’s not a dream that will become realized anytime soon.

What’s that you find sticking onto your armpit three days after your haircut?  Oh yeah, the trim you got.  That sucks.



2 responses

18 01 2010

Oh my.. that mans ears are terrifying.

25 01 2010

I have a nervous tick that makes haircuts even worse. Whenever someone gets near my head, especially with buzzing sharpened instruments, it tends to uncontrollably twitch. I end up trying to drown out all external stimulae by concentrating on my foot, and it’s all just really fucking weird.

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