1000 Things We Hate #164: Hotel California

15 06 2011

Listen and Weep:

Let me give you an example of the beautiful lyricism that is The Eagles:

Her mind is tiffany-twisted, she got the mercedes bends
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?  “Tiffany-Twisted!?” “Mercedes Bends!?”

Let’s step back a moment… the song “Hotel California” is an annoying song of utter bullshit.  It’s like some fever cowboy dream about mischievous ghosts.  The lyrics are tacky, but they’re not terrible.  The part that SUCKS ELEPHANT BALLS is the annoying guitar and drawn out masturbation that is the song.  Some songs – like those from metal – are like a shot to the head… or, at the very least, a kick in the face followed by 20 titty-twisters.  This song is basically taking a cheese grater to the face for six and a half minutes.  The stupid live version THAT IS EVEN WORSE that they play on the radio all of the time is longer.  I honestly feel that during that time period – while getting my face grated – I could carry a child to term.  Of course, that child will then pull a Rosemary’s Baby on me or something.

In case you couldn’t tell, the song is SO DAMN LONG and SO DAMN BORING.  Of course, the vocals don’t help.  They sound like a really skinny man giving it to you up the ass and whispering sweet nothings into your ear.

"I've been screwed by the devil!"

My friend’s Dad has a country cover band (and my friend plays with his dad in the band).  They also cover other classic rock songs, but it’s mostly country stuff.  They’re really good and fun, but I remember when they played “Hotel California” and I was deeply disappointed.  They made a shitty song have some sugar on top of its lump of shitty mcshittyness, but there was no redemption from the ultra-threat that is The Eagles.

I also feel like their band probably gets yelled at at the county fair or a wedding “WOOO PLAY HOTEL CALIFORNIA, MAN!”  Better yet, The Eagles probably get yelled that at their shows.  However, The Eagles deserve it because they doomed themselves with a terrible, terrible song that just happened to catch on.  They’re the idiots that put gasoline on the fire and the fire followed that trail of gasoline back up into the can.  Ugh! I also hate tissue burns.  EAGLES, YOU ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE>>> but not really, because I don’t suck on douches in my free time like you do.



2 responses

11 07 2011

Her mind is Tiffany twisted, She’s got the Mercedes “Benz” is actually clever allegory illustrating the materialism of the female protagonist, who is availing herself of all the pleasures and hedonistic excesses available in Hollywood.

9 04 2013

Thank you. This song has created in me a phobia, like catastrophic, only much less tolerant. This and “What’s Love Got to do With It,” Tina… I dont know, stop screeching already…

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