1000 Things We Hate #198: Flower Headbands

7 11 2011

Flower headbands have become a blight on society.  I say that about a lot of things, and I MEAN IT every single time I say it.  Therefore, there are about 50,000 blights on society.  We live in a blemished country, people… a blemished country.  (Will Clearasil clean it, will it!?).

Anyway, flower headbands are basically a retro throwback to the hippie days of old where flower children would braid flowers and put them in their hair.  Flowers tucked behind the ear or pinned in the hair seemed natural; a way of getting back into the rustic flavor of the earth.  Unfortunately, people disagree with the whole cutting a flower thing.  Also, they do not like how quickly flowers wilt and die (as can be seen on the former 1000 Things We Hate post about the Lifespan of Daffodils).  Solution!?  Let’s make a fake flower, attach it to some elastic, and put it in our hair!  GENIUS!

Problem is: it looks really fucking dumb.

Prom Queen Disaster

I have gone on record to say how much I hate fake flowers, and I believe that the flower headband is a very strong continuation of this belief.  They just seem tacky and unbelievable.  They’re so gaudy and disruptive.  Headbands in general kind of weird me out (which could be from my childhood of wearing basketball sweatbands on my forehead to be SUPER FUCKING (un)COOL).  So, it’s kind of a combination of really weird things.

THE WORST, though, is with children.  Oh, let’s just differentiate that we have a girl WITH A FLOWER.  Of course, this strategy needs to be fallen back on often… so, make it a reusable flower attached to elastic.

Her eyes are like the sea, and her mouth is like a sea urchin...

But let’s take this even further.  I mean it, really.  How can we make something so unbelievably disgusting as attaching fakery to your face into something even more disgusting…?  LET’S CROCHET THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

The smile for all of the worlds...

I don’t mind crocheted hats or anything.  They’re comfy and warm.  However, when a flower is crocheted onto something it looks REALLY FUCKING STUPID (I use this phrase much too often).  It basically looks like the yarn god took a vomit all over everything including a mold of a flower and called it wearable.

Hey, what’s that blight on your forehead!?  Oh yeah… IT’S YOUR FACE COVERED IN YARN GOD VOMIT SHIT.

Wish to go on a magical adventure to a magical land filled with magic?  Look no further than the finest collection of hate in the land at our MASTER LIST.


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5 responses

7 11 2011
Debbie

There wasn’t enough FUCKING DUMB SHIT SHIT SHIT VOMIT in this post for me to take you seriously and believe that you hate flower headbands. Just a few more SUPER FUCKING (un)cool) words likes that, and I would have been terribly impressed. But now, tsk tsk.

Maybe you could rap instead?

7 11 2011
MechanisticMoth

Writing a rap over Flower Headbands would be terribly difficult. But, let’s give it a shot…

Yo, headbands grow down below
Fuckin shit is real until we speel
the number one secret we keep it
Flower on the top, dicks on the bottom
Don’t forget to stop, until its all forgotten
Bitches be slippin and trippin on their face
Shit be nippin and clippin da flower trim
Brims and fins and yarn and fuckin scarn
lets go live in a motherfuckin barn

…I’m really terrible at this.

10 11 2011
MegansBeadedDesigns

LOL. You crack me up.

I still like flower headband/clips (and continue to handmake them.) But there are LIMITS. Such as, how big the flower can be, what color combinations actually look good, style (like, NOT attaching anything to elastic), etc.

BTW, your rapping isn’t half bad. ;-P

11 11 2011
MechanisticMoth

Ha! Thanks. I tried really hard in a five minute period to write that.

Now, I don’t want to take away from your craft. I think they can be interesting looking, but it just seems to me like cheap thrills. I suppose the “NOT attaching anything to elastic” is helpful. Flower pins in hair can be alright.

Nevertheless, I’m a frustrated person.

25 05 2012
1000 Things We Hate #240: Mullet Dress « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] LEGGINGS, the irritating BOOTS WITH SOCKS SHOWING, and the slightly cool but painfully upsetting FLOWER HEADBANDS. Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this […]

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