1000 Things We Hate #140: Messy Melted Chocolate

9 02 2011

Girlfriend Material.

I suppose that the last couple of days I’ve had sweets on my mind.  This one goes along with the trend for something that seems to be a relative “no-brainer.”  First off, it is safe to say that I don’t care too much for chocolate.  I eat it and sometimes it’s good, but, given a choice, I will go for the fruity tangy stuff instead.

Nevertheless, delving into the phenomenon of messy melted chocolate may give an insight into my neutral stance on chocolate.  Like many other times in 1000 Things We Hate, let me take you into my past:

Easter.

Chocolate Bunny.

Chocolate Eggs.

In Pockets.

Melted.

Messy.

Dissatisfaction.

Crying (not really (really)).

Opted for the candy ducks instead.

Now doesn’t that just read “typical childhood bad experience!?”  The terrible thing about the situation is that you want the chocolate so bad to remain edible that you put it in the freezer in a desperate gambit to make it solid again.  This line of reasoning makes sense until you’re greeted with a tinfoiled, rock-solid glob looking like an amoeba took a shit on itself.  Seriously life!?  Seriously?

Lessons at an early age.

The sad thing is is that we never learn our lesson.  It will be the summertime and we will still clutch tightly (loosely) onto our chocolate in our pockets and then promptly forget about it… until you remember that it is in your pocket, reach down, and receive a gift from the Dumbass Fairy.  Why!?  Pray tell!  Why!?

There however seems to be a strange plus side to messy chocolate surprises hidden within our society.  What is it?  DIPPING NAKED GIRLS IN CHOCOLATE, OF COURSE!

Score one for the misogynistic team!

Our society sure enjoys dipping girls in a variety of things – preferably naked.  Gold… Whipped Cream… Water… Beer… Barbecue Sauce… Blood… Semen… Happiness…

Chocolate just happens to be following this trend!  I celebrate a society in which girls can be boiled down to their sexual features and then covered in some perverse fantasy object (typically a liquid)!  I mean, really, go us!

So, to some people, messy melted chocolate is a good thing.  To the rest of us and those who enjoy women not just for their ability to be caked with unknown shit, it can be a messy affair.


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5 responses

9 02 2011
1000 Things We Hate #138: Sticky Candy « MechanisticMoth

[…] 1000 Things We Hate #140: Messy Melted Chocolate […]

12 02 2011
HeartlessSoulEater

When you first started 1000 thing we hate I found it very interesting, but now it’s basically devolved into you ranting about whatever it was that annoyed you that day. Plus all this was is you setting up another “I’m awesome because I’m going to arbitrarily judge every man to be an arbitrary judge of women.” If you want to make another feminist article that is more sexist than it is helpful than go ahead but don’t try to disguise it as “Here’s something we can all agree is one of the evils that’s destroying out society.” You left chocolate in your pocket. Get over it.

31 10 2011
1000 Things We Hate #195 « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] more on candy check out these 1000 Things We Hate: Melted Chocolate and Sticky […]

1 11 2011
A Thing on Halloween Candy « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] that I love candy.  Hence the reason why I talk about it aplenty on such posts as Sticky Candy, Melted Chocolate, or Candy Corn.  Part of the reason I run so many posts on candy is because it is an integral part […]

1 11 2011
1000 Things We Hate #196: Indivdually Wrapped Candy « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] If you enjoyed this post, we highly recommend similar posts such as Sticky Candy or Melted Chocolate. […]

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