Here we are again discussing Pokémon. Before you is a list of mine and Taylor’s most hated Pokémon. Since this revolves around hate, I figured it would make a nice addition to 1000 Things We Hate. In case you’re interested, we recently posted our Top Favorite Pokémon. If you really want to go back, Taylor and I discussed our favorite and most hated Pokémon of Gen V when they first came out (it’s under their Japanese names). You can check that out here. This time we’re going to be counting down to our most hated Pokémon. So, check it out. We tried to make it accessible for everyone. Enjoy!
Harden. Harden. Harden. Harden. Harden.
Catching a Metapod without evolving it from a Caterpee was basically a death sentence if you wanted a Butterfree (A Caterpee could know Tackle which would carry on to Metapod… how a cocoon would tackle is beyond me). There are a whole three levels between Metapod and Butterfree, but I promise you that the training in between those levels is some of the most monotonous, tear-jerking three levels ever. The sad thing is that, even though Butterfree was pretty cool looking (spurred on by Butterfree playing such an important part in the anime), it was fairly useless. So, all of that time putting up with training and watching those Weedle’s tear apart your Squirtle battle after battle without having any potions left and constant trips to the Pokécenter was nearly useless. I don’t hate Metapod specifically, I just hate what it did to me and what it represents.
Alright, even though it’s one of those annoying first normal Pokémon that you spend hours training against so your first gym battle can go with ease, I actually like Rattata. I think it’s kind of cute in its weird purple-y way. However, I do not like it’s evolution Raticate. Why? Because it looks like an actual animal that I would like to call Billy the Exterminator out on. I never liked rats as a child. One of our family friends had a bunch of rats. I could handle snakes and lizards, but a rat was a nightmare because it was uncleanly; I felt like I was on the verge of getting some sort of disease the entire time I held it. Something akin to the Black Plague or Syphilis could come from it – I’m not exactly sure which, but something deadly. Raticate are just frustrating because you feel like your Pokémon is worthless when it loses against one. “Sorry Charmander, you lost against a poor excuse for a Pokémon so you’re on your own, dick.” My words would put out Charmander’s flame… that or me peeing on it. Raticate, you cause me to pee everywhere and not in the fun way like peeing my name in the snow. Thanks.
Munna is deadly cute. It basically looks like an anteater Fabergé egg grew legs with a pink and purple color combo that is reminiscent of cotton candy. However, there is something deadly about Munna: it is the “Dream Eater Pokémon.” Seriously, it eats your dreams. Something so goddamn weird but slightly cute eats your dreams. “Oh, I wonder why I didn’t have any dreams last night” BECAUSE MUNNA ATE THEM, ASSHOLE. Munna and Darkrai would make quite the combination: Munna eats your pleasant dreams and Darkrai comes in and gives you a nightmare. I suppose the main reason I don’t like Munna is because of the way it looks. It is trying so hard to be cute but it FAILS. This is mostly because it looks like living wallpaper. You know, the sort of wallpaper that can be found in a timeshare house on the west coast surrounded by a bed of flowers outside the house. I don’t like it’s two eyelashes. I don’t like the weird psychic jewel on its face that looks like a pink third eye. And I don’t like how it constantly floats asleep. I really just want to take a tennis racket and hit it on a field to see how far I can get it. 100 yards? More like 50, but one can dream…
For a Normal Pokémon, Exploud looks anything but. It is basically a yellow and purple clusterfuck with red, bloodshot eyes. What makes it such a horrendous mess? Well, it has tubes all along its body. Sure, I get it: Explode + Loud = A little noisemaker. But really, it just looks like a pan flute had sex with a tuba and this is their aborted baby. On top of anything, once again Pokémon has done the two tails thing – it’s quite the trend within the Pokémon world. I mean, honestly, why have just one tail when you can have two!? Exploud’s two tails basically look like giant fart blow holes. In fact, I think Exploud is secretly a farting machine. It can fart out of its 7 tubule head, its mouth, its kneecaps, and its tails. I’m sure it is the bro at a frat party that everyone loves because he can do funny things with his body. Pokémon – representing every misunderstood college partier.
