1000 Things We Hate #142: Rock Crawling

17 02 2011

The Conquistador of Rocks

Ever since the dawn of mankind, humans have been trying to assert their power over nature.  We are on the upper tier of the food chain.  We build things using natural (or, as of the last couple centuries, unnatural) materials for our supposed betterment.  We shoot and eat (or just shoot) animals.  We stick animals in tiny little cages and get them so fat that their legs break.  We conquer mountains.  And then, some of us, drive cars up rocks.

The automobile was one of the greatest achievements in mankind.  It allowed for people to be transported quickly from place to place.  But, as we have discovered, this machine uses the all-too-precious material of oil-turned-gasoline.  There is a limit on how much the earth can provide.  Sure, those dinosaurs and fauna didn’t die for nothin’… but only a limited amount of them died.

So, imagine my disappointment to discover that a friend went out Rock Crawling.  First off, I had no idea what the damn thing was.  It surely had to be explained to me, but, as information came rolling in, it quickly became apparent how stupid of an assertion of mankind this thing could be.  “Well, you see, you take a car, right.”  “Uh huh, yes.” “Then you have the axles all independent so that the tires can move around in all sorts of crazy angles.” “Sure…” “Then you gun the gas and make it up a rocky cliff thing.” “Wow, really?” “Yeah, it’s really cool, but your car usually flips over a lot and it takes a decent amount of time.”

Seriously, what the shit!?  Who prides themselves by going “Hey, babycakes, see that rock right up there?  Yeah, I drove a car up it.”  If I was surely a lady or a gay man or something in between, then this would not get me to unzip my pants and go “oh baby, that’s so hot, fuck me!”

Please, fall over already

This sort of shit seems to be the extreme, real-life version of monster trucks; relegated to exhibitions at County Fairs to raise awareness.  I JUST DON’T SEE THE FUCKING POINT.  Why do you need to waste gas to make it up a hill that would be much better suited to grow a tiny amount of vegetation which your vehicle will surely destroy (along with a fair number of lizards and snakes… LIZARDS AND SNAKES PEOPLE… that’s just animal cruelty).  It is an unwise event where you will undoubtedly obliterate something whether a gasket, femur, or the natural habitation of aforesaid wildlife.

Let’s take a moment and ponder why this may be appealing to some people with a classy video:


Oh yes, it seems that a baseball cap is required to participate.

Here’s a mostly unedited video that shows off how ridiculous this “extreme” sport is:



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