1000 Things We Hate #242: Ice Cream Wafer Cones

27 06 2012

I am about to ruin many of your childhoods… because you clearly have had more than one childhood.

Wafer ice cream cones are god’s curse upon man.

I have always been impartial to wafers.  The actual wafers colored magically neon pink or dull paste (like above) or a dark that seems appropriate in dog poop are tolerable.  This is mostly due to their magical muck that holds them together layer upon layer.  It’s sweet and counters the weird, starchy, throwupable of the actual wafer.  So, what happens when you have just the wafer?

Okay… okay… the ice cream wafer cones aren’t just wafers… they are meant to have ice cream inside of them.  BUT STILL, on their own, they are awful.  So, what does ice cream do?  The same thing as before – makes the wafer tolerable.  However, this happens at the same time as lowering the quality of the ice cream enjoyment.  I don’t want to be biting into some crumbly nothing-taste piece of hell without a huge payoff.

I guess the whole purpose of the wafer cone is to make you pretend that it’s not there while holding up your ice cream.  It’s perfect for kids because they don’t really care about whatever the fuck they’re shoving into their mouths as long as it’s sweet.

But I can’t help but to imagine the grueling process of making a wafer cone.  The shitty mix, the machinery, the beauty star, the hundreds of thousands wafer cones sent out of the factory everyday, the employees seeing how far they can throw one but then the wind hits it and sends it flying eight years into the past… It’s just awful.

Since the beginning of my foray into expert ice cream eating at fine establishments like Baskin-Robbins, I have always preferred the giant waffle cone.  Why?  BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY HAS FLAVOR.  It’s a subtle sweetness that adds to the flavor of the ice cream rather than neutralizing it.  Also, you don’t have silly words inscribed upon it.  The waffle cone doesn’t collapse when you bite into it, either.  Instead, it crunches off making you feel much more accomplished while eating it with the ice cream.  In fact, eating the waffle cone is just as wonderful as the ice cream itself.

Ultimately, though, ice cream or sorbetto or frozen yogurt or whatever else is best enjoyed in a dish with a small spoon over a long period of time.  You can eat it slowly and enjoy every bit of it focusing on just the flavor.

Or you can just buy those cheap ass cones and peddle them down your stupid kid’s throat.  I’m all for it.

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HEY HEY HEY! YEAH! 1000 Things We Hate has a MASTER LIST full of all of your favorite hates (or even some you didn’t even know you had)!


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