1000 Things We Hate #24: Fingerless Gloves

20 11 2011

This fashion trend has always managed to confuse me. How is it that gloves with the fingers cut off are the popular thing to do? Don’t you think your fingers get a tad chilly folks? I mean, what could they possibly do for you? If you honestly intend to walk around in the winter with those on, I think you’ve got another thing coming your way beside my great disapproval, frostbite.

Is it not the entire purpose of gloves to keeps your hands warm?! Pray tell, how do these fingerless gloves accomplish this?

I find that there are two scenarios in which people find themselves purchasing fingerless gloves.

Just examine the sweater and glove combination. It’s screaming asshole.

If you’re looking to jump on the trend wagon then you buy the manufactured ones that they sell at urban outfitters. They’re much more expensive than any other gloves, so there’s a good chance that they will never actually wind up tattered and worn; they merely look it for effect. I mean, you don’t REALLY want to be a bum; you just want to look like one. However, the downside to this is that you’re TRYING far too hard to look like you’re not trying. According to the hipster bible, there are far easier methods.

But if you’re cool, you buy a used pair at a thrift store for a dollar, cut the fingers off and then construct a story about how you lived on the streets for a year and a half trekking the country and hopping trains with various bands of vagrants.

ah yes… travelling by rail through the grand blue mountains with ol’ fishstick joe.

Oh yes, just the shirt on your back, the wind in your hair, and this single pair of gloves. Of course they’ve worn naturally from use; what with the constant building of barrel fire pits and all, it really takes the years off of what were originally a complete (and uncut) pair of gloves. This way, it doesn’t look like you’re trying too hard to look cool; you simple are by default of the transient story.

People, please! Must I bring about the thermodynamics chart brought up in #13?! In case you forgot fuckers, heat escapes! And if there is no isolation, or insulation for that matter, than you will be left with nothing but chilling particles! Chilling to the bone! And then what?! And then you’re fucked.

He is clearly covering his face in shame.

So don’t come crying to me when your fingers fall off when you get trapped in some baffling snowstorm in mid-June, because I will have no mercy. In fact, the most realistic turn of events, when you come rapping on my door, would probably be me pouring a tub of chilled urine all over you from the window of my toasty room above the doorway. Only shrieks of my shrill laughter will accompany your shivering body as it rejects its contents upon the snowy road, unable to make the last mile to the shelter. I will merely watch as you become weak, toppling into an embankment, refusing to call an ambulance until I notice your shaking breaths cease to be visible. Maybe then you’d learn your lesson assholes.


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27 12 2011
UPDATES! Yay! « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] FINGERLESS GLOVES DOLPHINS OIL SPILLS CROCS PAULA DEEN TOXIC SHOCK SYNDROME WET SOCKS […]

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