1000 Things We Hate #50: Jehovah’s Witness Pamphlets (The Watchtower)

10 04 2010

Armageddon with people happily smiling as the light of heaven comes down! Yes, I would totally not be distracted too! Thanks obligatory other races for making our point more accessible!

How to end Hate Week on a bang?  Hmmmmm… How to celebrate getting to the 50/1000 Hates after 6 months of this?
How about making fun of crazy ass pamphlets!

Alright, not only is having the Jehovah’s Witnesses come to your doorstep annoying, but having them preach to you about their kickass pamphlet and how they have conventions all the time (think god-orgy) can really be overwhelmingly disgusting.  I give them props for their dedication, though.  My driveway back at home (not here in Tacoma) is about 50 yards long and uphill making most people reconsider driving up it especially in the winter time… plus, I have about 6 neighbors within a half mile of me… unlike 40 in suburban areas.  Plus, no one ever comes to my front door unless it’s religious zealots or the delivery man.  Either way, I am so stripping off down to my boxers to answer the door, preferably with an erection.

I really can’t blame them… okay, yeah I can.  I enjoy your dedication, but trying to shove god down my throat with your overzealous apocalypse prophesies and terrible late 80s school brochure artwork really makes me angry.

Repent crazy white lady... do it.

Really, I just noticed, there’s a fucking cat that’s floating.  CATS WILL BE ABLE TO REVERSE GRAVITY IN THE APOCALYPSE, FUCKERS!  The greatest crime ever: cats hiding they could fly.  What I learned from a Jehovah’s Witness, pamphlet…  The whole logic of this image is beyond me.  There’s no perspective, bodies being blown all over the place but no body parts and not a scratch on anyone… oh wait, one guy in the upper right corner is shirtless (pedophile).  Plus, you have the black man drowning which seems much worse than the other people, but somehow the drowning waters only turns into an ankle wetter by the time it gets to the white lady saving a child.  And, are we looking up at airplanes crashing or is that just down the block?  Damn, I’m confused… I think I need to accept god into my life and hate on gays to understand this.

Fuck that.

Eat 'em up!

Alright, I have to admit, there is a bit of a dirty pleasure in receiving these pamphlets…  They are just so out of control and improbable that they can only make you chuckle a bit.  I mean, fucking harlots riding beasts that are like griffin tiger impalas?  Classic.  Plus, what are those harlots doing?  Oh yeah, killing impure women and gays!  Because the Jehovah’s Witnesses are so male dominated that they need a scary beast (aka their dicks) to right the wrongs.  And, isn’t it just kinda weird that the harlot totally is totally getting off on that beast?  Do Jehovah’s Witnesses approve of bestiality?

Yay! More obligatory black people surrounded by a bunch of white people!

Really, have you ever seen a black Jehovah’s Witness?  I think they’re just all searching for their special black friend that makes them feel better about being so racist, sexist, and overall prejudiced.

Some ideas for putting these pamphlets to good use (much better use than they’re being used now, at least):

  • Show them to your children!  Tell them, “don’t you ever fucking become this nuts”
  • Use them as fire-starting paper
  • Reading material while you shit; wiping material if things get desperate
  • Paper Airplanes
  • Paper football
  • Conversation starters on your coffee table
  • Helping the environment by adding them to a landfill
  • Making paper rings
  • Confetti
  • Litterbox/Bird Cage liner

Yep, I think that just about does it.  Now, just think of me working on my hard-on before some well dressed lads come to the door.  Awkward conversations as they try not to look down are the best!

For some wonderful other websites dissecting some of the pamphlets’ images check:

HonestlyAnomalous

Lies Well Disguised – Gawker

Were we being too mean (of course not!)?  How about hilarious (most definitely)?  Do you feel like you’re losing your virginity for the thirtienth time (I know I am)?  Well then, preoccupy yourself with the 1000 Things We Hate Master List.  Well worth your time and money in condoms!


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14 responses

10 04 2010
Sydney

I have to say that the Jehovah’s Witnesses in Bend that like to steal one of the best shade trees in Drake Park (at least in my opinion) really create a good juxtaposition when they sit there trying to hand out flyers during munch and music every summer. Of course, they don’t actually go down to where the event is taking place, oh no, they sit up the hill and try and get you on your way back to your car, downtown Bend, or your job. Oh, those old ladies have offered me pamphlets more times than I can count.

10 04 2010
Beverly Gayle

I’ve seen the harlot pamphlet on a table at my community college

1 05 2010
Dave

Do you really believe the things you’re saying? If you had ever been to a meeting or convention and listened, you would know that there is more to their religeon than the drawings in the pamplets and there are hundreds of thousands of Jehovah’s Witness’s who are of African decent. I have known and served with many. I have known only few as close friends. Phil Hicks, Herb Moore, Catherine Dees, Steve Fairelly are a few. They all have family’s of color who are witnesses. George Benson and Teresa Graves were famous entertainers. Teresa left a very successful Career in Hollywood in order to devote herself fulltime to the door to door ministry that serves to inform people about the things to come. George Benson is one of the greatest Jazz guitarists of our time. With his access to famous people, He has been able to share Bible truths to many that are closed off to churches and the Door to Door Witness work. You can criticize the artwork which is designed to help people of all ages understand that something more devestating than the worst war ever is coming. You may not believe it, but millions of people who give of their own time, every day, without receiving anything in return but the knowlage that they might help save a life, are trying to help you to know why you should believe. If you just look at the pictures and never find out for yourself what the point of the art is. You will never know just how misinformed you really are or what exactly God has in store for those who are loyal to Him and his Son, Jesus Christ.

6 01 2011
Katrina Jones

Yeah well i think your wasting your time. At least stick to a religion that is right. 3 things i hate about jehovah’s witnesses, 1 you don’t believe in the trinity, 2 whats wrong with celebrating holidays, and 3 your pamphlets are retarded and false.

19 01 2011
Audrey

Which holiday? The myth about Jesus birthday or the fertility of Greek goddess?

23 03 2011
chester

i agree with dave

1 05 2010
Lianna

I wonder what God has in store for cult followers?

19 01 2011
Audrey

Matt 24:14

19 01 2011
Audrey

John 7:16

19 03 2011
1000 Things We Hate #150: Megan Fox « MechanisticMoth

[…] the course of 1000 Things We Hate, we enjoy celebrating anniversary posts like #50 about Jehovah’s Witness Pamphlets or #100 about Emoticons.  In the same vein as today, we’ve also trashed on another terrible […]

25 06 2011
mason

Id really like to get my hands on these pamphlets!!! To be used in an art project. If anyone could point me in the righ direction?

Thanks,

Mase

25 06 2011
MechanisticMoth

Hey Mason! I did some research and I found that you could get a hold of some older pamphlets off of eBay. You may have to do a little bit more on your own in order to get modern ones, but I hope that helps.

10 07 2011
Airyn

This made me laugh right out loud! This so makes me want to answer the door with an erection now – unfortunately my vagina prevents that 😦

20 01 2013
My Heathen Heart

Giggle-worthy post! lol

Best thing to do is put a big, red painted kick-ass sign on your front door or gate (whichever is in the most obvious position) saying, “Jehovah’s Witnesses are forbidden to enter this property on pain of Satanic attack!”

Any mention of satan worship will have them putting a big red ‘X’ on those annoying little neighbourhood maps they carry around that has your house number on it…and they’ll never bother you again. Works like a charm.

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