1000 Things We Hate #65: Dentist Tools

7 07 2010

I have been fearful.  Fearful by the wrath of an unknown other.  An other that has been described as caring while also being a malevolent sadist.  The other: the dentist and their tools.

This is far from your last time

So, this post is stemming from me, after a year of putting it off, finally scheduling a dentist appointment.  Now, I respect dentists and the unfortunate necessity of getting my teeth cleaned here and there.  They’re just doing a job (that they get paid a fair amount of money for), but I can’t help but be a little squemish towards the tools they use to accomplish that job.

Torture Devices

If I was catholic, I would probably strike sitting in the dentist chair to being equal to the confessional.  I mean, really, you confess to your bad hygiene, say “well, I know I really should floss more, but yeah,” and get punished for it.  The punishment: your gums bleeding like a german shepherd in heat that has also been stabbed in the eyes.

Digging and prying and scraping: so is the life

You sit down, get a bright fucking light shined into your face and have to wear hideous, plastic sunglasses from the 90s.  Then, the dentist shoves a mirror that hustles into your gag reflex.  I mean, it literally does THE HUSTLE right into your throat.  It’s like a bad porn dream where you’re the victim.

After this, the dreaded pick is unveiled.  This masterpiece is the one that scrapes all of the plaque off of your teeth.  The screech of it echoes all the way TO BRAZIL.  Your natural impulse is to shut your mouth closed, spit blood into the dentist’s face, and challenge him to a duel.  It’s just the progression of life.

You will never look this good while being raped in the mouth

The one part that I kind of like is when they fill your mouth with foam and you hold a tube that sucks it out because it feels like you can suck all the air out of my lungs and that’s kinda neat.  I use “you” on purpose because I would much rather watch “you” have this happen to you than actually experience it myself.

Overall, I blame the tools of the profession for being my nails on the chalkboard.  It’s awful.  I hate it.


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12 08 2010
1000 Things We Hate #96: Lipstick on Teeth « MechanisticMoth

[…] not enjoy IMAGINING YOUR TEETH BLEEDING PROFUSELY.  It’s an icky thought.  I already have problems enough with the dentist. She knows […]

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