1000 Things We Hate #117: (Lack Of) Shopping Cart Etiquette

23 11 2010

Pregnancy: The Number One Cause of Assholes at the Grocery Store

Happy Holiday, people.  As a way of giving thanks, I’m going to lay on some hate.

So, this post goes back to one of the very first 1000 Things We Hate way back when with Awkward Hallway Passing.  Basically, this is awkward hallway passing to the extreme… with grocery carts.

Sure, you can tack it up to the narrow aisles, but there’s just something about that really pushy person who always seems to be right on your heels.

There are various different types of grocery cart assholes, but I’m going to elaborate on a few of them:

The Erratic:
This type of grocery cart pusher always seems to have only the destination in mind.  They jump from place to place in all sorts of directions.  This makes them nearly impossible to predict and very hard to avoid.  The best solution to their behavior is charging straight toward them or acting just as erratic as they are.

The Slow-Mo:
This grocery cart user happens to be going at a pace that seems 1.5 x slower than normal.  They seem to be pondering their lives while at the grocery store.  Typically, these are the people in the baking aisles or around the vegetables.  You often will find yourself stuck behind them contemplating ramming them.  Best way of dealing with them?  Turn the other direction and go around.  You will surely get there quicker… Unless there are two Slow-Mos on either side!

The Squeeky Wheel:
Like the Slow-Mo, The Squeeky Wheel can turn down the pace, but, like The Erratic, they can be unpredictable.  The answer?  CELLULAR DEVICES.  The user typically chooses the cart with the squeekiest wheel that reflects their talkative mouths.  They also always seem to be in the checkout lines too distracted to actually do anything.

The Child Bearer:

The Child Bearer in Action

The parent that happens to have their children with them.  Not only do you have to avoid the grocery cart, but you have to watch the children from underneath your feet.  This also happens to be the grocery cart pusher who is constantly telling their child to cut it off.  The worst is when the child VOMITS on your shoes.  That fucking sucks.  The best way to get back at this type is to stare at the children until they quit.

Overall, it’s best just to avoid.  Or to be patient.  But really, WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO BE PATIENT?



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