1000 Things We Hate #237: Fancy Teeth

8 04 2012

Like with most 1000 Things We Hate posts, I need to do some clarity work before going into the meat-grinding-meat-grinder process of dissecting a hate.

When I say “Fancy Teeth,” I really mean Diamond and/or Gold teeth.  These may be fake teeth or real.  I just want to call them “Fancy Teeth” for the sake of mocking the people who really do think they’re fancy, bling, or hip… because they’re not, at all.

I smile a lot.  Or, at the very least, grin a lot.  Now, my teeth are not perfectly white coming in at a slight yellow, but they look decent.  To be fair, crazy white teeth is not the most appealing thing to look at mostly because I don’t want to burn my corneas (which also plays into Fancy Teeth).  The idea of white teeth has not been the ideal look of teeth for all cultures for all time.  In fact, during early Japan (and other Asian cultures), having black teeth was considered ideal.

It goes without saying that our view on what our teeth should be like has varied.  This new idea of Fancy Teeth doesn’t seem to have caught on as much as people hoped in the early 2000s.  So, I doubt it will become the dominating view on what teeth should look like anytime soon partially because it is presumably so expensive.  How come, though?

Gold or Diamond teeth is a way of shoving your economic status into someone’s face (or at least a desperate plea into a higher class).  It’s an excessive showering of excess.  It’s almost as if teeth was the last place to conquer in terms of gold, silver, and diamonds.  You got your earrings, studs, chains, rings, condoms, and other assortments of things to show off how incredibly rich you are.  It ultimately comes down to deciding whether you want to support aid in a third world country or buy Fancy Teeth.

There are two types of Fancy Teeth, it looks like.  You can get a grill which I assume attaches to your teeth somehow.  Presumably it’s removable.  Then you can actually REMOVE YOUR TEETH AND GET THEM REPLACED.  The first is more common.

But the first brings up all sorts of questions.  Can you just slide them off?  What happens when you get something stuck in your real teeth?  How do you chew?  Are you more indestructible?  Is this how you wish people to remember you?

It comes down to the whole excessive excess idea.  Making your teeth especially shiny just seems silly other than as a way to show off how much richer you are than your underlings.  The unemployment rate is at 8.3% in America.  There are people starving in the world.  You’re buying gold teeth.  It’s okay to buy stuff for yourself every now and again (like my obsession with books), but IT’S GOLD TEETH. Really?  Is that necessary?


More on teeth?  Check out LIPSTICK ON TEETH.

Even more excess can be found at HUMMER LIMOUSINES.

And if you want to direct your hate at a celebrity or two, then check out these posts on LINDSAY LOHAN and MEGAN FOX.

For all of our hate posts, the MASTER LIST welcomes you.



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