1000 Things We Hate #21: Assholes on Scooters

24 01 2010

This is something that has always perplexed me greatly, the concept of the scooter. Maybe I’ve never been “with the times”, but when exactly did they start coming back? And I don’t mean them coming back into the hands of children, fucking eight year olds zooming around the neighborhood; I mean full grown fucktards who think it’s fuckin’ cool to race around the whole goddamn city on them. Do they think it’s the quickest mode of transportation? Even as a fucking kid I knew it wasn’t. Do they honestly believe that they look cool doing it? Well, you don’t look cool assholes, you just look fucking ridiculous. So, how did that happen? I have a couple of theories as to the roots of this utterly absurd phenomenon that I would like to share with you now.

  1. I blame Zoolander. I think all these 20-something-year old guys watched that high as fuck and thought, “yeah man, fuckin’ Hansel. Shit. That guy… he fuckin’ knows… with his fuckin’ scooter. Shit man, he looks so cool. I want one.” Thanks a lot Owen Wilson. You’re a dick. I hope you feel good about yourself for this atrocity that you’ve unleashed upon the world. I hope that the next time you’re walking down the street you get run down by one of the scooter-brandishing monsters you’ve brought to life, and that you’re so distraught that you fling your arms into the air and scream, “These hands were not meant to create!” And you completely breakdown in the middle of the busy avenue and start running around, knockin’ shit out of people’s hands, punching children right in the face, and shoving old ladies in wheelchairs into various fruit stands for effect. Then, you start crying uncontrollably, grabbing the hems of lady’s dresses, begging to be locked away for the crimes that you’ve committed. Because you have. The court has found you guilty; G-U-I-L-T-Y, guilty, guilty, guilty. (I got that from an old cartoon; it always taught me how to spell guilty as a kid, and consequently I still have to murmur it to myself whenever I use it.)
  2. I also blame reverting back to our childhoods. Alright, I’ll admit it, I’m actually seven years old, and I completely embrace this fact. I still laugh at poop, because, let’s face it, poop is funny. But that’s not the point; the point is that I understand reverting back to the mental state of our childhoods, but there’s line that one must draw. And that line does NOT include circling around people on scooters like vulturing bullies looking to rough up some kid for his lunch money. Are they just trying to relive the “heyday” of their lives? Because I really don’t recall scooters being in any way the “heyday” of my childhood. In fact, scooters pretty much blew. I remember the “scooter craze”; what kid didn’t find one of those foul contraptions under their tree that year? I also remember that you couldn’t get anywhere very quickly, and it was a hell of a lot of fucking work to do it. I’m pretty sure that I gave up the scooter the next day and went back to digging to China in my backyard, because a pile of dirt was more fucking exciting than a scooter, which should say something.

So here’s a message for you assholes who own scooters at the age of 23: you are completely and utterly underdeveloped. And if you ever expect to score a lady, you will never do it with a scooter, excusing it by calling it your “boyish charm”, we’re not stupid. So, just keep that in mind the next time you scoot past me downtown, shoving me off the sidewalk on your fucking nonsensical two-wheeled goddamn device; because then, I’ll be forced to snatch it out from under you so that you fall and crack your head open on the sidewalk, and I’ll just stand there and laugh hysterically as the blood oozes from your brain because I’ll know that you will now actually have the mental capacity of an eight year old, and then riding around on that stupid fucking scooter will be excusable once more.

Don’t even get me started on electric scooters.


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4 responses

26 01 2010
Alexandria

This officially made me laugh. Thank you oh so much for the blood, poop, and other amusing moments today : )

27 06 2010
cheapelectricscooters

Interesting post 🙂 I agree that scooters are just for children. It is just too ridiculous and funny when adults ride it.

22 10 2010
bryce

you must be a idiot to think like this what gives your dumb ass the right to talk shit on my sport you make no sence look up scootering pros on youtube i bet you more people look at them than your bitch ass i bet you you cant get a girl to even look at you ive been rideing scooters sence thay came out so fuck you find somethin interesting to do insted of talking shit yeah iam doin it but i have to you do it cause you are mad at the world cause you cant do enything interesting with your life but sit on your ass and write stupid shit like this just be glad ive never rode by you on the streets i would fuck you up you loser

8 12 2011
1000 Things We Hate #206: Scooting School Desks « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] They may be entirely unrelated aside from “scoot” being in them, but check out this 1000 Things We Hate on Scooters! […]

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