1000 Things We Hate #32: Honor Student Bumper Stickers

4 04 2010

Here’s the dealio, I’m really tired of this. Clearly I’m tired of a lot of things in this feature. But, to be honest, there are a lot of things out there that are well deserved of my hatred. You might be asking, “why doesn’t she talk about more important things? Like social reform, welfare, hatred, violence?”

I guess stuff like this is important.

Well, I could talk about these things, but that’s a long winded discussion that I’m really not in the mood to get into right now. Culturally, we, as a people, are pretty fucked. So, I will continue to bash on these lesser important topics so that you might be able to grasp that one day.

So, as we were gentlemen. As I was saying, I’m tired of the fact that I even need to voice this; I see these things everywhere. Why? I couldn’t tell you. But I can tell you that they are a plague. As I drive around in my free 1986 shitbox, I come across a nice, comfy, reliable Lexus sporting a bumper sticker that says, “My kid is an honor student”.


Really? Is that all you have to say to me? That your stupid kid is a fucking honor student? Fuck you. I get it, you’re proud of your kid. Right? And that’s totally understandable when they’ve worked hard to get there. However, there’s really no need to put it on a bumper sticker to show it off to the rest of the fucking world. I don’t care!

Thanks for making all of the rest of us feel like winners, really. We appreciate that. We appreciate the fact that you insist on parading around how much better you are than the rest of us, that you’re a better parent, that you raised a better, brighter child than the rest of us. Thanks for pointing out that you can give your kid everything; you probably bought them a car too, right? Yeah, thanks dickhole.

Fuck you and your car.

I’m sure that I can speak for the rest of us when I say you can take your fucking chauvinist bumper sticker and fold it nicely wrap it up in foil (swan formation required), and shove it up your ass so you get little cuts from the aluminum on the edges of the wings and beak in your rectum.

Not so pleasant when it is wedged into your shithole, huh.

That’s when the blood will begin to ooze. And before you know it you won’t be able to sleep, headaches will be frequent, you’ll begin to feel weak, you’ll find yourself stuttering at awkward moments and you won’t be able to control yourself any longer.

No fun.

The aluminum has already begun to enter your system. It’s too late. Soon your kidney will have trouble functioning properly, and then where will you be? Poisoned. That’s where mother fucker. So just consider that next time, before you go to the garage to slap on your stupid new bumper sticker on your new fancy gas-efficient vehicle.



6 responses

4 04 2010

This is such a class issue, too. All of the nice cars with the middle to upper class parents driving them have the stickers. There are just as capable children who are honor students, but they don’t get stickers because they’re poor and their parents don’t have as much of an opportunity to show off. Poor kids don’t get as many opportunities, in general. Down with the Bourgeoisie!

28 10 2010

I agree, who gives a god fuckin’ shit on what you’re fuckin’ child has achieved. I fuckin’
hate how people and just about everyone mother fuckin’ thinks that kids who get straight A’s or at least fuckin’ honors in the world are going to be successful and fuckin’ better and rich than everyone fuckin’ else, and the kids who aren’t honors students will just have an average life, and nothing like fucking over achievers. Next time I’m going down the highway and see a car with that bumper sticker, I’m goanna fuckin’ cap their god fuckin’ ass with my fucking gun, then I’ll fuckin’ shoot a bullet right though their fuckin’ skull. Fuckin’ assholes who think their going to be everything the god fuckin’ future…FUCK YOU

29 10 2010
someone you don't know

I agree, who cares what kids have. Anyone in the world can be successful in life, whether you’re an honors, or NOT an honors student. You can be rich or whatever you please as long as you graduate and get a job you like and you’re very good at. People who have those stickers are probably just thinking to themselves, “Were rich awesome people because I have a hard working kid that can do anything, I bet you’re kid isn’t as smart as mine, or as hard working,“ fuck them, that’s pretty much what that sticker says.

29 10 2010
someone you don't know


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[…] horrifying adventures with things adorning cars, check out Honor Student Bumper Stickers or Dogs Vs. Honor Student Bumper […]

11 01 2012
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[…] Cars lead to so much hate, check out a post on Bumper Stickers! […]

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