1000 Things We Hate #61: Slow Walkers

1 07 2010


It’s not that hard to keep pace people. Don’t you hate it when you’re stuck behind a group of people who are crawling like slugs, taking up the entire sidewalk? And you can’t walk around to brush off your quiet anger because million-hour traffic is zooming past you on the right and there’s only a concrete building on your left or a guardrail blocking you from plummeting a thousand feet down into freezing cold waters. And all you can do is walk behind them huffing and groaning loudly, hoping that they hear it for a brief second over their monstrous laughing and loud chewing of cud like a herd of fucking cows.

They all tend to look like this.

But they don’t. So you start stomping your feet behind them, getting more and more furious with every second, all the while preparing yourself for a feast of brains as you crush their heads into the sidewalks edge, throwing them into the streets to watch them burst open like melons (in the likes of The Toxic Avenger). Or is that just me?

That is all.

But seriously people. It’s one thing to be of a bit of a slower pace. Not that big of a deal, I can just walk around you. But when your brains aren’t keeping up with sending the correct signals to your nerve cells all the way down to the muscles that shift in order to create movement, you know that something is wrong (that’s why they talk so slowly too).

This is how it works, fools.

Okay, okay, so I know that I walk faster than a normal human does. But that’s only to tune all sound but Radiohead so that I may weave through crowds avoiding all human interaction.

Thom Yorke and his single rogue eye understand my anguish.

And that probably sounds strange, but when the human race gets on your nerve that much you just try to steer clear of it and wish you were born a turtle or something (but not one in the Gulf).

Just swimmin'. Whatever. Not givin' a fuck.

So, my message to you slow walkers of the world: KEEP UP! Don’t just drag your ass across the pavement like a fucking dog with cheatgrass in its asshole.

Actually... I'm okay with this. But not the shorts. Never the shorts.



2 responses

2 07 2010

hahahaha, I love that turtle photo. It’s amazing.

I concur. Slow walkers and RVs totally suck.

15 07 2010

so, the worst aspect of slow walkers is when they go on the stupid moving walkways at airports. My least favorite are the two asian kids (by kid I mean late teens to early twenties) that literally stood there in front of me, taking up the entire walkway switching between standing and walking at an exceptionally slow speed. Oh and they looked at me several times, and didnt move. Those stupid walkways are meant to go FASTER. You wanna walk slow, fucking get off the ramp. Assholes.

airports themselves are freaking annoying, which at least in part explains the obnoxious people within. BAH!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: