1000 Things We Hate #25: Dick in English Class

1 03 2010

You know, I started out 1000 Things We Hate trying to avoid the one thing that is inevitable for people like Monique and me: hating people.  Okay, I knew it was impossible, but I’ve lasted 24 (we have a whole day + now, people!) hates until I couldn’t stand how much I vehemently hated someone and had to seethe it all over you.  Partly, I blame Monique for writing about Andrew Lloyd Weber so eloquently, and, partly, I blame… Well, the dick in my English class.

Even with his identity carefully pixelatedly hidden, you can sense his ugly smirk and know that this guy is a dick.

So, I’ll begin things off by sharing that there’s usually always some dick in an English or Philosophy class.  You may find yourself thinking “holy shit, I totally know a person like that!”  I don’t blame you, they basically foam out of the pores of the earth.  That being said, you’ll also find that many of these things are rather specific which elevates this certain dick above many others.

Today, I had my English class.  All around, it’s a very awesome class with a wonderful professor who I’ve been wanting to study under for quite some time.  She had a sinus headache today.  Dick (as I’ll refer to him as if he was originally Richard) was in a moody mood.  We had to split up into groups.

This is the type of guy that you don’t want to be in a two person group in.  This is the type of guy that the air breathes a sigh of relief as the students realize it is no longer so goddamn pretentious and tense in the room anymore.

While speaking with him based upon the questions on a handout, I discovered that I really need to never show up only two minutes before class again to avoid this catastrophe.

I took a list right next to him of everything I hate about him.

  • His sentences are interjected with “I mean” which is a near cry to “You know what I mean” and “you know”
  • Often ends midway through sentences as if his brain decided to shut down and the fans are cooling
  • When he does manage to end a sentence, it is normally with “right”
  • 5 minutes of him speaking could easily be paraphrased to 1 minute by any second grader (if they could get through the next bullet)
  • He has a vocabulary that really seems to come from “The Dictionary of the Most Ostentatious Words Ever”
  • Extremely redundant in his thoughts… disguised by his ability to be a human the-saurus
  • A gun to the head would be more subtle than how he flaunts his Writing and Culture major
  • Did I mention that he has a rat tail?  Yes, this rat tail happens to be braided and rest delicately along his right clavicle waiting for the day in which it can escape and claw its previous owner
  • Cigarette stench… immensely.  I try to avoid most things that remind me of my grandfather and death
  • What do you get with those cigarettes!?  Oh yeah, stained and yellowing teeth!
  • He typically wears a plaid shirt unbuttoned with a t-shirt underneath… this t-shirt is normally some neon color

Oh yes, those are quite awful… but it got/gets worse.

Equating yourself to god... something I did when I was 16, asshole. Stop trying to be original.

When searching for an image of him, I found his blog.  Now, I’m not going to link to it because I don’t want to end up in a group presentation and have this hanging over our heads…

Sure, you do a lot of writing… one of your favorite books is “Asterios Polyp”… you were in a zombie movie called “Melvin” in which Lloyd Kaufman made a cameo (at least according to IMDB)…

Really, all of these things would make you my best friend…  Then, I look at your face again, and it reminds me of that feeling when you do too many crunches, haven’t drank water all day, and are constipated.

Your humor section isn’t even funny.  It’s awful.  I would quote some of it, but that would be too much.  It reminds me of John Hodgman, but in a really really bad way.  If John Hodgman was dead, this guy would be crying over his grave knowing that he could no longer half-assedly rip off his jokes and timetables.  I love John Hodgman, just relating English Class Dick to John Hodgman hurts that little-area-that-we-sometimes-call-metaphorically-my-heart.

You think you’re clever.  Well, sometimes it is easier to be likable and all-around decent when you make things easier on people.

The sucky part of the whole thing is that he won’t ever change, and it’s obvious that this bravado steams off of him like a freshly minted cow pie.

English Guy, you are a dick.

UPDATE: 5/3/10

I think English Class Dick may have discovered this, but I’m okay with it.

Today, during class, I got really upset at him… well, that’s a pretty common occurrence.

Anyway, I drew this picture:

Yes, I'm fully aware that my TMNT drawings are showing.

Isn’t that sparklingly delightful.  I enjoy how his eye bleeds goo/mascara.  He probably wore mascara when he was 15 to be edgy.  If this was real, I’d like to headbutt that needle even further into his eye… maybe titillate some brain cells.

Oh, yeah, I’m getting sidetracked.  Long story short:

Showed fellow classmate.  She found it hilariously true.  Sent classmate link.  She found it hilariously true.  She suggested some additions to the list of Dickshitcuntfuck things he does:

This is BEAUTIFUL! You’ve captured almost everything about him. You missed, however, his obnoxious interruptions (as he, of course, is the only person exempt from the hand-raising politeness of classroom behavior), and the way he violently shakes his head while someone is talking if he doesn’t agree with them.

I would also like to add that he normally begins his interruptions with “Well!….” or “I don’t agree!…”  It’s that stall that really bothers me.  It’s like he’s some infant fuck testing the water’s temperature with floaties on and goggles, and in a full body bathing suit… and has an ear infection… and is mentally retarded.

Oh, and I’m glad McSweeney’s thinks otherwise because, quite frankly, you have one of the poorest “new age” web designs out there.  So, I really can’t take your articles seriously with the narrow middle column screaming “garbage of phallic-sized proportions!”

English Class Dick, suck it.



4 responses

2 05 2010

mcsweeneys thinks otherwise

15 07 2010
1000 Things We Hate #67: Lindsay Lohan « MechanisticMoth

[…] taken stabs at real people for 1000 Things We Hate.  These occured with Andrew Lloyd Weber and English Class Dick.  However, it’s high time someone faced our wrath.  And, as Monique (you’ll see […]

30 07 2010
Hannah Haugen

I can’t believe there aren’t more comments about this. I think “the English class dick” is what I dread most about college, sure it’s tedious to bullshit half your papers, sure it’s annoying when professors speak over your head, or class with attendance policies but the absolute worst fucking thing in the world is that arrogant little know it all prick who in all reality doesn’t have a fucking brain in that thick greesy head of his! I fear a pandemic in that I’ve realized in every english class I’ve taken these people turn out to be english majors. I have come to truly despise the whole lot of them. And I have officially sworn off all english classes to avoid the scum of the earth.

16 04 2011

Angry rants and complaints on person nobody will ever care/know about… something I did when I was 14, asshole.

This is really low.

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