1000 Things We Hate #138: Sticky Candy

8 02 2011

Doing the backbend in your pocket!

I eat a lot of candy.  Last night, for instance, I giggled like a maniac as my friend Michaela used her points (she has not been using them at all this semester) to buy me a large amount of candy (roughly 2 Mambas, 3 Skittles, 1 Swedish Fish, 2 Starbursts, etc.).  This was my heaven.

Then I realized I was thankful for something.  I was thankful that it wasn’t a hot July day with my candy in my pocket.  For this would surely make it sticky.  Think about that far-off memory of you getting sticky candy stuck somewhere; in/on your nose, hair, hands, face, toes, butt, and maybe even your penis (I’m pretty sure that happened thanks to a sizable amount of Jolly Ranchers making their way through my pocket ).  It’s a very disappointing experience.  Not only do you have to deal with your sticky situation (hahahaha), but you must also come to the terrifying conclusion that you will no longer have the opportunity to eat that candy.  I mean, shit son, that fucking sucks.

I suppose that the whole experience is fairly traumatic.  Even now consider the feeling of excitedly reaching for that candy only to be met with that disappointing tackiness.  The worst is when it’s your Halloween candy. You worked fucking hard to get that candy – wrestling it out of neighbor’s hands – and now it is gone.  GONE!  Except for the remnants of a pocket that will no longer function at full capacity.


Taking advantage of the stickiness of candy!

Mothers of the free, capitalist world unite!  You must now spend time scrubbing candy off of the clothes of your children while they gingerly play outside destroying more clothes.  Agh! It’s a no-win situation.  The terrors of fulfilling the societal need for the stay-at-home mom!  For shame, candy.  For shame.

Check out our hate about messy chocolate!



4 responses

8 02 2011
1000 Things We Hate #137: Yellow Fingernails « MechanisticMoth

[…] One may think, “hey wait! There’s another exception!”  If you are that person, then you are wrong.  Cheetos is not an exception.  If anything, it just makes me realize that you secretly enjoy poisoning your body (which is me being a hypocrite because I have an immense love for candy). […]

31 10 2011
1000 Things We Hate #195 « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] For more on candy check out these 1000 Things We Hate: Melted Chocolate and Sticky Candy. […]

1 11 2011
A Thing on Halloween Candy « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] like to mention that I love candy.  Hence the reason why I talk about it aplenty on such posts as Sticky Candy, Melted Chocolate, or Candy Corn.  Part of the reason I run so many posts on candy is because it […]

1 11 2011
1000 Things We Hate #196: Indivdually Wrapped Candy « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] you enjoyed this post, we highly recommend similar posts such as Sticky Candy or Melted […]

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