I don’t really care for bulldogs all that much. In all honesty, I think they’re rather frightening. I don’t like things with teeth showing all that often. It’s intimidating because I know that, if I get bitten, I’m probably going to well up in my eyes. You would think that a pink bulldog would be less scary, but it is definitely not. Snubbull proves to be astoundingly threatening because it tries to take itself so seriously when it is a clown-like bulldog. Its Pokédex entry also lists it as a “Fairy Pokémon.” How the hell a pink and blue bulldog can be a fairy is beyond me. I remember as a child that this was one of the first Pokémon released before Gen II actually came out, and it scared the shit out of me. I also thought, at the same time, “this iz stupid.” It has stupid ponytail ears and a bib and I really want to use headbutt against it. Or I could just punt it, but I suppose having a scary ass clown-dog biting and stuck on your foot could really make your day a downer.
Does anyone else get the feeling that Ludicolo is just really racist? Because I do. They’re like “hey let’s get some margaritas and have a party and invite people over and I’ll wear my party hat sombrero and shawl poncho and they’ll be like ‘wow’ and I’ll be like ‘yeah’ then I will fill myself full of candy and beer and you can hit me with a baseball hat and everything will be awesome because I’m a Mexican!” Pokémon has this ability to totally add a bunch of variety to their little critters from different cultures and areas (look at Xatu and Sigilyph for good examples of Native American representations), but it sometimes fails – HARD. This is a clear example of Pokémon not knowing what the hell to do with itself. So, it flounders like a mafia guy with cement bricks attached to his legs. Not to mention that Ludicolo barely represents its pre-evolutions of Lotad and Lombre (hombre, get it!?) except in color. I can’t help but to think that the “Ludi” in its name is supposed to stand for “ludicrous” because that’s just what it is. Poorly designed and rather inflammatory.
Let me admit something to you that’s very personal: I have a penis. It’s modestly sized and fleshy in tone. Most of the time it just hangs there and I ignore it. Other times, it gets overly confident, and then I still try to ignore it. What I CANNOT ignore is when a Pokémon looks like a scary ass penis with intense veins. As will be discussed by Taylor later, it has a clown nose; a clown nose that makes it look like a bulging, single muscle clown that has always tried to but has never had an actual date. I hate that it looks like it’s colored like a dead guy, and I hate the pink. Indeed, I hate the entire Timburr/Gurdurr/Conkeldurr evolution chain. I hate how they have some phallic fascination with holding something heavy. I hate that they are a substitute for the Machop evolutionary line. I dislike that line, but at least it isn’t as bad as Gurdurr. They are frankly some of the worst designed Pokémon in the entire history of the franchise. I love it when I whip out Victini and use Psychic. I get the last laugh, bitches.
Purugly is an old maid. She’s the Mammy character in Gone with the Wind minus being black. She has lots of attitude and is deathly fat. And yes, I associate all Purugly as being female even if that is not the case. If it’s a male then I assume he’s a stay-at-home dad that’s had one too many beers and takes away all of his Glameow’s cell phones. Glameow is actually a fairly fun designed pre-evolution for Purugly. It’s like the Prom-Queen. Purugly is what happens to the Prom Queen after getting married at 18 and having three children to three different fathers. I like cats. I like cats a lot. Sure, my childhood cat Bandit is pretty fat, but it’s a fun type of fat. Not a stuck-up bitch type of fat. And strangely, Purugly has godly speed compared to the rest of her stats. How does she do it!? Well, I have a theory. You see, Purugly throws all of her fat forward with a quick movement of the shoulders, and this propels her forward. Every time this happens, I pretend she is going to hit a wall. A HARD wall, preferably made of marble. Sometimes I imagine myself ripping out her crinkly whiskers because I hate them so. This is the cat that is the prize of the cat lady, but, in actuality, should be one of the type of cats that is constantly out on the streets STARVING.
