1000 Things We Hate #85: Rape Thoughts

27 07 2010

I hate it when I’m out late and women assume I plan to rape them.

Not Rapist?

Usually it’s nothing more than a girl taking one too many looks over her shoulder, making sure I haven’t moved into a position more conducive to raping.  But if things develop to the point where the girl is visibly uncomfortable or scared, I usually end up race-walking in front of her to ensure her that I have no real intention of raping her.

The only problem is, by that time, the woman’s paranoia has usually infected me, and I start to assume that this is all just part of her plan to rape ME.

But then I start to consider how female on male rape would even go down, like the non-rapist quasi perv that I am.

So, it’s right about HERE that I get lost in my mildly pervy fantasies, my pace slows, and I end up right back behind the girl.  The cycle repeats until I either arrive at my destination or the awkward silence forces me to take a random side street, inevitably leading straight to the heart of the scary (non-white) part of town.

I understand that rape is a serious issue for college-aged women, but I promise, I really don’t want to rape you.  While I’m sure you find yourself quite rapeable, and some men might have a lovely time testing the theory, I just don’t have the energy for that sort of thing.

Plus, I saw an episode of Oprah where this girl peed on her attacker as part of her struggle to fight him off.

You don’t come back from that.

Also, guys who watch Oprah probably make pretty poor rapists.

(Unless they watch Oprah to learn how to dodge the classic pee defense.)

I gotta admit: at 6 foot somethin’, 200 and somethin’, I’d probably be okay at the rape game if I spent time developing my skill set.

However, this usually happens when I?m out for a late night run.  And despite the rumors that it’s all silky boxers and exercise thongs in Goochville (everyone’s favorite suburb of Mattland, USA), I’ve got a notoriously bad underwear drawer.  Stuff is constantly riding up, sliding down, rotating 180°.

Sure, I’m an intimidating figure during the pre-jog, Tech N9ne-infused psyche up strut, but just wait for my Champion brand boxer briefs, shin splints, and Rihanna playlist to kick in.  The thought of me waddling toward you with rape in my eyes won’t be quite so daunting.

Not the music of rapists

Plus, rape isn’t just for girls anymore.  A campus policeman told me so.  Apparently after your average frat boy downs a Natty Ice or twelve, even burly manchildren like yours truly look ripe for the roofying.  By chasing me away with your glares, you’re wasting perfectly good anti-rape resources.  Just foolish.

Also, much of the time, the girls I’m coincidentally stalking aren’t even my type.  While I’m not a rapist, I’d like to think if I were, I’d be a rapist chock full of standards and principles.

And as you might have assumed during the Oprah rant, I’m a pretty empathetic dude.

If I ever did manage to accidentally rape a girl, I’d probably just feel so bad that I’d offer to cuddle with her until the cops showed up.

Merely taking a break... and not watching you

So ladies, if you feel like that guy walking behind you is ogling your naughty bits, chances are he is.  And if he’s been ogling your naughty bits for so long that your rapey sense is tingling, feel free to run away in a zig zag pattern or climb a tree.

But if that man is a large bearded fellow, respectfully ogling you from the corner of his eye, taking plenty of ogling breaks ‘cuz he respects woman, just know that this rapist look-a-like is here to protect you by deceiving other would-be rapists.

(Rapists have a very strong sense of community and never interfere with a fellow rapist’s mark.)

(or so I’ve heard)

1000 Things We Hate #85: Rape Thoughts is a submission from the Guest Post Contest written by Matt Weber.
The views expressed by the writers of the Guest Post Contest may or may not reflect the opinions of the managers of MechanisticMoth.
It goes without saying that we obviously hate rapists and understand the need for women (and all people, really) to be aware of the threat of rape.  Overall, it’s a giant shame that anyone has to worry about this anyway.  Nevertheless, as Matt puts it, it kinda sucks to be typecast when you’re innocent just by looks, but that’s how we operate and is our safety-sense.

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