1000 Things We Hate #165: Toxic Shock Syndrome

22 06 2011

I have some bad news for some easily scared men out there… WOMEN HAVE VAGINAS.  I know, scary, scary shit.  Unlike a fair amount of men, I am not fearful of the giant V-A-G.  I don’t think it looks very disgusting (BUT IT CAN… (penises can too, you jerks)), and they are occasionally very pleasant to be around.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, they have a tendency to bleed for 1/4th of the year.  To stop this process women use *gasp* TAMPONS.  These pesky things clog everything up and make things much more bearable for women.  Now, I don’t hate this process (though, I wouldn’t be surprised if one of our lovely ladies writes a post about periods in the future), but I’m fearful for women.  I’m fearful because of these gigantic big fucking scary thing called Toxic Shock Syndrome.

Toxic Shock Syndrome is seriously scary.  Basically, what happens is that a woman places insider herself a tampon, and then, maybe, she falls asleep and takes a long nap.  In the morning she’s like “hmmm… I don’t think I have a tampon in” and she shoves another one in.  Now, this action causes the first one to get misplaced and stuck.  The woman may not realize it, but she is in serious danger.  TSS can cause intense fever, confusion, organ failure, or, in the extreme cases, coma.  This is some messed up shit.

So, you may wonder why, me being a guy and all, hates this.  I’ve already stated that I’m not necessarily mystified or fearful of vaginas or even periods.  I suppose my hate comes out of, surprisingly enough, a malignant empathy.  I feel sorry for women who have to use tampons, but I feel even more sorry when they try to play “how much can you fit in” without even knowing it.  TSS is some scary stuff.

Let’s think about the acronym first.  It’s TSS.  TSS as in the tssss that snakes make.  Satan, in the garden of Eden, was a snake and probably went “tsssss” all day.  TSS, then, must be God’s vengeful wrath at Eve’s betrayal.  Also, God created tampons.  True story, look it up.



2 responses

22 06 2011
Brandi Adams

I like reading your random posts, they make me smile.

27 12 2011
UPDATES! Yay! « 1000 Things We Hate


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