1000 Things We Hate #64: Crosswalk Jerks

7 07 2010

Within the last month, I have been almost hit at the busiest crosswalk by my house about 5 times.  Me, the little ol’ pedestrian, just trying to get to work on foot is bombarded with jerks in cars trying to take me out.  Honestly, for some people, if they could get away with it and it would get them to work faster, they would probably go Grand Theft Auto on my ass and mow me down.

The jerk be creepin'

There are four types of drivers at crosswalks, they are:

The Patient – The kindly person who provides plenty of space for the pedestrian and maybe even an extra cushion of a foot or two.  People are more likely to be patient when there are babies involved, and that’s why I carry a baby backpack with some human skin stuffed with trash bags with me at all times.

The Creeper – This is the person who begins as a The Patient but slowly creeps up nearer to the sidewalk as they grow more and more impatient with the light turning green.  These people typically never cross the lines of the crosswalk, but they are the likeliest to get a jump start on the light at full speed.  To combat these, wear pants made of duct tape (sticky side out).

The Jerkiest – This driver is the scariest.  They are the ones that slam on their brakes when the light turns red and you are already beginning to cross.  This situation forces you to do a jump step praying that they do not hit you into traffic.  They provide you with only about a foot or less left of the sidewalk.  To counter these people, turn and stare menacingly at them before they brake.  This will cause them to brake sooner and think that you’re a vampire that can walk at any part of the day.

The Wildcard – This is the rarest case of crosswalk jerks.  While the others normally refer to traffic having to stop at a red, this is the one that is taking a left turn.  Typically, they do not realize that there is a REAL LIFE HUMAN crossing the street because they are talking on their cell phones and see that there is an opening to make a left turn.  There is no way to combat the wildcard despite crossing your fingers and tinkling a little.

The Creeper in action

Let me relay to you two of my more recent incidents of almost getting hit:

1.) I was heading back to work because I walk home for my hour long lunch so I can feed Sabretooth.  I was waitin to cross the street, and my light turned to the little white walking guy that is all so welcoming.  As I took a step forward, a The Creeper appeared out of nowhere (like they normally do).  He slammed on his breaks.  I stopped crossing the street.  I felt like it was safe to make another go at crossing.  He inched forward again, I stopped.  It was like a ballet.  Finally, he ended up throwing his hands up in the air and slamming them on his steering wheel while yelling curse words at me.  Realizing that The Creeper and effectively turned into a The Jerkiest, I stared MENACINGLY at him straight in the eyes.  I rotated and continued walking.  I hope it was the worst moment of his day.

2.) I was crossing the street (keep in mind, same intersection) to go over to the pharmacy for my pillz, and, out of nowhere, a The Wildcard appeared.  In a yellow, small truck, The Wildcard swept in front of me within a foot at about 15 mph.  I did not tinkle, but it did scare me quite a lot.

So, beware of the Jerks at sidewalk crossings because this may happen to you:

The endgame plan of The Jerks


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