Are mohawks still popular? I suppose so, I saw one guy yesterday with a puke/slurpee remains colored mohawk that was fairly reminiscent of a rotting horse’s mane. Scrafty rocks the mohawk, but in the worst way possible. He looks like he has really given up on life but still tries to remain thug. I thought mohawks were a punk rock thing, but he also sports baggy pants. Clash of cultures, Pokémon – I expected better from you. I suppose he would be descent looking if it wasn’t for that sweatpants/shedding-skin look. He’s dark/fighting. The dark must be the mohawk and the hoodie thing, but the fighting? How the hell can you fight when your pants are sagging down and you have to hold them up? HMMM, Pokémon!? Strangely, he’s high in defense and sp. defense. HOW CAN YOU DEFEND YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE PREOCCUPIED WITH YOUR GODDAMN PANTS? Do you strip them off and reflect ice beam with them, huh? At least his speed is really slow… that makes a lot more sense. Scrafty is the worst type of thug out there, and it’s surprising his species has survived for so long. I purposefully go out to the desert resort to make all of its pre-evolution Scraggy faint. Not to mention that you have to train Scraggy to lvl. 39 to win the war. THE WAR OF IDIOTS.
I like loofahs. No really… I do. I like to put some liquid soap on them, and then I like to scrub my body down with them. I feel like it’s more cleansing than just a bar of soap. I like to brush across my legs and watch it make pretty designs in my hair. It’s quite impressive. However, sometimes I imagine that I’m using a loofah that is actually an Igglybuff and that scares the shit out of me. Seriously, I do not want that thing near my ass crack. There is so much wrong with this Pokémon, but let’s just start with its name. Jigglypuff is a cute name because it makes fun of fatness. Wigglytuff sort of comments on its Elvis (Captain Marvel Jr.) hair curl. But the baby version makes absolutely no sense. “Igglybuff” is supposed to sound cute like the others but all I want to know is how to buff an iggly. Moving on, I have mentioned this before (in passing, to Taylor, or in some other occurrence): Pokémon has a thing with two tails (or more) and swirls. Igglybuff, for some goddamn reason, has a spiral in the middle of its forehead. It suddenly matches this with its death-by-death-through-vampire-sucking-blood-shiny eyes to make an unsettling combination. Igglybuff comes from Pokémon’s attempt to make something cute (Clefairy, Chansey, etc.) even cuter by making it a weird-ass baby. Cleffa succeeded, Pichu succeeded, Happiny was kind of weird but passes, Mime Jr. is just as strange as Mime Sr., and Igglybuff FAILS FOREVER. And now I have to go take a shower and I’ll probably imagine I’m washing my genitals with this stupid thing.
Shaymin (Land Forme)
Basically, I found this to be one of the worst designed Pokémon of Gen IV. I hate that it is another Pokémon centered around flowers. AND, how the hell could it talk in the anime? It’s not even psychic.
The Genie/Jinn Trio
Color swaps anyone? Gen V didn’t release that many rare Pokémon, but the Jinn trio showed that they had run out of ideas. Sure, getting into the mythology of Genies controlling the weather is neat, but not when each of them look nearly the same. All of which looked like they had a bad case of acne as children.
Honestly, this is just stupid. Who would want to send a sunflower out to fight for them?
Abra has a lot going for it. It evolves into 2 incredibly powerful psychic-type Pokemon. It’s a cat (…right?). And my first playthrough of Pokemon Blue, I wanted an Abra more than anything. The problem is that Abra is a bitch to catch and a bitch to train. I remember walking around (route above Cerulean) searching high and low for an Abra, finally finding one and the crushing disappointment of Abra teleporting on me. Was it me, Abra? Is it because I’m not cool enough? Because I’m not pretty enough? I wanted Abra, and I wanted Abra to love me and BAM– rejection. “…No. So much in fact, I’m teleporting out of here right now. Goodbye forever.” In my book, that’s sadism. It’s a cruel trick to play on psychic cat-loving children. Damn you, Abra. I told myself I wouldn’t cry over you any longer.
Back in ’06 or so, I remember looking at the newly introduced fourth generation of Pokemon with my friend Kuzel. We went and talked through the ones we liked and didn’t like. Now, I think of myself as having a pretty refined sense of humor. I love a jaunty pun, a well-spun tale of the humorous genre, that sort of thing. But I recall seeing Heatran, and telling my friend Kuzel, “Excuse me for being direct here but KUZEL, THIS LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE POOP,” a word I reserve myself to use in only the most dire of situations in which its use is required. Its crudeness does not become the master of Stark Mountain, and I can assure you it was only captured with the utmost disdain.
