If there was a 1000 Things We Love, surely entering into the warm shower haven to escape the frosty palace of my bathroom would be within those 1000. But, we don’t do that because we’re bad people and like to bitch.
So, lucky for you, the opposite is true: I really fucking hate being in a warm shower only to know that in moments I will have to exit and have my testicles shrink to a fifth of their current size and my nipples turn so hard they will be about to burst.
Yeah, it sucks. It sucks so bad because you know it’s coming. You can feel the cold air fighting against the scalding hot water for domination over your body. You start shivering because you’re cold on the outside but warm on the inside and you just don’t know how you can bring yourself to do it.
Fuck, my oatmeal’s getting cold…
LIKE MY FUCKING BODY WHEN I GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
“Okay, you can do it, just fuckin run for it fuckin burst out you can do it do it do it fuuuuuhhhhhkkkkkkkk, I can’t it’s so warm.”
5 minutes later.
“Alright, you finished your routine of cleaning yourself and shampooing 15 minutes ago, it’s about fucking time to go… But, it’s sooooo cold! It’s like 30º out there and 100 in here… fuck my life fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!”
2 minutes later.
“Here it goes, FUGHHHHGHHHCHCKCKCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!”
You jump out of the shower and lunge for your towel scraping off 800 layers of skin while you briskly rub it all over your body as goosebumps turn into Mt. Fuckin Everest on your body. Run to your room. Put on 6 layers of clothes.
20 minutes later, you’re boiling from all of the layers.
That’s why we should just always be in the shower. I think it’s the best way around for the situation.
The unfortunate thing is, even if you jack up the heater before you enter the shower, you’ll probably still freeze upon exit. It’s sort of like exiting the atmosphere… but in your bathroom and with much more breathable air.
There is just no winning.
Ahoy there fellow traveler! Take a gander at the rest of 1000 Things We Hate!