1000 Things We Hate #53: The Beard Itch

4 05 2010

He just makes beard itching attractive...

Sure, I just posted about being itchy as a thing I hate, but there’s a subcategory that is all too familiar: the beard itch.  Here is it’s common definition:

beard itch [beerd ich] n. – the irritation of the skin on the face where a beard (or an attempt at a beard) is growing.

AKA – the most annoying yet slightly enjoyable thing that may happen in an average day in which you haven’t shaved for a week.

Now, this ….. sorry, I got distracted… his eye in the picture above looks like it’s a glass eye… yeah…

Now, this occurrence only happens to some men (and women), and it is unlike razor burn.  I was discussing this with my friend Taylor a week or so ago, and he said that his face is actually itchier after he shaves probably because of razor burn and I was like, “really?  Mine totally is more itchy after a week of growing.”

Secretly, I believe that the itch is a projection of our [being men and occasionally women and other] unbridled desire to touch our face and check up on the growth that has happened within the last hour.

It even happens to (is but not is) anti-semetic celebrities!

To my knowledge, nothing can fully solve this situation.  I know, from personal experience, that the best way for me to get past this event is to take my whole hand and briskly rub it across one of my cheeks for about two seconds.

I’m going to go under the idea that this may be man’s equivalent to a bear scratching its back with a tree… except we have hands to use… um, it doesn’t work as well when you think hard about that.

It would be disasterous to both scratch and/or have an itch with this wonderful masterpiece

The most likely time to see college students (of course, you have to be by a campus) vigorously touch their faces is about January 20th – March 3rd.  That’s just a rough estimate, but I would bet $5 that you would see at least three people do it on a campus of 2,000 ish (like mine) within an hour.

Obviously, this strange desire/need/annoyance has been around since the 70s, at least:

"Oh shit! I've been caught again... fuck."

Also, I figured I’d just throw in an example of women having to itch their beards:

Um, I think I want to marry you.

It’s making me reminisce about my Marx beard in high school.

So, the verdict on The Beard Itch?

It sucks on those days in which you’re compelled to run your face along a bed of nails about thirty times in five hours, but it strangely is okay when you’re by yourself… it’s almost masturbatory.

All those times that it’s not… I hate you, motherfuckers.


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