1000 Things We Hate #119: Old People Touching

27 11 2010

Savages on the Hunt

Now, I’m not going out there and stating “AWRRGH OMG I HATE OLD PEOPLE” because I don’t, and I believe that kind has a lot to still offer the world.  However, what does scare the shit out of me is when, once someone hits 60, nearly all physical boundaries cease to exist.  That, for some goddamn reason, they feel compelled to touch you.

Case in point: when I was in Mexico and at the American Legion chinchillin’ with some old people, they all feel compelled to touch me because I was Sharon and Ed’s Grandson.  Apparently, because I am SO GODDAMN HANDSOME, they felt like they needed to shower me with their approval by touching me.  Now, I have a hard enough problem with anyone who I don’t really know touching me as it is, so why do they have to go and make things even more difficult for me?  Not only that, with how slowly my Grandpa drank his wine, they had plenty of time to sneak attack me with a pat on the shoulder or a caress of the leg.

To make things even worse, I happened to make a dish for a potluck there and because it was enjoyed by so many people, I had a slew of old women coming up to me for the recipe showering me with approval through touching my shoulder or the top of my head.  WHAT THE FUCK?  I did not give you any belief or inclination that my body wished to be touched.  Can’t you tell by the quick movement in the opposite direction that I did not want for that to happen?

I wonder if he'll drop him?

Even worse, when we were at a saloon, I met some of my grandparents friends one of which was Scottish.  When her and her husband were about to leave, she went down the line of people giving each one a kiss on the lips.  I was the last one in line.  When she came around, I jutted my head to the opposite direction to at least only get a kiss on the cheek.  However, with her magical skills of Scottishness, she craned her head around and still somehow managed to KISS ME ON THE LIPS.  I could taste the liquor on her breath.  Instantly, my hand darted for a lime slice so the sour expression on my face could be masked.  Sure, her open friendliness could be attributed to her European descent or her old age, either way, that does not give her the right to kiss me on the lips.  Seriously, What the fucking hell!?

Run Child, Run!

On the other hand, there is something kind of adorable with old people touching children.  Then again, it may just be the giant contrast in age… with, you know, one more than likely dying way sooner than the other.  That type of stuff.


Also, it’s kind of cute when old people touch each other.  Especially old married couples because you can really see the love.

Nevertheless, there should be more of a boundary between old people touching at least me.  I did not invite the touching even with my charming personality and looks, so do not go ahead and do it.  Next time I might bite off your fucking finger.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get the clip of when Sweet Dee’s Grandpa touches her, but here’s the aftermath:




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