I don’t mean to toot my own horn here, but I do have a completed Pokedex. A feat I managed without the use of hacking (though some minor tweaking). In my quest for completion, I quickly discovered Cherrim is a really fucking difficult Pokemon to get. In Pearl, Cherrim’s first form, Cherubi is obtained through slathering honey on the scattered honey trees (don’t get me started). In HeartGold, Cherubi can only be obtained by headbutting one particular tree in National Park on Thursdays (the tree varying every week). Since the HeartGold method demanded less patience (barely) I decided to focus on that, while only casually attempting the honey tree method. Both of which proved to be a bitch and took months to actually work. After every Pokemon encounter, I was required to turn back to my Pokegear, restart the radio station needed to catch Cherrim, and continue the tedious process of headbutting for nearly a hundred trees. Finally some small victory when I finally caught it. Cherrim itself has an ability which boosts its attack and sp. attack in sunshine. The problem being, it means you have to spend a turn using Sunny Day and then you only have 5 turns to kick ass before you revert. Odds are, you’ll probably be dead by then. Which is good, I hope you stay dead, Cherrim.
Now, I’ve owned many Ralts in my time. Gardevoir being one of my heavy-hitters throughout Emerald. For those of you who don’t know, Ralts are really rare but thankfully caught early in the game. Now, if Ralts wasn’t the bane of my catching existence she easily wouldn’t have made my list. But she is. I’m pretty “Black Swan” when it comes to Pokemon, that is to say I’d KILL myself if I wasn’t PERFECT. In this instance, I NEEDED a Ralts with a nature beneficial to its stats which involved spending three hours walking back and forth between shrubs, catching Ralts, and releasing ones that were “undesirable”. Fate finally smiled down upon me as I caught one that I considered adequate, and I’m rearing to train this little whore. Then, I am allowed the pleasure of discovering Ralts can’t do anything but Growl. Really, Ralts? I let you into my heart despite your ugly pink horns and now I can’t even train you? I had to put Ralts at the front of my team and switch her out in the first turn so she could get a portion of the experience points for FOUR LEVELS until she learned Confusion. It was an ordeal that I don’t recommend. An ordeal that caused a stirring resentment against this. I don’t hate you Ralts, I’m just disappointed (I hate you).
Now, I know Hoothoot isn’t terrible. Especially as far as bird Pokemon go. But during my aforementioned quest to “catch ’em all” this little bastard drove me crazy. Now, there are supposedly a variety of Pokemon to be caught in trees: Heracross, Aipom, Pineco, just to name a few. But one would not know this with the Headbutting to Hoothoot ratio. I’ve spent hours headbutting trees only to be pestered by the common Hoothoot. Everywhere I looked: HOOTHOOT. Its’ grasp seemed inescapable. Even in my daily life, I had to cut down on my cherished activity of headbutting forestry for fear of the HOOT. It just became a setback for me. A big one. Also an obnoxious one.
Delibird is awful. From abhorrent stats, to a learned movepool of ONE. Delibirds are rare for some reason, likely they annoy people to the extent of being hunted for sport. Anyone who elects Delibird to their party needs to take a long, hard look at their lives. LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES. Delibird can’t do much of anything, but it can use its signature move “present”, a gamble which does a fair amount of damage. The catch: It has a chance of attacking or healing the target. The other catch: The target is either the opponent or you. So on top of there only being a possibility of damage, there is also a possibility of you taking that damage. Surprise! You’re awful, Delibird, just awful.
Let me start off by saying I LOVE fat people. Skinny people are just so judgmental. I love being surrounded by fat people, and maybe it’s my primitive animal instinct but I know if a predator comes along there’s not much competition to outrun, therefore I feel safer around my tubby brothers and sisters. And what if I get caught up in a drive-by shooting, who’s going to protect me? Not a bunch of skinny bitches, I can tell you that much. And besides that, fat people bring me joy. If I see a skinny person fall down a flight of stairs I’m like, “JESUS, I hope they’re okay,” when a fat person falls down a flight of stairs, let’s be honest with ourselves, it’s kind of funny (btw, I’m terrible). Now that that’s out of the way, Hariyama is fat. It’s ability is even “Thick Fat”. But Hariyama is fat in a bad way. Like, I-can’t-go-to-the-movies-with-you-because-you’ll-take-up-two-seats kind of way. Or the way you’re secretly afraid to go in an elevator with because you think they might snap the pulley and you’ll die horrifically. It takes a lot for me to be superficial but Hariyama crosses that threshold. It promotes an unhealthy body image, and let’s leave it at that.
