1000 Things We Hate #93: Pictures of Paula Deen

10 08 2010

There are two common types of irrational thought in the world: fear and hate. Just as one can be paralyzed with fear by a large butterfly swooping in to beat its wings viciously at his or her face, one can instantly be filled with hate when he or she sees something, like, oh I don’t know, THIS.

And I has some ‘splaining to do. First off, I don’t know a whole lot about Paula Deen. Wait, that’s a lie. Allow me to rephrase: Until moments ago, when I carefully skimmed the Wiki article on Paula Deen, I didn’t know a whole lot about Paula Deen. However now, being an erudite expert in the field, I can tell you that I have no reason to question her character or her cooking. As a person struggling with panic attacks, I should really admire her story of overcoming severe agoraphobia to eventually host three of her own television shows. As for her Southern cooking, what’s to dislike? Was I not the 16 year-old who asked for nothing but a Fry Daddy for Christmas? Yet still there is something that sparks an angry flame in my soul at the mere mention of her name, and that is THIS.

and THIS

and THIS

I can see the depths of the cold, dark sea in her frigid, blue eyes

It will help to explain to you that I’m quite passive; I try to avoid a confrontation at all costs. Therefore, I usually apologize for things over which I have no control and which I can’t be to blame – but it’s not out of altruism, it’s just out of my extreme aversion to conflict. Along that same line, I tend to avoid saying anything inflammatory. So posting this hate blog is difficult. Just realize, I’m not hating on the person who is Paula Deen, Just the pictures of the person who is Paula Deen.

GOD.

Run while you can, Mr. Scruffles

I mean, I can’t be the only person picturing her as a perfect Disney villain.

Have some lovely tomatoes, my pretty

Yeah, I’ve got issues with anxiety. Now, it wouldn’t be fair to blame them solely on the cover of Cooking with Paula Deen, but after a stressful day, when my mood has finally begun to lift, when Alberston’s has played a classic such as “Spice up your life,” nothing can cast me back into that dark shroud of doubt and fear as quickly as something like THIS.

Not an actual magazine cover, but equally as frightening

And that is why, if we ever shop together and the color drains from my face, you will know. Thanks, Paula Deen’s Picture, you’ve successfully instilled within me an irrational hate and fear + ruined my weekly shopping trip. Damn it.

1000 Things We Hate #93: Pictures of Paula Deen is a submission from the Guest Post Contest written by Beverly Gayle. You can check out her co-blog at Little House on Miami.
The views expressed by the writers of the Guest Post Contest may or may not reflect the opinions of the managers of MechanisticMoth.

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5 responses

13 08 2010
Beverly Gayle

Sea was misspelled in the caption of the 4th image. Also, did you purposefully cut the paragraph in which I detailed my deepest love for Albertson’s? I won’t be hurt. I just. I just need to know.

Also, I saw on your twitter (just up the page) that you have/had a date. Cheers!

18 08 2010
MechanisticMoth

I do not recall any such loving of Albertson’s. You can write it up and I’ll add it in, though.

21 08 2010
Beverly Gayle

You might say, “just stop looking at her.” Well, damn it, I wish I could. However, her magazine and it’s horrifying cover have infiltrated my most sacred weekly ritual. Once, grocery shopping was my escape. I’d skip giddily into Albertson’s with a shine in my eye and a twenty in my pocket. The 90’s music playing softly over the sound system, the cart of discounted, day-old donuts, the occasional 5 for $5 deal on Quaker brand cereals – all priceless gems. Yet that fateful day, as I waited patiently in my usual check out line, changed everything. There, on the magazine rack between the Cosmo sex tips and the shocking truths of the National Enquirer was THIS.

(Copied this straight from the email I sent you. Insert after tomato pic)

11 09 2010
Derek Humphrey

This is perfect. It’s almost like this entry was tailor-made to fit my fears/objects of hatred. Butterflies and magazine covers featuring Paula Deen? Really, well done.

27 12 2011
UPDATES! Yay! « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] GLOVES DOLPHINS OIL SPILLS CROCS PAULA DEEN TOXIC SHOCK SYNDROME WET […]

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