1000 Things We Hate #180: Bird Poop

4 09 2011

He should be ashamed

I have never been pooped on by a bird… thank goodness.  However, I can imagine that it is something that you will more than likely look back upon in complete spite.  Like that one time when I actually cared about Michael Jackson (oh wait, never happened)… I feel like the most common perpetrator of these heinous crimes are seagulls and pigeons.

Here’s the thing: Birds feel privileged.  Sure, some of you may believe animals don’t have souls (I personally believe that NO ONE has a soul), but I at least believe that birds have a natural swagger of clever bastardliness.  They soar above everyone else and are like “hey! Guess what I can do!? POOP ON YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HEAD!”  Because birds swear, it’s true.  Parrots listen to a lot of rap music and send it to their friends.

Everyone needs a quick how to

You know, birds also don’t pee.  They secrete their liquids out at the same time that they poop.  That’s why bird poop is all liquidy and weird.  (No idea on why it’s white).  So, they fly high above you in all of their cockiness and play “hit the child on the head with my poop!”  However, this phenomenon is not regulated to just birds.

Think about it, they play this game because WE play this game.  How many times have young boys gone up to a high point and spit off the side and tried to hit someone?  Seriously, THE BIRDS HAVE LEARNED FROM US.  Look at who the mirror’s staring back at now!  We should give ourselves a good self-punch in the gut for what we have taught this clever animal-type.

Sorry, this has gotten all too Planet of the Apes-y.

Nevertheless, beware the birds for they know how to strike back.  It may be a game, but it can get deadly…

Salmonella!


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8 12 2011
1000 Things We Hate #206: Manure Covered Dogs « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] you (dis)like poop check out more hateful posts about bird poop, dog poop, and human poop.  Or maybe you (dis)like dogs; check out dog barking.  If all else […]

23 02 2012
Suck it Kid: Pidgeotto « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] just made me think of our post on Bird Poop from awhile back… Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this […]

16 03 2012
1000 Things We Hate #233: Common Starling « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] Bird Poop is another big […]

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