So I’m driving along, minding my own business, makin’ my way to home depot to get constructive on everyone’s ass, and I get stuck in traffic. No big deal, right? Just truckin’ along, doin’ mah thing. And normally I would have been fine with this. But not this time. I was sitting behind a little red Ford Eclipse when I looked off to the side corner. There it was, staring me straight in the eyes. It was a bumper sticker.
Now, I don’t have any issues with bumper stickers, I have plenty myself and very proudly enjoy showing off my “ I ❤ Tromaville” one. I don’t mind that people are showing off their opinions, or favorite bands, or brands, or whatever. But some things are just uncalled for. And this particular piece of filth was just that.
My teeth gritted as the thing sat there, scratching at my vision. It said, “My Bichon Frise is smarter than your honor student.” Seriously? Seriously. “My fucking dog is smarter than your fucking kid”? Hold up. I mean, for real? This is what it’s come to, eh? Goddammit. This is just infuriating. I don’t understand!
This is just the mindless combination of the two worst bumper sticker ideas known to man: talking about not only honor students, but dogs (for reference see 1000 Things We Hate article on honor student bumper stickers).
Alright, I agree to an extent, animals are incredibly intelligent, I don’t deny this. However, I don’t give a fuck if you think your bichon frise or your fucking labradoodle is smarter than an honor student. That is just an inadequate comparison.
Riddle me this, what exactly is it that your fucking dog does so fucking well. Can it fix my bike tire? Can it read a book for me and brief me on it? Will it translate Latin for me? Does it have the god damn capabilities to navigate me through the pits of hell? Because that’s clearly where you’re fucking from, you fucking dick hole.
This is really frustrating for me, because you’re fucking dog clearly cannot do any of these things. So you really shouldn’t go parading around that such a thing is fact. Maybe someone needs to explain this one to me or something, because I’m just not getting it. Is the red of your car attributed to the blood of said honor students? Then, and only then will I rebuke this statement. And if that is indeed true I will shake your dogs paw and submit my most thorough of apologies. But I really don’t think that’s the case.
Why not think of something measurable to compare an honor student to? Instead of a small fluffy white dog that would much rather lick your twat than do your algebra homework.
I also saw another one recently that said, “your honor student is merely pawn in my border collie’s diabolical world domination plot.” Alright, I get the idea. You’re trying to be funny, reinvent the original idea in a more clever context. Well, allow me to let you in on this, it’s the same goddamn thing! You’re not funny! And it’s certainly not fucking clever! Because when you get down to it, the concept is the exact same, “my dog is smarter than your honor student”. Am I right? Yes I am.
So please, no more reinventing of this old lady style obsession. I’m tired, angry, and would just like to get to the Grocery Outlet in peace assholes. So thanks a lot, for ruining another outing.