During the course of 1000 Things We Hate, we enjoy celebrating anniversary posts like #50 about Jehovah’s Witness Pamphlets or #100 about Emoticons. In the same vein as today, we’ve also trashed on another terrible actress/star/thing, Lindsay Lohan. On top of that, we’ve even accidentally plastered Olivia Wilde’s ass onto the site without intentionally meaning to (we still get about 30 views a week with people searching for Olivia Wilde). So, combining those things together has brought us here today to join Megan Fox and 1000 Things We Hate in holy matrimony.
Where shall I begin!?
I suppose we must first come to her looks because, quite frankly, we are a judgmental public and love to scrutinize our stars. So, Megan Fox, I frankly can’t understand why people find you attractive. Sure, you’ve got a slim body and apparently decent boobs along with a decent tan. Nevertheless, what is it about you that seems so appealing to people? Your tattoos are just words/quotes which throw the whole body symmetry thing off. You have the classic “oh my god it’s on that soft tissue between the hip and vag” tattoo that sparkles the male interest but, in actuality, looks like a slutty mistake. Your looks are kind of Angelina Jolie-esque. You have the lips which really look like globby space aliens took a shiny shit on your face. And, your eyebrows are sooo curved and sooo trimmed, and yet, for some reason, they look really long. Overall, you seem like a porn star without actually being a porn star.
Your facial expressions fall into three categories: dead, porn star, and rebel. But, in all actuality, the other two just sort of fold into the dead one. Seriously, mix it up a bit. You use your body to sell things, and apparently the only good thing you can do with it is look doe-eyed and come-hither-and-fuck-me fuckable fucking fucked fuck.
She’s one of those stars that perpetuates the “I’m only famous because I’m hot and you’re not and too bad so let me wank on your grave with a stalk of rhubarb!” The impression that she is sending to people is that you can only be in it for sex. Every one of her roles is based around selling sex. SEX SEX SEX. Sex for fanboys to pop one off while looking at her pasties cover photos on the set of Jennifer’s Body. At least Angelina Jolie has outgrown that and given a few serious performances and became a mother (still, she cannot be forgiven for all of her sins).
So, that brings us around to her acting capabilities… Wait, what? What was that again? Sorry, I forgot what I was saying because I was imagining her face being punched in by a barrel full of coconuts.
She plays just a sex figure in everything. Her voice sounds like a train hit a moose having sex with a chipmunk. So, that may be why she doesn’t talk too much and just looks pretty and probably farts a lot. Because, really, what fanboy wouldn’t want to be blessed by a bottled up Megan Fox fart?
Let’s look at her three main roles of recent times: Jonah Hex, Jennifer’s Body, and Transformers. We shall study them based upon the very first picture I find in a google search of “megan fox [movie title].”
Hmm, let’s imagine what type of role this could be? Oh wait! Any role with Megan Fox has to involve her gaping vagina hole! …which you can almost see the void. You know what the best part of that picture? It looks like that guy in the mirror of the car is about to get his pervert eyes sucked out of his head by her gaping vag hole.
Okay, this was the first image that came up in a google search. Hmm, let’s see, she’s naked. She obviously has a body. Thanks literal movie title! Diablo Cody should weep at this failure yet has probably been exalted by boys everywhere by writing soft core porn with Megan Fox where they squint in the hope to see nipples because, frankly, a boob is not a boob without nipples.
Helen’s face may have been, to Marlowe, the “face that launched a thousand ships,” but Megan’s role in Transformers was the role that launched a thousand globs of sperm in theaters across the world simultaneously. I think that’s an accomplishment, but it’s kind of gross. The role was quintessential in showing that even terrible actors get jobs because they look hot.
And seriously, TERRIBLE ACTORS GET JOBS BECAUSE THEY LOOK HOT. It’s really sad. Not because they have talent, but because they’ve got a great rack. Megan Fox has absolutely no talent other than looking good. She delivers a line like Barney the Dinosaur delivers blow jobs… it’s all bad.
So please, stop looking at her. I feel like, at some point, so much effort will go into looking at her and visually raping her that she may explode. As much as I disagree with sacrificing human life, it may be for the greater good.