1000 Things We Hate #97: North Face Jackets

22 08 2010

I headbutted all their faces out... fuckers

Alright, I recalled my massive hate for North Face jackets last night while slightly intoxicated after crashing a freshmen dance.  So, I feel like it would have been so much more vehement last night had I actually been much better at typing.  Nevertheless, I HATE FUCKING NORTH FACE JACKETS.

I know, I know… I live next to Seattle: the North Face hub of evil.  In fact, I know for a fact, that it’s factual that North Face sits up in their downtown office (I have no idea where this is… but it exists!) plotting how to cover people with half fleece half other material.  They know that I’m out their (along with my fellow patriots), and they taunt me with one attractive girl after another in a North Face jacket knowing that all chances I may have had with that person are out of the window.  Yes, I am that judgmental (in case you couldn’t already figure it out).

Now, a lot of 1000 Things We Hate are about fashion.  This wouldn’t be the case if people didn’t look so FUCKING STUPID all of the time.

Case in point: The North Face jackets are some of the dullest articles ever to be created for 55 and under weather.  They ruin all possibilities of creative layering, and they make everyone look like schizophrenic ants.

Wipe that smile offfffff

Now, I cannot argue that these jackets aren’t practical.  They’re warm, comfy, and serve the function you buy them for.  However, there are also much more attractive coats and jackets that serve the same function.  Hell, even snowboarding jackets captivate more interest than these blobs.

They’re practical but in the same way that rubbing mud on himself made Schwarzenegger invisible to Predator.  Sure it works, and you defeat the thing in the end, but do you look good doing it?  HELL FUCKING NO.

This is where she stores her babies

On one hand, I have to applaud pop culture phenoms like Angelina proving that, yes, even celebrities look like fucking disasters in North Face jackets.  It’s just a giant no no.  Like a no-fucking-no-stop-it-now-dammit.

There’s nothing adorable with these like a simple pea coat or something.

80s/90s throwbacks? Dumbasses

Even better is that North Face recognizes that they’re coats are ridiculous in their predictability and staleness…… by making them ridiculous in their poor color choices reminiscent of those decades past that we may like to just forget about.  Next thing to be added to North Face jackets to make them cooler (ha pun!): SHOULDER PADS.

I believe it goes to be shown that I prefer for people to look damn good while having some practicality to their clothing… rather than just sticking to the practicality side of things.

North Face is like clothing throw up.



4 responses

22 08 2010
Donnie Thornberry

I disagree on your point, I would make a masculine comment about your fashion worries being even more overtly feminine than your usual fare; however, I myself do spare a moment or two on my exterior articles, depending on the venue I am visiting.
I disagree because as you said it, the practicality is based on cold weather endurance. I think this same practicality extends beyond fashion, and I’ll tell you why.
If you happen to live in most of the northern continental US (hey look, Seattle!), seasonal weather dictates that there is a cyclical rate of interactions that take place outside. As the weather gets cooler/wetter, the majority of people take their activities and events indoors. The point of fashion being, that it is completely irrelevant if no one is there to see it, much like talking to yourself. I find that the north face jackets provide the opportunity for comfortable TRANSPORT of your otherwise nicely robed sack of flesh (no innuendo intended) to these indoor events, where you then TAKE OFF the jackets in a heated environment, and show off your true style.
Of course, if you tend to stick to the fashion staple “I am a douche who wears both my sunglasses and cold weather jacket on indoors because I look cool” or, to shorten “I am a douche”, then yes, the North Face practicality does not apply to you, and you should go jump off a bridge.

23 08 2010

Thank you!! I hate North Face too


25 08 2010
Donnie Thornberry

Clearly you were top of your class. I take more time peeing than you did with that post.

5 04 2013

Personally, although its not my type of clothing I would consider any American stupid enough to hate something that helps other Americans keep a job and put food on their table a fucking moron. So listen here, moron; Its made in America and not much is. This makes me feel like running to buy a North Face coat. If I get hated by some idiot poser then so much the better.
Come to think of it, you probably hate everything, most of all yourself, so why bother listing it.

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