1000 Things We Hate #134: Modern Adaptations of Classic Literature – Part 2

23 01 2011

Yes it does.

Let us be frank for a moment and discuss the subtleties of “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”, the modern adaptation of the novel, Dracula, by Bram Stoker. What the fuck is this load of shit? When I watch it I feel really uncomfortable (sexually) and I almost always have to have a couple forties nestled next to me on the couch so that I can drink away my shaking depression. All of that because I’ve watched this movie.

Winona in her lesser known film...

Quite normally I’ve never been opposed to the works of Francis Ford Coppola. But here, he took an incredible piece of classic literature and took a literal dump all over it, and all over my heart as well.

Don’t misinterpret my hatred. I grew up watching Bela Legosi’s “Dracula” of course, as well as the numerous acts of Christopher Lee. But in all of this I was able to separate myself from the book. Sure, many of those movies did not follow the plot of the story either but they made it their own by separating themselves from the book.


Coppola did not make this decision. Instead he decided to go directly to the source of the title and call his abomination “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”. Here there was no mistaking the origin: BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA. Alright, so you’re expectations are set from the very beginning. This is supposed to be an accurate film interpretation of the novel Dracula by Bram Stoker.

This Book

First thing’s first, never EVER title your film after a work when it doesn’t even follow the storyline. Sure plenty of filmmakers have done it in the past, but they’ve always changed the name, or shortened it. Either way, they didn’t make this films fatal mistake: including the name of the author in the title i.e. “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”.

First of all, what were you thinking when you knew the setting of the film (England) and casted Keanu Reeves? Seriously. He has a hard time acting already, but throwing an accent on him like that?! Come on. That was just mean. I feel bad enough for him, but think about your audience sitting through two hours of up and down, in and out. It’s like losing my virginity all over again, and that was bad enough the first time.

Come on. We're talking about the flaming bus guy here!

And the bad accents are not merely restrained to the acting of Reeves, Winona Ryder is no fucking better. Well, maybe a little better.

Half this dialogue was entirely made up, and most of the shit that happened in the movie certainly NEVER happened in the book. So, thanks for the history lesson dick wad. I understand that you wanted to humanize Dracula. But the purpose of Dracula is to materialize desire. THAT’S WHY HE’S NOT HUMAN IDIOTS. This is not a love story. This is a story about pure sexuality and its repression in society. No one gives a fuck about your stupid love story.

What was up with all the rape? Now, yes the novel is riddled with very sexual scenes and hints, and the possibility of rape or strange sexual encounter is never excluded. But to put it bluntly, no Werewolf fucked the shit out of Lucy in a maze. THAT NEVER HAPPENED. There was no fuzzy dick rubbin’ itself raw all over this girl, such an act was never even implied. Yes, Dracula could turn into a wolf, and a large one at that, yes, but when did he morph into this seven foot tall half-man half-beast to rape somebody? Why?


And what was with the giant half-man half bat scenario?


Or even the orgy? That came from nowhere.


And Mina NEVER loved Dracula! He immortalized desire, but she never loved him. You’re missing the fucking point. And she certainly never made out with him as he was corpsin’ it up in Transylvania.

fuck this.

This film is more than frustrating. It’s a curse to my soul. Why Coppola?! WHY?! How could you do this to me and all of your fans? You have only shamed yourself in this endeavor. This movie sucked. And simply doing research again for this article makes me want to throw myself into oncoming traffic. Good day.



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