1000 Things We Hate #62: Crocs

6 07 2010

I present to you one of the most disgusting pieces of foot wear known to man:

The Combinations are Astounding

In one of the earliest 1000 Things We Hate, I ranted about pictures of feet.  Well, whenever someone is wearing Crocs, I look down and the image is scarred into my brain like a hacksaw against tin.

There’s something about these goddamn things that is universally revolting yet magnetizing.  I feel like I’m drawn towards the feet of the person wearing them.  However, I fight this urge by stomping on them, looking the person square in the eye, KISSING THEM, HEADBUTTING THEM, and then making amends by throwing them into an incinerator together [the “them” refers to both the person and the Crocs because the only way to make amends for the blemish on society the person has created is for them to jump into the incinerator as well].

I would take a shit on that flower

Crocs started out as a thing for children.  That’s understandable because Kids can be excused of most atrocities (except wiping shit on things like a feral albatross) up until about the age of 10.5.  I see the appeal for little kids to have something during the summer time that protects their feet as they jump through the sprinklers at the park with hypodermic needles strung about.  However, what does that water in the Croc get once it evaporates into the footskin? Sweat.  And, by far, THE FOULEST SWEAT EVER IMAGINED.  If God farted, this is what it would smell like.

Crocs are an environmental hazard for this very reason.  Nuclear waste has nothing compared to children Croc footsweat.  In fact, I’d rather SOAK IN NUCLEAR WASTE (hoping for super powers) than sit next to a person wearing Crocs in the summertime.

Mangy dog smell, here we come

Worse yet, the Croc line has decided to diversify as if the originals weren’t enough.  Slipper Crocs, seriously?  You mean, you would still stomp around in snow with FUCKING HOLES IN YOUR SHOES?  Now, you can get your goddamn furry Crocs accessorized with the GODDAMN AMERICAN FLAG.

America just shook her head in sorrow

I’ll admit to a crime; a crime of passion; a crime of hate; a crime of bitter love: once, back when I lived in the dorms, I saw a pair of Crocs in the shower area, and I peed on the fuckers.

Crocs, ruining the nation one sole at a time.


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27 12 2011
UPDATES! Yay! « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] GLOVES DOLPHINS OIL SPILLS CROCS PAULA DEEN TOXIC SHOCK SYNDROME WET […]

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