1000 Things We Hate #52: Being Itchy

4 05 2010

FuhhhhhhhckkkK! mtoeerherfuckerrrwer go the fuck away! ShiiiititttTttt!

Alright.  Since it’s allergy season in the spring time, I figured this one would be appropriate.

You know what sucks!?  When it’s hot, you’re in the basement computer lab of the library, you’re sweating writing your 80 billion page essay, and, on top of all this uncomfortable mess, you feel a little, familiar, unwanted tingle.  “What the fuck!” you mumble.  Then, taking your semi-trimmed nails you go at that bugger.  Let me give you an idea of what, if under a microscope, this would look like:

The shiny nails with their little ridges come down towards the pocked skin with hairs erupting out of it.  The nails violently move back and forth like a giant back ho across the skin flinging chunks of dead, red and white flakes into the air.  The flakes spring outwards and off of your hand falling to the ground at max velocity.  Your skin reddens with this pronounced removal of the dead skin.  Unfortunately, it also undergoes a fun process in which small amounts of liquid exits from the areas around your hair in the canyon of the lines on your body.  This may be blood or ooze.  Nevertheless, it is unwanted.

You go at it... man.

The problem with being itchy is that it doesn’t seem to stop until you have either found your arm violently chopped off or have somehow managed to ignore that flaming sensation.

How can you get any work done when something on your body just screams “YOU MOTHERCUNTFUCKER SHIT SHIT SHIT TOUCH ME AS VIOLENTLY AND BRISKLY AS POSSIBLE YOU LITTLE COCKWHORE!”

Yeah, just like that.

Woopsies... dammit, it's been statused already.

Occasionally, this issue can be a one time go.  Like seen above in which the conversation went “good god, my ass is itchy!  Yeah, I’m totally telling my friend that my ass is itchy!  I hope no one sees me… that would suck… oh god, that feels good.  Okay, all done.  I hope the church doesn’t mind.”

What’s even more infuriating?  People who fake being itchy, for example:

I can vouch for him and say he was definitely not itchy.

Oh man, this is by far the best advertisement for jock strap itch ever.  Like, if I was jock strap itch, I would totally go for that motherfucker and get all up in his junk.

I’m sure he’d appreciate me a lot.

Now, lucky for me, I happen to not really have any allergies.  Sure, if I’m rolling around in crabgrass and get little pricks here and there, I’m going to get a little blotchy redness going.  I happen to only be allergic to one thing (that I know of)… horse fur/hair/whatever.


I’ve never really cared too much for horses, but then I was petting one of my great Aunt’s horses and afterward got this red weird patterns on my arms.  I showed them to my mom and she said something like “those are hives, dear” but much meaner like I wasn’t a perfect human specimen anymore.

It was a defining moment of last year.



2 responses

9 05 2010

“Oh, dear I hope you dont have hives.” Yep, that sounds like me.

Your Mom

7 02 2011
1000 Things We Hate #136: Itchy Kayak Knees « MechanisticMoth

[…] nothing major – just one of those little hates that you have floating around.  Itchiness seems to be a common problem with people, in general.  So, it’s always good to […]

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