1000 Things We Hate #176: Movie Theater Slobs

27 07 2011

EVERYONE smiles at the movies... EVERYONE.

Like most of my Hates, I’m a-gonna attack this from two fronts.  First, it’s the slob during the movie, then it’s the slob after the movie.

I have a beloved story I like to tell when I went to see Tron: Legacy.  This story appeals to my hate of people, 3D movies, and… well, people.  As covered in my Tron review, I impulsively went to go and see Tron by myself.  I got there and there was probably 10 people in the audience.  Mind you, it was in the middle of the day about two weeks after it had been released.  The pickings were already going to be scarce, basically.  So, OF COURSE, the grossest, stupidest person in the world had to sit within three seats of me when the entire theater was empty for their choosing.  This woman has her 80 gallon jug of soda and two buckets with her (one for her and her comrade).  I swear, before the movie had even begun, she had already eaten and drank her concessions down to at least halfway.

Anyway, I’m sitting there hating the world as she slurps, burps, farts (I swear it happened), and crunches.  Then, the movie previews come up.  The stupid ass Transformers 3 teaser trailer unveils itself in all of its flat 3D depth of field and she goes “OH MY GOD! I CAN ALMOST TOUCH IT.”  I wince in shame for the human/stupid, privileged, American race in response.  The rest of Tron was also filled with her exclamations.  It truly was disheartening.

You see, this sort of thing happened again last night when my housemate Damon and I went to go see Captain America (here’s my review).  This person next to them was breathing so hard that I thought they were going to have a heart attack at any moment.  At first, I had mistaken the breathing for Damon, but it turns out it was that person… with buttery popcorn and giant soda in hand.

Which leads me to part two.

Best mess ever!

I happen to volunteer at the local independent cinema.  You can often find me working concessions (I get a kick out of doing popcorn despite being deathly afraid of it at first) on Thursday and Friday evenings.  I do also like to, strangely enough, clean out theaters.  Because, really, it provides great stories.  Like the time I found a bag of cat food someone had been nibbling on.  Or when I found a full, 40 oz, unopened beer for The Tree of Life (it must have blown their fucking minds).  Nevertheless, the theaters can sometimes be just too much.  It really is unfortunate when people spill two or three buckets in a single theater (I think our largest theater fits 60 people… maybe) because I have to clean the fucker up.  I just find it to be incredibly rude to leave your trash for someone else to pick up when you can just as easily carry it to the trashcan (you carried it in in the first place, asshole) as a courteous moviegoer.

So what do I wish to happen to these people.  Well, I would prefer it if the Marley brothers from the Muppets Christmas Carrol came out and beat the shit out of people until they begged for their lives, forgiveness, and promised to clean up their messes all while the brothers crack terrible puns about being ghosts.

Dangerous Ghost-Minds

Dreams can come true, right?



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