1000 Things We Hate #235: Restringing Hoodies

21 03 2012

As Zach Quinto demonstrates, many hoodies have strings!  *gasp* I KNOW!  But, we’re not here to state the OBVIOUS.

Instead, we’re here to hate on shit and stuff.

I was doing the laundry last night.  After about 20 wears without being washed, I figured some of my hoodies needed to be washed/cleaned/dryer-ified.  It made sense: CLEANLINESS.  Well, I was rather enraptured by my new 30 Days of Night comic (which I thought was okay).  I eventually discovered that the book was not only flawed from shipping with an incredible amount of bends, but that the comic actually came detached from the cover with all of that weird glue/binding shit.  OBVIOUSLY, I forgot about my laundry.

Until 11PM.  “OH SHIT!” I thought.  Mostly because I should have already been in bed at that point.  My laundry, of course, had to be done that night.  So, I stayed up and put the clothes on the wrinkle-free setting which takes about an hour and a half.  GREAT.

Well, to add insult to stupidity, two of my hoodies came out WITHOUT THEIR STRINGS.  This is, by far, the bitchiest thing laundry can do… aside from staining your clothes or shrinking.

I set my hoodies aside.  I decided, “Goddammit, just wait until we face each other in battle tomorrow!”  So, I got a safety pin from Lillian and went to work while on the phone.  I got the first one done in about 30 minutes.  Then, during an episode of Breaking Bad, I finished the second one.

Restringing hoodies (or drawstings, in general) is an awful process.  You have to use your small motor movements in your fingers.  You can feel the end as you move the string a quarter of an inch at a time.  It’s probably the worst 8 inches in the world (whatever the length of a hood is… not a penis… or a penis hood).  So much effort for such little reward.  It’s easy to just give up, throw in the towel, and go, “Hoodie, I will never scrunch you up against my face ever again!”  Then the sleeve of the hoodie will sarcastically high-five you.

Here’s a guy with an instructional video who’s voice sounds like a mix between Ray Romano and Matt Paxton.

I like to do restring hoodies with shear will power, but this guy has a method.  I really think he made some cuts in this video because it is NEVER that easy.  The string will almost always win.

One way to get around the hoodie string escape is tying knots in your strings.  However, this looks totally unfucking cool.  At that point you should just give up… with everything.  Particularly your marriage… or your dreams to go to Mars… or make sweet, unprotected love with Rick Santorum… or fight a ninja and win.


MASTER LIST!  MASTER LIST!  MASTER LIST!  Check it out for more hilarious 1000 Things We Hate!



One response

22 03 2012
Writing Challenge #43: Photo of Myself « MechanisticMoth

[…] My Broken Social Scene hoodie […]

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