Listen, I don’t need a bag of trash to fight my battles for me. First of all, its name is a combination of “garbage” and “odor”, two qualities I try to avoid in a companion. Secondly, I think poison is a secondary type at best. Thirdly, Garbodor is gross. Really gross. It looks like a tumor full of Fruity Pebbles. If that image doesn’t corrupt you then you are a champion, my friend, deserving of my respect. Its stats are nothing special, there are no redeeming qualities about Garbodor except maybe how pitiable it is. I’m sorry Garbodor, now back under the staircase where you belong.
I don’t have a phobia of clowns, but I don’t understand the appeal. Technically the same goes for steroids. But I don’t think they’re two elements that ever needed to be mashed together in such a cacophony such as Gurdurr. I don’t think Gurdurr is based on a clown, but it gives off heavy clown vibes. And personally, I think giving off “clown vibes” is worse in itself than actually being a clown. As I’ve stated, I don’t have a phobia of clowns but I am cautious of slapstick humor. I find clowns erratic “Why? Why are you doing that? WHAT IS GOING ON?”. Much like in an encounter with a wild bear, I am unnerved by not knowing what a clown is going to do next. I don’t like surprises, just make your move so I can respond appropriately which, more often than not, includes bolting in the opposite direction. Again, the same can be said for steroids. Steroids were popular at my high school. Why? I don’t know. I just come from an area that is very masculine-centric. And what’s more masculine than arms the size of telephone poles, unstable mood swings, and shrunken balls? Nothing, that’s what. But in the least, the male population of my high school didn’t don shiny red noses and rainbow afros (and they didn’t need to, they were already funny just in a really sad, sad way). I may have strayed far from my point, but Gurdurr is a bad combination of two gross, unreputable things.
I am in favor of population control. The world is full of enough awkward strangers, thank you very much. Zubat could easily be a valid argument for my case. Every trainer dreads caves. They usually require HMs, there’s a dozen challengers but no Pokemon center, it’s easy to get lost, but worst of all is you can’t go four damn steps without damn stopping for a damn Zubat. Zubats let out an awful screech every time you encounter them and are terrible to train against, there is really no benefit to fighting them, so you take the logical route and run. Whew, thank god that ordeal is over. 1, 2, 3, 4. Repeat. By the time you are halfway through, you are praying for death’s sweet embrace. Anything to break the monotony. Even a Geodude would be like rain in the Sahara right about now. I really like Crobat. Golbat, meh. But Zubat- I pray for a plague to extinct this horrible species. Hell, I’ll settle for half-extinction. I’m being compromising here, cut me a break. I bow before Gamefreak’s decision not to include Zubat in Black and White, instead being replaced by less frustrating counterparts. But still- fuck caves, am I right? I’ve probably gone through each cave in each game, once when I had to and once after I had all the HMs to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Pain in the ass. There aren’t enough expletives in the English language to describe my distaste for caves, nor taking one step in and getting immediately gangbanged by a pack of Zubat. The only time in the game Repels become a necessity. Needless to say, I am well-stocked. Fuck you, caves. And fuck you, Zubat.
Obviously I can’t sit here making fun of a mentally challenged beaver. I’m a little too classy for that, ladies and gentlemen. I will just throw out that Bibarel can have one of two abilities: “Simple” and “Unaware”.
Despite being a former vegetarian, I hate cows. I hate any animals dumb enough to swallow barbed wire. As far as I’m concerned, cutting them open and grilling them up is just classic Darwinism, folks. Anyway, Miltank is a cow as fate would have it. And a bastard to fight against.
You remember that episode of Pokemon where Ash fights that guy and all his Metapod can do is harden, so they just sit there and use Harden? Because that’s why I hate Metapod.
So Bagon isn’t THE WORST but it does have a mullet and takes forever to evolve. It’s 2011, Bagon, even Billy Ray ditched the mullet for some layers and highlights.
Slugs are gross. They’re half-amorphous (like, choose a shape and stick with it, bro) and covered in mucous. Slugma’s only difference is that its mucous is lava that just greatly resembles mucous.
If you’d like to submit your own list, then please contact me in the comments section below!