1000 Things We Hate #188: Fake Mustaches

28 09 2011

I suppose the obsession with fake mustaches has stemmed with our nostalgic obsession with Groucho Marx (or known on the grout wall of groutness: Groutcho Marx).  He defined an age when he rocked his delicious mustache.

I also suppose that the obsession with mustaches for women has often stemmed from them desiring what they normally cannot have (although some do manage it).

Now, mustaches have always been somewhat of a strange phenomenon for me.  I like beards – I desperately seek one – but mustaches are just too weird for me.  It’s either the full effect or nothing.  I suppose that I’m just rather put off by the idea of hair GROWING OUT OF MY FACE.  Yes, yes, there’s hair on top of my head (although that may be on the downward swing in years to come), but for hair to come out of your face so close to your mouth?  Now, that’s just peculiar… and a little gross.

So then why do women (i.e. ages 13-25 or even up to 35 if you’re quirky enough) enjoy them… on themselves?  Now, I would not be opposed to women having mustaches if that was the natural thing that happened.  I dated a girl with a mustache… it was kind of cute when it tickled my lips when we kissed… but not all too pleasant to look at.  What I suppose makes me so spiteful is how women will think they’re being quirky, weird, creative, and original when they rock a mustache on their face.

Many women treat this phenomenon LIKE IT’S NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE.  “Nope, nope, definitely haven’t seen it… no really… you’re so cool… and funny… man, you’re about the funniest thing around” BECAUSE YOU’RE SO STUPID LOOKING.

On my campus we have a comedy troupe named Ubiquitous They.  Now, they can be funny and creative excusing the 1000 sex jokes they make (new blog possibility!? “I’ll be the turtle, and you can be the hare!”).  Their t-shirt that they made last year to obviously distinguish themselves involves a cute woman with a mustache with “Ubiquitous They” written within it.  Do you know why they did that?  BECAUSE WOMEN WITH MUSTACHES ARE HILARIOUS!  Have you not heard!?

This may just be one of those “fads that just caught on” experiences, but I honestly cannot believe it.  The humor is in the disjointedness and playing off the reverse gender roles and inherent drag (if you can even call a bit of fluff above the nose drag) with wearing a mustache.  It must have been funny the first time, but when at least 3 of my 250 facebook friends have pictures of themselves with fake mustaches, I know that there’s a disease.


Of special note, I would like to note that there is an exception to the rule of fake mustaches.  That exception being the band CocoRosie.  They can rock the drag and the mustaches.



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