1000 Things We Hate #209: Christmas Wreaths

15 12 2011

Christmas Wreaths cause families to die.  Entire civilizations have been lost to the unforgiving fright that is embodied in Christmas Wreaths.  They cause famine, AIDS, and cleft lip.  They have been known to sprout legs, hunt prey, and barbecue baby jerky.

Trust me, it’s all true.

The actual history of wreaths is rather interesting.  Apparently, they come from Greek mythology where Apollo wore a laurel wreath on his head after chasing Daphne.  They symbolize power, victory, and badassness.  They were also used to distinguish your rank in society.  Intriguing stuff.

Then, this little thing called THE BIRTH OF CHRIST had to fuck everything up.

Thanks Martha! Fake Snow, yay!

Have I made it clear that I do not like holidays (the exception being, on occasion, Halloween (another exception being the CANDY that comes specifically for certain holidays))?  Now, I’m not going to outright say “fuck Christmas” because I genuinely believe others should enjoy it… just not around me.  I don’t see why we should pick random days out of the year and hold them in such high esteem over the other days of the year.  EVERY DAY should be CELEBRATED.  Sure, these holiday things give you a chance for something to look forward to and they emphasize family.  However, do you really want to actually see some of these extended family members?  I sure as hell don’t.

Okay, tirade on holidays.  I understand that people like them, but I don’t.  I’ll try not to be a hater.

What I really dislike about Christmas is the inevitability of it all.  Particularly, I don’t see why we have to rip branches off of trees, warp them in some absurd way, and hang them on our doors (or trucks).  Let’s put a pretty bow on top of that and call it good.  OR, Ooh! Fake snow (I love making things look like Frosted Mini-Wheats)!

I’m picking out Christmas Wreaths from the Wreath crowd (“we’re the Wreathies, fool!”) is because the other ones have meaning that I can partially understand.  I still hate them, though.  They’re just a little bit more excusable.

I just don’t see why everyone should feel obligated to hang a wreath up around Christmas.  Or, to one up each other with the MOST EXPENSIVE WREATH POSSIBLE.  Showmanship with wreaths?  Seriously?  Oh wait, let’s celebrate the birth of christ (which isn’t even on Christmas) by kicking total ass with our tree remnants.  WOO! YEAH!

I used to sell wreaths when I was in Cub Scouts.  What the fuck were people doing buying them?  I could not understand.  They’re not pretty, they smell like Pine-Sol, and they may impale you.

End of story.


For more on Christmas, check out Fake Snow and Inevitable Christmas Music!

Tired and ready to relax?  How about celebrating in all things awful by checking out our MASTER LIST of things we hate!



3 responses

15 12 2011
1000 Things We Hate #208: Bull Horns on Trucks « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] 1000 Things We Hate #207: Manure Covered Dogs 1000 Things We Hate #209: Christmas Wreaths […]

23 12 2011
1000 Things We Hate #211: Inevitable Christmas Music « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] more on Christmas, check out Christmas Wreaths and Fake […]

23 12 2011
1000 Things We Hate #210: Fake Snow « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] more on Christmas, check out Christmas Wreaths and Inevitable Christmas […]

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