1000 Things We Hate #87: Hummer Limousines

28 07 2010

Is this entirely necessary? Really? I mean, you might as well just wave your cock out your goddamn window. I’m sure it’s very small. That’s probably why you make up for it by spending exorbitant amounts of money on something as useless as a ride in a hummer limo so that when you pick up your lady she won’t be as angry with you when she reaches in your pants to play with your manhood only to discover you haven’t got much of one.

You'll need one of these.

Let’s look at the facts behind the Hummer Limousine, shall we? An 18 passenger Hummer Limousine gets EIGHT miles to the gallon. A regular limousine gets about 13 (if you’re lucky), which is not much better. But 8 MPG is simply inexcusable. They actually have to pay a gas guzzlers tax to the government to make up for all the pollution that they’ll emit over a lifetime. However, I think that a mere tax is not enough for this grotesque expendable novelty.

I didn't think wooden floors were necessary in a fucking car!

Let’s face it, the only reason you paid so much for something so ridiculous is to prove how awesome and powerful you are and that you’re oozing with manliness and money. However, the only thing it really proves is that you are, in fact, just another fucking asshole. Nothing shows more powerfully the chauvinistic, consumerist nature of your intent. You’re not only deceiving the world with the size of your dick, but also yourself. You’re not that macho of a guy. Sorry.

He probably drives a Hummer Limousine.

It’s the classic case of lying to yourself so much that you actually begin to believe it. It’s nearly a prat of our nature, is it not? We hate to admit that we’re wrong. I think you can take accurate examples from our government, “We’re POSITIVE that there are weapons of mass destruction.”

Looks like we dun screwed up.

or in the mass media, “We here at FOX News see Shirley Sherrod as a filthy racist and a destructional force in our government that is clearly in the government’s plot against the good white people of America.” (Alright, that last one wasn’t a direct quote at all, but it might as well have been.)

You're right, she does look like a potential racial terrorist.

But the facts all come to the same conclusion that retards like you don’t look at the wider spectrum of facts in order to make good, honest decisions in life. And when all evidence points against your decision, your lie becomes your truth. Emphasis on YOUR.

I think that the issue is that you’re swimming in your imaginary ego. You want to think you’re all that, but in all reality you’re in dire need of attention, to prove yourself to the world that you’re somebody “look, I’m being carted around in this Hummer Limousine, I must be a total badass.” Nothing could be further from the truth.

Let’s not confuse ourselves though, I’m not trying to discriminate and put all the blame upon the males in this issue. I clearly need to point out the role of the female. And any female who buys into this ploy or finds this confusing attempt as “impressive” are inexorably foolish. And I for one refuse to associate myself to this unforgivable sect of females. They give us a bad name. Though, I myself am indeed part man (I like to think).

She'd probably fuck you in your Hummer Limousine. I mean, I hear she brushes her teeth with Jack Daniels. She'd probably fuck just about anything if you got her drunk enough.

There are plenty of other ways to impress your ladies. Get creative. We like that.


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8 04 2012
1000 Things We Hate #237: Fancy Teeth « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] Even more excess can be found at HUMMER LIMOUSINES. […]

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