1000 Things We Hate #143: William Henry Harrison

21 02 2011

In honor of President’s day, I will give a loving account of the worst president ever.  He was so bad, he died.

Regal and Scared Shitless

Why hate on a dead man, you may ask.  Well, I have a lot of live men (I’m looking at you Johnny Depp) that I hate as well.  But, frankly, it’s much more fun to hate on dead Presidents on President’s Day.

Let’s take William Henry Harrison into consideration.

First of all, he was an “Injun” killer.  Going around and eradicating a group of people that sort of had dibs on some land that some other sort of people got their hands on and didn’t want to let go.  However, he was not a classy Indian killer like Andrew Jackson.  Andrew Jackson was by far the classiest Indian killer because he had psychic capabilities (obviously!).  Harrison did not.

Second of all, he was a Whig.  AKA the lamest-ass political party to ever exist in America.  They were like the Tea Party of old.

A finely trimmed Peacock

Third of all, he had a weird ass campaign slogan for President.  He’ll knock back some hard cider in a log cabin.  Please!?  That’s just goofy.  This is a guy who studied Classics.  Sure, he stained his blood with Indians, but he was in command, probably all cozy in his tent giving out orders.  He was part of the aristocracy – not some badass with bulging muscles and a dick the size of a gaseous dead whale.  Hell, he looked more like a finely trimmed peacock than some man (I’m thinkin’ frontiersman here) who could chop wood with his hands while knocking back a brew of hard cider.

Fourth, and most importantly, of all, he died of pneumonia only after being in office for a month.  This also ties into another point: he had one of the worst Inaugural addresses in the history of the presidency.  He basically went on and on about how great the Romans were boring his audience for two hours in the freezing snow.  He got some badass points for delivering a terrible speech while not wearing a coat in probably 20º weather, but then, you know, he up and died from it.  Seriously, pneumonia?  Isn’t that just supposed to kill babies?  What a wuss.  Totally screwed with his hard cider Indian-fucking-over image.

Sure, sure, I can understand that I’m not giving him much of a chance.  He was only in office for a month.  So, it’s not like he could really pass any fantastic bills or anything (hey, let’s do that whole ending slavery thing early!).  Really, he was just starting to settle in.  And then he died with a whimper probably whispering “fuck the aristocracy!” to which a reply would state, “but you are it, sir!”  He then went, “oh,” and died like the little bitch-ass he was.

There you have it, one of the worst Presidents in the history of the United States.  And now I feel like some butterscotch.


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