1000 Things We Hate #149: Pregnant Belly Touching

18 03 2011


Here’s something I do not understand… at all.  Why do pregnant bellies always need to be touched?  Isn’t it hard enough just being pregnant but then to have everyone’s hands groping your stomach on top of it!(?)

The thing is: Pregnancy is tough.  You have a living thing growing inside of you, and then suddenly it explodes out after leeching off of your body for 8 and a half months.  Appealing, yes?

So why, after everything, does pregnancy give people the excuse to touch stranger’s bellies?

How surreal...

Now, if I was a woman and I was pregnant – which I’m not because I’m a man… from Bend, OR… wait… I recall a man being pregnant there… – I would not enjoy complete strangers touching me.  What about being pregnant allows strangers to touch strangers?  IS THE PREGNANT BELLY LIKE A FUCKING DOG AT A DOG PARK!?  DO WE NEED A PREGNANT PARK!?  A pregnant park… we could market that.  It’s like parading a pregnant person around like a zoo animal.  “Come take your picture next to this pregnant stomach!”

There’s just some decency in private space.  I suppose no one will ever be able to give me a reasonable answer about women suddenly being allowed to be touched because they have a fetus growing inside them.  Now, I can understand people asking “Is the gender a boy or a girl?”  Which, I being the socially conscious dick that I am, would answer “I’m not sure, it hasn’t decided yet,”  to which startled eyes would follow.  Acting concerned about another’s well being is an alright trait to have.  Pregnancy is a big, life-changing experience, but couldn’t we take some of that concern nature and spread it out between everyone?

If I or someone I know became pregnant (through some strange miracle or Arnold Schwarzenegger movie), I do not think that suddenly gives people a “Please touch me!” pass.  In fact it should give people a “3 months from now I’m going to be in so much pain and wishing this had never happened so don’t make it any worse” sign.

Because they make signs with so many words, really.



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