1000 Things We Hate #35: Dolphins

5 04 2010

There is no way around it: Dolphins are bastards.  They are conceited little fucks swimming in their giant ocean plotting of a day in which they’ll stop making us look so foolish.

I hate how the one purpose of the Dolphin is to show off how much better they are than humans.  Douglas Adams may have been right in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy about dolphins, but that does not make me fuckin happy about it.

Well, I have some proof that dolphins are just as ridiculous as humans:

That’s right!  Dolphins aren’t so goddamn innocent now, are they?  They’re not the sickly sweet little miracle workers that swim with children who have lost the ability to move their legs or give crazy obese people a hope for the future (while getting one hell of a workout).  They’re not the sociable, extremely intelligent water mammal that we’ve all come to expect.

Dolphins are killers.


Dolphins are murdering baby-killers of their own kind.

Fuck their sweet, cute voices.  The Simpsons provided a perfect example of the secret treachery dolphins have planned for humans in a Treehouse of Horror episode:

The Night of the Dolphin

Where did my extreme hatred of dolphins root itself in my childhood psyche?  I’ll tell you where fucking where:

Ecco the Dolphin videogame… what the fuck was that?

I have never hated 32 bits so much.

Not only was this game terribly difficult when I was 8, I tried playing it a year ago and I still couldn’t get past the same fuckin’ reef.  SERIOUSLY!!!?  I’m good at videogames.  I frankly don’t want to be going around using my echo location to talk to stupid ass fish who don’t know what a goddamn whirlpool is and speak only in something akin to cryptic lyrics.

So, where has that videogame lead me?

I hope that's your blood.

Alright, because I’m all for wildlife conservation, I can’t really be like: I want the elimination of all dolphins to have them go extinct.  Because, well, that’s a little much. Just… well, refrain from my thoughts on tuna fishing when you enter into a conversation about this with me.

But, if we were to live in a hypothetical world… let’s say in which only bats and a small handful of other animals had echo location, what if dolphins had never evolved!?  How would this benefit us as a human race?

Well, we wouldn’t waste billions of research grants just to figure out yet again that dolphins are nearly as intelligent (and probably more so) than humans.

We wouldn’t have so many goddamn key chains.

Whales (of all shapes and sizes) would be way more popular.

Half of the merchandise at dumbass beach shops that sell tourist items will be gone!

I’m not sure who would disagree with that ideal alternative world.

Or anything, because you'll be gone out of my life! Finally!

For more information on their evil: Dolphins Baffle


In the original post, I forgot to mention the one exception to my hate for dolphins.  What’s that exception?

Seen dead here underneath the Vibrator...

Dolphinman was by far one of the best superheroes ever invented and was included in Citizen Toxie as one of the superheroes to wrangle The Toxic Avenger (really the Noxious Offender! GASP!).  Nevertheless, the reason I love him is because the filmmakers completely admit that he’s entirely useless outside of water.  He just sort of walks around, is sort of wet, and squeaks.  He’s a tragic hero, really.  I love him so much.  I’ve always envisioned him as a hip hop breakdancer, is that weird?

If you enjoyed the rambling hate of a lunatic against dolphins, then surely you will enjoy other hates over here at the Master List! Quick, do it before your boss sees!



8 responses

5 04 2010

Fun Fact: They’re also one of the few other species who rape each other.

5 04 2010

Thank you so much for adding even more fuel to the fire! I would like to hug you.

12 04 2010

i cant stand the fact that people must talk shit about dolphins killing things but how do you expect them to survive? they are wild. so are orcas, hence the nick name “killer whale”. besides humans do a lot worse, they kill just to kill. dophins on the other hand have to survive and to protect themselves. dolphins kill their own kind a little less than the different species of dolphins attacking them. dolphins are social to an extent so not all dolphins can be life threatning, but then again be smart enough to not go in the damn water. Humans now a days just do not have any kind of common sense, if it is in the wild and out of your “comfy zone” then dont fucking do it. its that simple.

19 03 2011
Hapschil Playlist « MechanisticMoth

[…] with shoes.  Yet, somehow, they make it really sexy.  And was there anyone else rooting for a dolphin to be one of the animals shot […]

21 10 2011
BABY DOLPHIN « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] read the original hate on Dolphins, check it out here. Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this […]

27 12 2011
UPDATES! Yay! « 1000 Things We Hate


5 03 2012
Captain Planet « MechanisticMoth

[…] We all need the occasional reminder to be multi-cultural… and cause typhoons while surfing to hurt fat people hurting dolphins… […]

12 06 2012
Feminist Frequency or One Step Closer to Eliminating Sexism « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] However, I’d like to remind everyone that most of our hate is in jest.  I mean, can you really take us seriously when we write a whole post on how the dolphin is such a useless animal? […]

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