1000 Things We Hate #223: VD

14 02 2012

“Happy Valentine’s Day everybody!

“Today, for class, I’m going to explain to you the dangers of getting a little too naughty on this special day.

“Tonight, you may be feeling good about getting 5 lbs of spaghetti.  This quick cooking/way to your heart may make you want to get filled up with something else… like helium!  But, be cautious, VD hangs around the corner like a hungry pigeon in the city.

“What is VD?  Well, I will explain to you about how it is evil… pure evil.  God created it to punish us for our sexual misconduct.  We have sinned and for which we shall be punished with lots of itchiness and fever!  You remember that part in ‘The Odyssey’ where Odysseus has to outsmart the Cyclops?  Well, that’s what you have to do with VD and sheep!

“VD stands for Venereal Disease.  It’s what happens when your no-no parts go bang-bang.  Basically, it’s a collective term for diseases such as gonorrhea or syphilis.  These diseases can cause you to lose impairment of your eyes and undergo tail bone removal surgery.

“According to all of the early advertising of VD which still applies to today, almost all pretty ladies who swing loose have VD!  They may have nice, round, robust cheeks, but those things are hiding something!  Also, according to one propaganda advertisement, all of our enemies are infected and are trying to infect us!

“Once, when I was a young, teenaged girl, I met a nice man named Harold.  Harold had a slight limp from falling out of a tree when he was fourteen after which a deer nursed him.  Well, Harold said things to me, things that made me swoon, things that made me need to cross my legs, things that made me go to church.  So, Harold and I met secretly at the ballpark one time and he gave me a bouquet of flowers.  It was very sweet.  He’s a circus performer training elephants, now.

“Sorry, I was reminiscing…  Oh yes! VD! It’s a danger to your body, your independence, and your liberty!  Take it down!  If you get it, wring it out early with a drying towel because that’s super effective!”

– Sincerely, your 30th grade teacher.


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3 responses

14 02 2012
FindingStrengthToStandAgain

I clicked on this because of the cute Valentine picture you started your post with. I was surprised at the turn the post took. 🙂 I guess VD and Valentine maybe should go together in some cases. Hope you are having a nice holiday.

14 02 2012
MechanisticMoth

Ha! Yeah, the turn was intentional. I really just wanted to start out with some superheroes and then switch. I always am like “Happy VD!” Then, I realized the dire consequences of this phrase. “Hey, I’m glad you have VD, enjoy it!” or, “Don’t worry pal, VD just isn’t made for you…” or “THIS IS THE BEST VD PARTY EVER!”

26 02 2012
1000 Things We Hate #228: Dirty Monitors « 1000 Things We Hate

[…] If you want to impress the ladies with your technological know-how, then keep your monitor clean (like clean from VD!). […]

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