1000 Things We Hate #17: Fully Closed Pistachio Shells

17 01 2010

Pistachios are sort of delicacy for the average American.  For one: they cost a shitload by the pound (these are often still shelled so you’re paying for a lot of something that you won’t eat).  For two: they’re salted.  That’s the perfect combination for proving you’re American.

My Dad has a tradition for christmas every year: he buys me one of those big 5 lb. bags of pistachios from Kirkland (Costco).  I’m not exactly sure how this started, and since I’m not a fan of christmas, it’s one of the few things I look forward to every Winter.

So, what’s the most frustrating thing to have happen to you while you dig your hand into that giant bag and get a handful of savory nuts with the powdery salt making your fingertips white?  That’s right, you get a pistachio that the shell still hasn’t split open yet.  Or, even worse, there’s just a sliver with the tiny little nut peaking out to say hello but not inviting you in.

What a dick, pistachio nut.  What a dick.

You save this one for last.  Or, hell, you throw it back into the bag to dig up at some future point knowing that you will have to face this natural disaster.  Finally, it comes time that you’ve mustered the strength to tackle this evil fate… but, how do you do it?  Do you grab a hammer and bash the thing?  Or, how about just cracking it in between your teeth?  What would happen if you put it in the microwave…?

I often opt for the teeth method.  Grab that damned nut and put it between your jaw and release 70 pounds per square inch of awesomeness.  Then, you hear a distinct crack and think, “Oh shit, dentist time.”  Gladly, you open your mouth fully, extract out the nut, and discover that this time you haven’t messed up your beautiful whites.

That crack is probably the scariest thing.  I hate it.  I hate that pistachios are so good that we go through so much effort just to salvage one.

The worst thing ever: you go through all that effort only to have a rotten pistachio.

Damn nature.



3 responses

17 01 2010

Bob Weir of the Grateful Dead once said in an interview—and he was being very cheeky—that the difference between plugging away as musicians, which the Dead actually did for decades financially, and hitting it big, which only happened near the end right before Garcia blew up, could be represented by what you do with closed pistachios. Before you hit it big, you try and try until you get it open. After, you just toss it aside and buy more. He’s eaten a lot of pistachios.

18 01 2010

Its comparable to opening a peanut shell… to find no peanut. I loathe that process.

4 02 2010

Haha, amazing post! And I so agree, pistachios can be pure evil.

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