1000 Things We Hate #121: The Shame of Bowling

11 12 2010

If only they were to fall down...

Like most 1000 Things We Hate, I have to clarify what I mean in the very beginning.

Bowling is a good, fun activity.  Sure, the majority of us SUCK MAJOR ASS.  Like, to the point that we’re happy when we break 100.  Actually, I am GODDAMN GRATEFUL for when I make anything more than 80.  Sure, I get a strike here or there, but, to be frank, I’m way better at Wii Sports Bowling (average at 180, bitches).

In an idealized world half of us wouldn't have feet

Now, the worst part about bowling – the point I’m trying to get to – is when you knock down somewhere between 3-5 pins or a gutter ball.  THEN, YOU HAVE TO TURN AROUND.  This is the equivalent of facing your worst horror from horrorsville.  1 or 2 pins can be easily laughed off.  6-8 shows that you put some effort in and were rewarded.  9 is pretty damn good. X = AWESOME.

So, you get 4 pins on your first try and a gutter ball on your second.  How will you survive when you turn around!?  Well, really, you’ll survive just fine, but it is in that half a second of turning where your entire life and all of its embarrassments line up and SHOOT YOU IN THE CROTCH.  That moment is so full of shame and thinking “now what?  WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, GOD!? ARE YOU FUCKING SPITING ME, YOU FUCKER!”  Typically, I accompany this with a shameful on-my-knees position with an Elias-in-Platoon moment and throw my hands up in the air.  For greater effect, do this during midnight bowling with all of the black lights.  Maybe someone will have a seizure and divert everyone’s attention.  Well, one can hope.

In an ideal world we would all be wearing dresses showing some leg and getting Triple Xs in our last frame

This moment of turning around can make or break a relationship.  The best way to comfort a 3 point frame mourner is to promptly PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE AND SCREAM “IT’S ONLY BOWLING, SHITFUCKER!”  I’ve heard it works best in other countries.  Nevertheless, this painful turning response is often met with a plentiful amount of shoulder shrugs going “uhh, sorry man, that sucks…” Then, it’s their turn and they score a spare which you promptly pray that they will be struck by telepathic lightning… or something.

Overall, that moment of hesitation and remorse hurts… it stings… it feels like that time when you grabbed something hot out of the oven when you weren’t thinking and got a second degree burn… yeah, that bad.  So, make yourself feel better, eat the disgusting shit that they call nachos and then call your grandma when you get home.  It works every time.



One response

10 03 2012
Writing Challenge #31: Embarrassing Moment « MechanisticMoth

[…] time I was bowling with my family.  You remember those track pants that had the snap buttons along the side so you […]

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