1000 Things We Hate #173: Missing Buttons

13 07 2011

Bane of my Existence

You know, I actually like the look of buttons.  They hold things together quite well and there’s just something, generally, pleasing about their whole effect.  They can be a life saver like on jeans.  What would you do if there wasn’t a button on top to make sure the zipper didn’t constantly flood downwards?  However, buttons are not so fun when they’re loose or missing.

Let’s go over the scenario: You’ve had your favorite shirt, blouse, etc. for a couple of years.  It’s getting a little tattered because you’ve worn the shit out of it, but you still cannot fully give it up.  Then, the worst happens: you lose a button.  There’s a moment of dreadful realization that you may not be able to wear this shirt for its full effect anymore; you have to replace a button.  I suppose there’s a certain amount of deft skill in choosing out a replacement button, but you would need a SHITLOAD of buttons to fully do this.

Instead, your life just spirals out of control.  You wear your shirt with buttons missing as you drink cheap beer and throw up in alleyways.  You’re a modern-day (or at least more modern) Danny Bonaduce.


You lose your job because you start not showering, showing up on time, and are always wearing that one shirt as it becomes EVEN MORE of a mess.  So much to your cozy office job and hello to unemployment.  You spill coffee grounds all over yourself and then it hits you: YOUR LIFE IS OVER.

In the grand irony of all, you use your ratted favorite shirt to hang yourself.  However, it’s not the hanging that kills you, it’s that very last button popping into your mouth to choke you at the last moment.

Button Poppers

Sure, that’s a drastic occurrence of events, but it totally could (and has) happened.

Luckily, classy shirts and jackets come with replacement buttons.  Naturally, though, YOU ALWAYS FORGET WHERE YOU PUT THEM.  Anyway, half the time people don’t know how to sew buttons back on, give up, and get rid of the shirt.  It’s the sad, sad truth because that shirt probably had a good six more months in it.

Oh well.  Buttons will always bite you in the ass.



One response

13 07 2011
Stephanie Bennis

I have a huge disdain toward missing buttons. Losing a button on a piece of clothing has actually led my to getting rid of that shirt/coat/pants entirely, rather than taking 5 minutes to sew it back on. I may need to seek help for this…

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