1000 Things We Hate #195: Candy Corn

31 10 2011

Little traingles of Disgust!

I have an aversion to all things that taste like chalk.  I suppose it’s because limestone is disgusting.  Don’t you remember those times as a kid in which you insisted on tasting chalk?  BAD DECISION.  It tasted like no other thing before it.  Like a whale hit an elephant at full speed and turned into a solid – yet porous – substance.

In that regards, candy corn seems to follow suit in the “things that taste like chalk” category.  The problem is: CANDY CORN IS SO GODDAMN APPEALING.  It’s bright, colorful, matches the colors of autumn, hard yet soft, and breaks apart in pleasant little pieces.  Yet, hidden inside its deep reserves is a full hatred of humanity to overthrow civilization as we know it one candy corn at a time.

Second of all, do we even need any more corn in our diet?  Candied or not?  Sure, sure, this is a stretch of an argument but things that look like corn apparently seem just as dangerous as corn itself!  BLAST THIS CONUNDRUM!

The overall problem is that most people really enjoy candy corn.  Like, it completes them or something around Halloween.  Apparently it has magical powers for people.  “OH MY GOD, MY LEUKEMIA HAS BEEN HEALED – THANKS CANDY CORN!”  Exactly.  So, why should I hate something that allegedly cures leukemia?  Because it is so goddamn disgusting.

It makes me want to drink 5 gallons of water after eating one candy corn to get the wretched taste out of my mouth.  It makes me want to hunt a candy corn celebrity all tan and weird.

Jessica Simpson - Candy Corn

What can we do on this fateful Halloween of 2011?  Burn all Candy Corn factories until the stank that is their hidden ingredient is released into the world… curing global warming (see, it’s beneficial for something!).

Yes, I believe that a lot of people are going to disagree with me.  To that regard, let me rely upon an age old (and, really, a young age) insult: you. are. stupid.

For more on candy check out these 1000 Things We Hate: Melted Chocolate and Sticky Candy.

And, if you wish to enjoy the plentiful wellspring of 1000 Things We Hate, check out the MASTER LIST.


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5 responses

31 10 2011
xanpluto

I disagree. You. Are. Stupid.
Candy corn is amazing. There’s pure joy in eating it.
Plus, the glaze that makes it shiny is made out of beetles or something similar…eating bugs get’s you into the Halloween spirit.

1 11 2011
MechanisticMoth

EATING BUGS IS AWESOME! And totally in the spirit of Halloween.
Candy Corn is also in the spirit of Halloween, but, alas, it is gross as fuck.

Though, I have to admit, I like their Candy Apple Caramel Candy Corn.

I knew this post would be one of contention amongst us.

1 11 2011
A Thing on Halloween Candy « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] Hence the reason why I talk about it aplenty on such posts as Sticky Candy, Melted Chocolate, or Candy Corn.  Part of the reason I run so many posts on candy is because it is an integral part of my life.  […]

1 11 2011
1000 Things We Hate #196: Indivdually Wrapped Candy « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] to do in honor of Halloween.  I had forgotten about this post within the gathering storm over my hate of candy corn.  I feel as if this hate is a bit more general so more people can get into it and agree (or […]

20 11 2011
My Fingerless Gloves « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] are going to be some hates that we do not agree with.  Such as Lillian vehemently disagreeing that Candy Corn is gross.  That’s part of the challenge with three people writing 1000 Things We Hate: we all hate […]

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